Create-a-new life!

Sunday, 20 March 2016

Taking control: Learn how to forgive your spouse!

Forgiving your spouse is a decision that support your commitment to the marriage !

Real forgiveness is ability to release emotional pain associated with the incident. It is choosing to let go of images, memories of all unpleasant scenes and the outcome of the experience.  Emotional pain between spouses is often difficult to heal because it contravenes matrimonial vows and expectations.

How to forgive your spouse
Forgiving someone is better when it is from the premise of your heart rather than your mind. You see; it is hard to apply logic only on issues of relationships especially your spouse because of his or her close proximity to your life. In other words, logic would count how many times your spouse did the same offense and then apologized. Your heart on the other hand is a premise of compassion and also of your commitment to making the relationship work.  The following could be helpful in forgiving your spouse:

1.   Adopt forgiveness as your life principle: Consider that it is impossible to live without conflict with anyone who shares your life. Just like when driving, you resort to keeping the rules and being ready to ignore bad drivers. Choose to see his or her good conducts and forgive any undesirable behaviors.

2.   Knowledge is power: If you knew that prolonged anger contribute to cancer I doubt if you would allow yourself to engage in such willful self-destructive mode! Anger harms you more than those who caused it!

3.   Look objectively into the root of the hurt: Every cloud has a silver lining! What is your contribution to the hurting scene? What are other underlying contributors to the hurtful situation?

4.   Have compassion: Find positive diversion to the hurt:
·        List helpful things you spouse do well regularly.
·        Recall childhood issues; his socialization and past life. Most of us are fixated in our past hurting experiences.
·        Take out your family album and recall the happy scenes.
·        Decide to out-grow your own emotional hurdles – think outside the box and be the one who makes effort to restore positive emotions.  

5.   Reverse the hurt situation: Recall your own mistakes; how you wronged others and wished they forgave you as soon as possible!

6.   Give yourself time to cool off without judging yourself: Guilt is a form of negative energy and you need to stay clear of that. It is beneficial if you rather earnestly find resolve from within you though meditation, prayer or stay away from the source of hurt for a while.

7.   Accept an apology: Even that could be challenging! Remember the function of the mind is to remember and store information. This is why you rather find such resolution from your heart and not the mind.

The health and spiritual consequences of not forgiving your spouse!
They seem to have remembered their vows!
While we often focus on the physical self, in essence we are spirit beings with souls; living in physical bodies.  The issue of forgiveness demonstrates this truth:
1.   Health: According to Dr. Steven Standifort, the Chief Surgery at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America indicates that most cancer patients are living with various forms of anger. They have not learned to move past their emotional wounds.

2.   Spiritual: Love is the common factor for most religious beliefs. You cannot love anyone without making a provision for forgiveness. You can only forgive when you apply the godly principle of forgiving countless time so that the Creator can forgive you all the time. That is fair! Failure to comply with His principle of unconditional love would negatively impact on your relationship with Him.

Taking control of your life is about weeding out any clutters that could hinder your upward mobility. Of utmost importance is to assess how clear you really are in forgiving your spouse unreservedly. It would be satisfying to look back and see that you have indeed successfully learned to ignore hurts or have positively dealt with them. It is a process of spiritual maturity.  

Monday, 14 March 2016

Taking control: Check the level of compatibility with your fiancée!

If she dislikes your sweaty outfit, it will not change....!

Compatibility goes deeper than discussing hobbies; your list must include the subjects we normally rather not talk about. It is observing how you address each other regarding issues; how both of you response to spirituality, political affiliation, illness, parents needs and housekeeping styles.

Compatibility concept defined!
Compatibility at the level of two partners intending to get married is a serious process of learning each partner’s normal behavior objectively; that is, letting love not to blind you on negative cues you picked on unguarded moments. According to Mental Help site’s definition, compatibility includes friendship, social roles expectations, emotional intimacy, sexual expectations and life goals.

Challenging subjects check list for fiancée level of compatibility!
This article addresses challenging subjects which often most couples avoid to address and yet later become the root of conflicts in marriage. During dating the following subjects must be addressed calmly and objectively:
1.   Spirituality: If you are not worshipping together, it is critical to discuss and agree on individuality of spiritual beliefs and how that will affect your parenting style as a couple.

2.   Political affiliation: Like spirituality, political affiliation is a sensitive subject. Fix it so that you can clear it if it is one of the deciding factors.

Emotional intimacy is feeling completely safe even  in
vulnerable times....
3.   Social roles expectations: Before you tie the knot would it not be helpful to know that your wife can only cook breakfast? It would be better to help her cook if you are the type that enjoys family meals. For an example you can make this a fun time to ease any discomfort and boost her confidence in the kitchen. 

4.   Parental social and financial support: As parents age, they become ill and expect social and financial support from their children. This must apply in both parties’ parents. The ideal way to provide for this imminent period of declining health is to find a suitable insurance cover so that it will not infringe on your children’s budget. You must also agree on whether you will find a good old age home to send them there if there are no safe alternatives.  

5.   Commitment during the couple’s illness: Have you seriously considered life’s mishaps where one of you get ill or lose a limb in an accident? Well; you better do! For ‘better or worse’ includes such incidentals. This is a challenge for men because it is not a common social role he learned as part of male child socialization.

6.   Housekeeping styles: It addresses small domestic norms like toilet use and hygiene, keeping the home clean by not stepping over the door mat; cleaning the dishes and emptying trash bag after supper could be a source of conflict.

7.   Approach for addressing issues: If you have not had a fight, be careful; it could be that what you see is a tip of an iceberg. Why? Because it is important to experience your disagreement. Life is not a bed of rose; even roses have thorns! It could be that you have already succumbed to a controlling environment and you call it normal because you are in love.

This list is not exhaustive; however, it indicates the complexity of staying with a stranger for the rest of your life without stressing each other. Most pre-counseling therapies list the so called ‘important points’ indicated under the definition of compatibility. Paying attention to details in this subject may sound like splitting hairs hence their omission.  Taking control of your life is being careful to pay attention to details. You have to make informed decision when it comes to your fiancée’s level of compatibility.  

Monday, 7 March 2016

Taking control: How your communication skill impact on your romantic relationship!

You do not have to say anything both know the feeling
of the moment!
Communication is the most important skill you learned from your family and other social institutions from early childhood.  It was an empowering tool that enabled you to express your basic needs.   As an adult it is a tool of proficiency which set you apart in your career and in choosing and managing your romantic relationships.

Communication defined!
Communication is a transmission of a clear message verbally or non-verbally to another person. It is conveying an idea in one of the four processes of communication; a thought, feelings, words or actions. 
Types of communication
There are two types of communication: Verbal communication between two people or more; printed communication between two people or more; and the most recently, exchange of messages through electronic device between two or more people. A non-verbal communication engages more than five senses on a particular scene in real time or use of electronic device to go beyond time and space in cased of audio and video devices.  Non-verbal communication is said to be the most used type of effective communication in romantic relationships.

Impact of verbal and non-verbal communication in romantic relationships
1.    Non-Verbal Communication: Often a relationships starts from non-verbal cues wherein one party sends a clear body language of a positive message which 
The one thing you cannot let go is
the child in you...!
expresses an interest. Even in this modern era of freedom of speech and human rights, most ladies would want to be approached by a male. It is said that a human electrical field is more than twelve feet which explains why a person will turn in the direction from which a stare came from. In other words an admirer often will have a response from focused and intentional attention. All other stages of intimacy occur non-verbally and it is amazing how little we use spoken words when it comes to physical attraction. It is therefore a proven fact that non-verbal communication is aggregated as seventy percent and only thirty percent to verbal communication. In the environment of intimacy it is easier for a female partner to initiate her needs non-verbally probably because it is still not socially accepted to express sexual needs verbally. This approach works when the relationship is normal and definitely fails when there is a strain between the couple.

2.    Verbal Communication: We all learned to communicate by listening and looking at others from infancy. Verbal communication carries other non verbal cues like feelings and attitude hence the larger portion assigned to it. In relationships it is the most important skill to enable partners to know each other’s needs and expectations without doubt and also establish rules that will inform management of the relationship. This mode of communicating is often used as an excuse when the other part defends their behavior of withholding affection to the other partner. For an example, other couples prefer to communicate rules verbally once and remind each other of their enforcement in a careful and tip-toeing manner non-verbally.  What a stress!

Assertiveness is normally prohibited in a relationship from religious point of view because of requirement that regulates how a woman must approach her husband. This perpetuates crossing the line in marriage intimacy because a woman is not at liberty to express displeasure verbally and clearly.
Taking control of your life on issues of communication denotes going up the stream to clear the air verbally; thus making a statement on how you feel about a particular incident so that the other party see your point.  Inappropriate behavior must be addressed assertively, yet politely. Since the marriage is the institution of secrecy, those who attempted to express themselves on family matters have wounds to show that their hands have been more than slapped. You as a woman must however continue to empower yourself with communication skills especially on how to be assertive without insulting your partner’s ego.