Create-a-new life!

Monday, 28 July 2014

Taking control: The key to your happiness and success is within you!

The ultimate goal of all normal people is to achieve wealth and happiness which is defined in terms of good relationships and health.  The journey to access resources is personal and starts from birth and transcends the grave.  Success is ability to use given available resources to achieve personal goals.  
Joy and success defined:
Success has been redefined as nations became a global village. In the early nineteenth century, African man regarded success as owning large herds of life stock and getting married.  Then education became a catalyst of success which created a confusing scene regarding the engendered social roles. The global segregation of women to national wealth became a bone of contention as the social justice applied the principle of equal pay for equal academic qualification.  This shifted marriage as a leverage of power from men, thus giving marriage a proper context as a long-term relationship partnership between two people.
Did sour relationship put your success on hold?
Relationship, health and wealth are three key trophies we all want to have in this life.  Applying the law of cause and effect will help you understand why failed relationship stirs a series of unpleasant events that do not support upward financial and social mobility.  We note that God designed plant earth to provide all that mankind would need.  He created man out of the soil of the earth so that we could be compatible and co-exist with other inhabitants to experience the joy of accumulating wealth.  He also created marriage to demonstrate the importance of sharing wealth with a special person of your choice.  The first thing He did when Adam and Eve disobeyed Him was to withhold ease access to the wealth. It follows that failed relationship negatively impacts on your health and ability to enjoy your wealth. It disqualifies you as having adequate skill to manage and maintain intimate relationship.
How to regain your happiness and success:
We are so wonderfully made that we need very little assistance outside ourselves.  The greatest resource is your Creator.  He is the only One who really knows what your need and could provide inner wisdom to achieve your personal goal.  Failed relationship curtails the momentum of your success. It is prudent therefore not to stay down, but regain your composure and go back to your drawing board to adjust your planned activities:
1.    If your plans included your spouse or partner, you need to redefine them in order to establish if you have skills to do his part. For an example, if he was helping you to draw up a framework for consultancy, you may have to seek help or edit the whole framework.
2.   If the plan of your house included his private needs, you have to remove that, so that it could reflect you.  This way you will be motivated to build a house that meets your needs.
Taking control denotes you being a happy individual seeking another happy person to share your happiness and wealth. You cannot try to find someone so that you can be happy! The source of your happiness and success is your Creator!


Thursday, 24 July 2014

Taking control: Determined teenage mom reaches her goals!

Going back to school after pregnancy requires determination; and those who get going need support from all social institutions starting with a family. Often girls get a harsher treatment from the parents and the society for dropping out of school due to pregnancy.

The fear of parenting girls!
All parents fear the onset of puberty and remain in the state of apprehension until the graduation day when their girls graduate without a hitch. I will not get into why boys get one hard talk and the matter gets swept under the carpet! Neither will I engage in a lecture why girls allow boys to apply brakes onto their life plan through pregnancy. The point of focus is to applaud those girls that are determined to pursue their careers and refocus in pursuing their goals.  Secondly, it is noteworthy for the parents who are psychologically ready to walk with their girls if they fall.

The calamity of teen pregnancy and steps to take
It is said that eight out of ten cases the fathers of the teen pregnancy do not marry mothers of their children.  This is sad truth for it says girls are on their own immediately they get pregnant.  My word of encouragement is this: Getting pregnant should be a lesson you carry to your grave; that you reap what you sow! A mother has a different connection with her baby.  A baby is yours to love and raise to the best of your ability with or without its father. Now that you are wiser that those whispers of love and undying care were not love; you will adopt new values that support the principles delayed gratification.  Secondly, if your parents are supporting you, learn to express your gratitude; those are the people who love you unconditionally and you must never take them for granted.  Thirdly, the only thing that you can do to make them smile again is getting good grades and graduating.  Finally, you must try your best to love that innocent baby; love is time sensitive when it comes to providing it to your baby.  Your baby needs your love before and after birth to be a normal being.  Any subtle feeling of shame will impact negative on your baby and you would have failed with distinction to be a mother.

Finding helpful resources
Some teen moms indulge in activities that disregard their babies; this is wrong and unfair for their parents who are trying to be supportive.  It is noteworthy to mention a non-profit making organization in America – Teen Mom Empowerment Foundation - which offers empowerment skills and resources to deter recurrence of pregnancy among youth. Some countries including the Republic of South Africa do have some form of support for teen mothers.  Helping does not condone teen pregnancy but recognize the fact that the children born this way have rights.  They are part of the society and therefore must be cultured to be normal citizens as adults. It is important to note that such resources do not shift the responsibility from teen mothers.  It reaffirms the negative impact of teen pregnancy to these young girls, parents, and the world at large.  Parenting is a serious job of laying foundations for a baby who must use the tools you provided through informal education of parenting.  This means that in-between studies it is ideal that you as teen mother must read to learn about being a mother. In other words, you are busy and cannot have any time other than studying and keeping the bond with your baby strong so that you can take full responsibility as soon as you complete your studies. 

Taking control of your life as a teen mother denotes taking responsibility to establish your career, finding a job and buying a house. That is taking care of your baby as a single parent.  To be able to love that baby you need to be spiritually renewed, so that you can rise above your flesh and its needs which could easily usher you into another trouble of a second baby. You need to take a deep breath and decide who you want to share your live with - you and your baby!  

Monday, 21 July 2014

Taking control: You have moved from the crossroads; what is next?

Checking how far you have ventured into your future from the crossroads is more than exhilarating; it energizes you and motivates you to find your purpose for life.  Moving from the place of fear says you are psychologically ready to face new challenges.

The first shaky steps into the future
I am talking to those who have been trapped in abusive relationships.  Those who looked into self to find how they have contributed to being in a blissful place with the chosen partners and soon tumbled into muddy ones of verbal abuse and tears! Having moved from the place of torment is the best thing you can ever do for yourself.  You have a right to be corrected with love if you deviated from the agreed norms.  You deserved to be respected and not be verbally abused and left with doubt about your values and beliefs.  You had to consider why you partner suddenly ran out of words to express hurts without insulting you!  Moving from that crossroad was right; never doubt that!  You needed to be safe so that you could learn the right way to share life under contract relationship.  Most importantly, if you left before you had a physical scar of abuse; it was a cherry on top!  You did not have to spend the rest of your life with evidence of how brutal a human being you loved chose to be vicious.

How are you adjusting to new a life?
It is amazing how being free could be so intimidating! Again you have entered into a new social circle that needs you to adapt and engage in a teachable attitude.  Freedom could be lonely! You have to learn to like your silent environment, the one where there is no need to justify why dinner is ten minutes late.  I am not suggesting that you fall into disorganized lifestyle.  If you have children who have picked the negative energy of your fights, you need to consider professional help to ensure that they are coping with new arrangement, of calling daddy and being picked up for visitation.  That could be a new stressful situation, thinking about their safety with their father.  Faith-based organizations offers safe environment where you children could meet new friends and experience love and spiritual lessons.  You too would find new friends, ones that would not judge you.  I prefer older people who are spiritually mature.  They make you their new project; they tend to know the ideal verses in the Bible that will nurture you and usher you into the spiritual realm. When you surrender into this new spiritual environment, be ready to burn your bridge so that you can only move forward.  You will understand why meditation always has a calming effect when you engage in one-on-one with God.  It heals your emotional wounds and empowers you to minister to your children with abundance of love.

Surrendering is regaining power to maintain your mobility
As you learn to meditate on the word of God, you will gradually fill the emptiness in your life.  He loves you unconditionally; self-condemnation will disappear.  He created marriage to be a happy communion with special person in this life.  He also sends you on planet earth to do His business.  Surrendering will reveal your spiritual journey and show you that you have been equipped to fulfill God’s assignment which could be where you are employed or running your business. You must simply surrender and let His Spirit guide you!  When you engage in these fulfilling spiritual tasks, you will regain your joy and happiness.  Life will have a new meaning! Most importantly, you will realize that most of the stress was caused by the fact that you have been running in a fast lane; without regard for your Creator.

As you re-write your goals, always check whether you are operating on your given strengths. Visit a page on your weakness so that you can learn from them for the purpose of guiding your children as you watch them grow! They are your number one project. Do your best!

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Taking control: Regaining the inner peace after irreparable relationship!

Ending a stormy relationship should be a relief because you have finally declared your decision, yet feelings of anger and emotional hurt linker on and refuse to be switched off. Regaining the inner peace after ending a stormy relationship is a challenging journey.
Until you go through the pain of rejection, you may not understand why people choose to relocate after ending a stormy relationship.  Regaining the inner peace becomes urgent; is like you are gasping for a fresh air.  It is like finding another piece of the planet earth that is not contaminated; a place that is filled with people who will look at you with open hearts and non-judgmental eyes.  You want to go in the shopping mall and not fear to meet one of your Ex’s relatives who are likely to give you a dirty look or cold smile. Alternatively, you could meet a genuinely sad one who would like to have a cup of coffee with you. You decline because you know the agenda. While you know it is best to think of your needs first at this stage, nonetheless guilt will plagues you.  In principle you do not want to explain anything to anybody. Besides it is a personal matter and you do not want to cross the line in the process of justifying your actions.  Relocating therefore is a need that will support your intention to heal.
If you cannot relocate because of your job and your children’s school program or financial reasons, you must find some form of a support that will continually and systematically equip you to rise above the storm of negative thoughts.   My greatest help came from the church.  There nobody wanted me to repeat anything.  They just showed me how to hold the hand of the One who created me and knows the end from the beginning. The need for acceptance enabled me to willingly allow the One who knows the number of my hair and foretold that He will never leave nor for sake me even if my parents reject me to do just that.  It was a resting place where I learned to take up my cross and begin my spiritual journey of salvation.
The challenge in this place of solace was to repent before you can take any step in the direction of healing. This requires trust; you must trust the wisdom of your spiritual mentor and the system you know nothing about.  Asking for forgiveness for the part you played and that led to the breaking is challenging and could delay your first surrendering step.  You are told, your creator knows the truth and He requires that you submit to this step so that you can take His hand and walk away.  Knowing that He knows your live and has control over it, is quite humbling.  This is the action of surrendering to the healing hand that is capable of ushering you in a safe place of unconditional love. Your Creator is able to give you a crush-course in forgiving and loving unlovable people including the one who hurt you most.  

The true healing comes when you learn to pray and accept yourself unconditionally.  It is liberating to refrain from the ego tactics and take control of your life by finding a place within that is accepting and invigorating. My journey has been spiritual. My task has been to fill myself with so much love that, I always have a positive balance after the storm of negative emotions.    

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Taking control: What to do when the family disapproves divorce!

Divorce is a termination of the marriage contract.  It is annulment of the legalized long-term relationship.  Divorce complicates the relationship between families of the couple and negatively affects the children. Its stress level is considered second to the death of the loved one.
Divorce takes a long process because from both spiritual and social point of view, it carries a lot of relationships complications: Socially it is undesirable because the two families become entangled in its painful ending. Often parents try to repair the damage by intervening and encouraging the couple to seek the professional counseling. The most challenging situation is when parents try too hard to mend irreparable marriage. From the side of a woman, parents may even remind her of childhood flaws that points to being stubborn. In African traditional settings for an example, a woman is often blamed that she had not been submissive to her husband’s demands.  It is therefore very hard when a woman is experiencing emotional pain and could see that love has completely dried out, to disclose such truth to her parents.  Divorcing couples need support from their respective families because they could try to be civil and encourage the same for the sake of the children.  For an example if there is physical fights, parents would protect the children from such scenes.
The process of arriving at divorce stage is usually long and painful because each party usually evaluates the pros and cons of ending the relationship.  A woman who is not supported by her family becomes more traumatized especially if the case is likely to favor the husband. Some women in such cases would rather stay married to avoid being separated from their children.  The danger of staying in a loveless relationship for women becomes even more complex for safety and health reasons.  Often women become so fearful that they choose to relocate. Such an option could be even more disruptive for her career and children’s school program.
Protection of children could be considered from a different perspective: Divorce that  maintain children’s rights to live with one parent surrounded by love and joyfully looking forward to visit their father would be far better than loveless marriage in which children are exposed to constant negative environment.  Couples that place their children’s needs and rights first, would do their best to be civil to each other.  The ideal situation is one where parents step in to make the transition as less hurting as possible.  When such support is withheld, a mother must consider a nanny who can offer adequate care.
Taking control denotes careful analysis of health and security risks involved in staying in a marriage to please the parents. Ideally children’s interests and needs must be determining factors because the relationships trauma could be irreparable.  Professional assistance is necessary to help parent to limit their pressure when marriage has reached a divorce point.  Ideal attitude should be unconditional support, trusting that all remedial measures have been considered.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Taking control: Finding inner peace is every person’s special assignment!

Finding the inner peace is a personal assignment which creates an urgent stir at one point in life. It is seeking the underlying purpose for which you exist and deep desire to live. Those who try to escape from complying, often face endless spiritual torment.
There is a confusion of locating this internal stir.  Is it the peace of mind I am seeking or responding to the inner voice in the region of my body? This alone indicates how oblivious of self we are! Nonetheless, this moment moves you to find knowledge of what to do.  Some would go to traditional spiritual doctors and end up living in a cave with instructions to seek wisdom from dead ancestors.  Some end up in convents to learn how to hear and respond to this profound need to converse and commune with Higher Spiritual Authority. I call this a special personal assignment.  
This special assignment is indeed unique and therefore I will not attempt to come up with a formula of how to go about it.  Nonetheless, there is a necessary principle that may help you not to seek wisdom from the dead.  The Creator warned us that there is no activity beyond the grave.  This then means seeking wisdom from Him is the only right route to follow.  The starting point is acknowledging your spirituality.  You are a spirit being and can only communicate with the Creator who is the Spirit from the spiritual realm.  Secondly, you need to remove yourself from the noisy environment that destructs you from listening to the prompting and conversation coming from the inner region of your body. It is activated by reading the Scriptures.   Clearly it does not come from your head; therefore it is important to note because we have been socialized to respond to the voices in our heads.
The voice gently stirs your heart in a loving way and shed a light of a desirable route.  This reveals where you have been and clearly directs you to the new route which you will immediately acknowledge as being what you want.  The process may come slowly like shedding off the rotten cabbage leaves until you find fresh part that can be used.  The revelation is likely to be accompanied by tearful remorse as you look into the place you have been. This is a repentance of the heart which is the beginning of your transformation. 
The challenge comes with the reality of living in a flesh among people who have not yet experience transformation.  Now the ball is in your court: You must decide where you want to be and do all that is necessary to stay there.  Usually this means trying to tell your family and friends about what you have decided to do.  Some will respect your transformed attitude, which is normally evident. Others will mock you and give your spiritual move a scientific name like a mid-life crisis.  This pull and push experience will usher you to go up the stream; because you are a life fish. This implies being strong in who you have become; hence choosing the spiritual way of life which is the domain of your the inner peace.
You may have experienced your special assignment in a completely different fashion.  If you have no idea of what I am talking about; it could mean yours is not yet due! All of us must have this revelation of our call. Seek it and you will find it because it is the answer to finding the inner peace!

Monday, 7 July 2014

Taking control: How much do you value your inner peace?

The inner peace is the essence of life that enables you to cope with periodic turbulent experiences.  It is valuable because it determines the quality of life and is dependent on your ongoing learning on maintaining it throughout your various developmental stages.
You are the manager of your inner self and this is a subject that you have to learn by trial and error until you master it.  Peace is the product of the inner self and its enemy is the mind through engaging in autopilot thinking.  The mind thinks even when you are sleeping and you will know the nature of your thoughts through your dreams.  The question is; do you have control on slowing down your thinking and directing your thoughts towards maintaining inner peace?  Consider the following: 
1.    Monitor the quality of your environment.
The mind works on data provided by your senses.  This means if you are in a pleasant environment you will see pleasant things, hear beneficial information, talk about helpful subjects and all these will make you feel good.  On the other hand, if you love to hear the latest world new every hour, you cannot have inner peace because you will be filled with the global score of the negative things.
2.    Monitor the nature of your thoughts.
Your thoughts reflect what you have been inputting in your mind.  The principle is this; the quality of your thoughts make or break your day!  In other words, you have a responsibility of making a decision to banish any thought that steals you peace. How does this come about? If you allow yourself to dwell on how badly someone treated you, you are literally poisoning yourself.  This means as soon as a negative thought emerges, you divert to a positive one; this is a simple act of staying present.  Refuse to self-destruct.

3.    Adjust your needs to match your financial muscles.
You suffer stress because of unmet needs.  Some people act on their lack to the extreme and end up in prisons. How important is your inner peace? If you have made it central to your life, you will trim your needs to match your current financial capability.  
4.    Allocate time to refresh the inner peace.                                                             Consciously lower your operating speed to find time to refresh your inner peace.   What I mean is that, find time in the evening to distress.  Sometimes you cannot avoid stress and find yourself tired and low on positive energy.  Switching off the television and your internet and talking to people is what I call a healing time.  You can access peace within the inner quiet you, by purposefully emptying yourself of all bad energy you came across during the day.  You may start with listening to inspirational tapes or guided meditations.  End the session with complete silence which will usher you into sleep.

Inner peace does not mean cutting yourself from people; it denotes choosing who you want to spend your time with: Consciously stay away from gossip or criticizing political leaders, you will benefit nothing. Analyzing negative encounters of your day could deplete your positive energy, so scan over them to see whether you contributed to the situations.  Maintaining your inner peace means you take control of your life by weeding out bad habits that do not support your goals.  It is about learning to put yourself first when it comes to sustaining your inner peace!

Friday, 4 July 2014

Taking control: Is shyness sabotaging your personal growth plan?

Shyness is not being able to express or participate meaningfully to what you know would be beneficial to your personal growth.  It is in-congruence of the will to take the process of thinking to fruition; thus displaying inaccurate level of cognitive competence.
Shyness is classified under personality and clinical psychology as a dysfunctional behavior.  It affects people socially, causing anxieties; performance difficulties in the presence of other people; public speaking; lack of assertiveness and social contact with the same or opposite sexes.  A shy person is not able to reveal knowledge and therefore could easily not be promoted to leadership positions because of projected inability to speak assertively with subordinates.  The following steps would help you to self-diagnose shyness and unlearn the behavior:
1.    Identify the problem – It is important to take stock of your reaction whenever you have to speak in the presence of other people. I am not referring to normal flutter that is said to be normal regardless of the exposure to speak at public gatherings.
2.    Unlearn being fearful – Adopt a calm mental state in order to allow your mind to reflect on your strengths. It is important to note that you are unique and you have something that others will benefit from. You have to convince yourself that people must hear what you are thinking if you are to progress higher in your professional ladder.  Change your attitude about being fearful of making mistakes by regarding them as learning curves that are necessary to expose you to professional experiences and maturity.
3.    Manage your environment – It would help if you could ensure that you keep away from negative people who would intimidate you.  Such people normally fluff their feathers and put you on the spot unnecessarily. On the other hand, it is always easy to pick positive people:
·      They are likable and project loving and supportive atmosphere.
·       Your inner-self will draw close and feel at ease talking or responding to their conversation.
·      They radiate positive energy which makes you respond with equal enthusiasm.
·      You naturally want them to like you without having to crowd them.

4.    Positive self-talk – Write down your strengths and weaknesses; then articulate your goals.  Sit in a quiet place and analyze necessary resources you need to achieve them.  One common resource all people need to reach their goals is interacting with those who have succeeded.  This will clearly show you that you have to interact and learn from people in order to reach your goals.  Confidence comes with being prepared and will minimize low performance.  Consistency in maintaining high performance will override the fear and turn it into motivation to repeat successful behavior.
Shyness will naturally die as soon as you focus on your strengths. Appreciating your daily achievement and not judging yourself will surely enable a new behavior to emerge and stay constant.  While greatest support could come from those who are close to you; intrinsic motivation is more powerful to maintain upward mobility and holistic personal growth!

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Taking control: The ideal approach for managing financial resources!

The three important factors for the welfare of most people are relationships, money and health.  We seek these, but the challenge is ability to manage them.  Apart from those who professionally study management of finances, we all learn by trial and error.
Money fights are common in families, stay-together couples, and all social institutions including churches. Explore the following with me:
1.    Parenting phase: Very few parents include financial management in their socialization function; even during the early adulthood stage of their children. It is likely that you handled money for the first time when you left home to go to the university. This is a serious socialization gap!
2.    Dating phase: How you get involved in money issues before marriage depends on whether your relationship is a long-term and you are preparing to tie the knot. In such a case, both partners should start planning together and carefully correcting each other when need arise.  Why? Because if for an instance, you overlook extravagant use of money before the marriage, you will not be able to be assertive after the wedding.

3.    Subject of pre-marriage counseling:  The ideal approach is to ensure that this important topic is discussed before you tie the knot. Why? Because you may feel awkward discussing it and yet it is the burning issue to you, your partner and parents from both families.  Financially stable parents do not tip-toe about this; they would offer unrequested advice to their son not to marry in community of property.  While this may be a legitimate concern, the son may not feel comfortable to address the terms of the marriage contract until the last moment.  The subject is therefore better introduced by the marriage counselor as one of the topics to be covered during the sessions.  This way it could be addressed objectively in a safe environment. 

4.    Family phase: The implementation of finance management after marriage is often altered because it is no longer a bargaining point. Nonetheless, the ideal way is to have a budget.  If you are working, transparency is key to ensure that there is a new account for pooling agreed amount for projects like buying a house or car; savings towards education of children, holidays and retirement.  For convenience, the balance in individual accounts could be determined by the list of monthly expenses including personal allowances. The controlled freedom is necessary to allow personal luxuries. Buying gifts for both in-laws should be done jointly. This will maintain balance with regard to ensuring that you both focus in building your relationship and financial stability.

5.    Merging the spending needs: Often this becomes a battle ground when the subject of projects has not been satisfactorily addressed. For an example, personal interests have a lot to do with how much would be saved; and therefore must be established and agreed upon as openly as possible.  Being newly married, you may also not be aware that your husband spends on monthly facial treatment, and you may regard this as unnecessary especially if you do not spending on this item.  To avoid nasty surprises, it is important to reveal your private grooming expenses.  In fact this is what intimacy is about – being completely open about the things that make you happy!

Management of finance in the context of family should be assigned to the skilled partner with clear rules on transparency and accountability.  Remember that poor communication breaks the strongest ties.  Ensure that money issues do not sever the marriage tie nor affect your emotional health! This would be an ideal way of taking control of your finances!