Create-a-new life!

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Taking control: Self-condemnation is a hurdle you must overcome!

Socializing a child is like building a house;
 the one with deep foundation to withstand challenges...!

Self-condemnation is unconscious pointing of own flaws. It is declaration of lack of love to self through negative thoughts, feelings, words and actions. The latter is often verbalized as bad luck; the manifestation of defense mechanism wherein a person exudes such a negative energy that he or she attracts strife and stir conflict in others.

The possible contributors of self-condemnation!
Physical burden is better than emotional
one. Do you have one...?
A person is born with biological traits from both parents and ancestors. Most of the overt behavior is the result of the informal learning process and accumulation of information through all sensual ports from zero years throughout developmental stages. These become values and beliefs which influence how individuals interpret their personal world. Self-condemnation is explained as accumulative inputting of negative energy as follows:
1.   Critical parenting: Inherently every infant thrives on parental love and care. All children are fast active learners. In other words, a child repeats every word he or she hears and emulate all behaviors. This means whenever the critical parent verbalize disapproval with a negative words instead of positive ones, those words will eventually be understood to mean something and will be acted out.
2.   Childhood labels: All actions start from the thought and transformed into feelings before they are acted out. The function of the brain is to process information – good and bad- and file it accordingly. Because parents are important source of livelihood and accumulation of information and skills, their words and actions are regarded as important and therefore stored carefully.
3.   Shame: A child is a full person with little experience. This means a child is happy when praised and discern disapproval accordingly. Because of little experience, a child is unable to accurately interpret negative approach to correction of unpleasant behavior. The accumulation of negative approach from the beloved parent becomes a shame and is likely to manifest throughout life in various negative self-talk otherwise termed self-condemnation.
4.   Gilt: According to Dr. Jeanette, the renowned Holistic Psychologist, “guilt is the worst experience known to human.” Why? Because it is toxic and transforms a person’s regard of self-worth; thus significantly contributing to self-condemnation.
5.   Low self-esteem: It is the ultimate result of poor parenting wherein a child carried wrong message about self and concentrate on weaknesses rather than inborn strengths and acquired skills. Self-condemnation is expressed through negative pointing of own flaws and of others. It is inability to see the white wall but the small spot on the white wall.

How to cut the anchor of self-condemnation!
Anything that you focus your attention on will respond favorably. Cutting negative self-talk and
Loving self will heal emotional wounds! 
condemnation should be regarded as a number one task to achieve in order to experience optimal life. Here is how you can reconfigure your mind to embrace yourself as worthy of your love and of others:
1.    Become conscious of how you feel about yourself.  Ask; do I love myself? What ten things can I identify and list as evidence that I love myself?
2.    Make decision to grow the list daily: As you focus on your strengths you will discover a new-you. Also list your weaknesses. The reason for identifying your weaknesses is not to feel hurt if someone chose to hurl them at you.
3.    Write your own affirmation: Repeat these affirmations just before you sleep and chose your favorite statement which you will utter aloud to yourself the first moment when you wake up and throughout the day. Mine is; “the grace of the Lord is enough to overcome any challenge!”
4.    Prohibit self-condemning thoughts: Consciously declare that negative self-talk is not allowed in your thoughts, heart and mouth. The key is; anything that you allow to stay in your conscious mind several minutes is regarded as important and will be filed carefully. So discard any negative thought as soon as it emerges.
5.    Be sensitive to your feelings: You can immediately tell when you have offended yourself or others. Apologize and do not allow guilt to dwell in your mind. Remember your mind is inherently the devil’s playground. So, do not entertain self-condemnation in any form!
6.    Use time profitably: If for some reason you are not able to sleep and find yourself indulging in those unfruitful thoughts, sit up and search for things you have not discovered about yourself.  Alternatively find a game to constructively spend wakeful hours for your gain! Games build your mind and delay forgetfulness as you age!
7.    Negative experiences are stepping stones: Regard those negative moments in your life as stepping stones that helped you to cross the rivers of challenges; thus enabling you to give yourself a pat on the shoulder for rising above the storms of life.

You take control of your life when you do not dwell in the negative box and entertain self-condemning thoughts. You take charge of your life when you systematically embrace yourself and sincerely learn to be grateful for the hard work of reconfiguring your mind to be transformed from being a worm and becoming a butterfly; free from self-condemnation and beautiful, exploring life unreservedly!

Monday, 10 October 2016

Taking control: How to spring-clean your mind!

Quieting the mind is a conscious effort to allow quality informations only!

The natural function of the mind is to process and store all information. Periodically a store requires spring-cleaning which is the activity of emptying it, tidying and re-organizing the contents with intention to remove clutter and create space for new things. The mind requires this exercise from time to time.

The rationale for spring-cleaning the mind!
The mind automatically classifies information and store. Life is dynamic and requires conscious effort to adapt to changes or develop coping mechanism. You have accumulated every life experience through your five senses, thoughts and feelings. Most of the information therefore became essential components of your beliefs and values which contributed to emotional hurdles and impacted on your social, spiritual, and emotional make-up. Spring-cleaning your mind is an audit exercise which intends to evaluate and correct your thinking system; thus weeding out false information you acquired during socialization process.

How to spring-clean your mind!
The following are recommended step of spring-cleaning your mind:
1.   Be conscious of the state of your mind because you can only effectively change what you identify as undesirable.
2.   Plan the exercise – the day and environments. Ensure that you do not get any disturbance.
3.   Start with fasting from food and further unconscious gathering of information such as watching the television. Quiet your mind.
4.   Select a comfortable space and position where you have a pen, paper, pair of scissors and a trash basket.
5.   Cut the minimum of ten pieces of paper and write any of the habits,
A lesson only you can decide to embrace...!
beliefs and values that require auditing. Example; anger, resentment, sadness, jealousy, laziness, procrastination, low self esteem, overeating,  Unforgiveness, etc  
6.   Take each piece and establish why you qualified yourself that way. Here you want to bring to your consciousness motivating thoughts, feeling and practice which you regard as unfavorable to you. For an example, procrastination could have cost you many unfinished projects which could have improved your profile.
7.   Take each piece of paper and tear it as you express your affirmation in changing the written flaw.
8.   After finishing the tearing of the things you consciously listed and established as undesirable to you, close your eyes and allow the closing of the ugly chapter to sink; searching your inner space as you breath-in deeply and expelling any remnants of bad energy that fed them.  
9.   Look at your physical environment; are you happy with accumulation of old clothes, household appliances that you do not use? Get up and put them in boxes to give them away as soon as possible.
10. Look at yourself; are you happy with your weight, hairstyle, dull complexion and sluggish feeling? Go to the mirror and declare what you want as if you have already achieved it regarding your ideal image. It is positioning yourself for expectation of magnificent outcomes. It is developing motivation to achieve that which you want by expressing your gratitude before you embark on creating the new-you!
11. Reward yourself with a long shower or bubble bath. Water has amazing capability to cleanse you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Express your gratitude throughout the cleansing process.
12. Prepare a light meal and eat slowly for the first time; appreciating a new and consciousness you have adopted to create your optimal life. Remember you are starting a new chapter of paying attention to details.
13. Sit down with a clean writing pad and label your goal-setting session with capital letters – ‘I am taking control of my life!’ Write your SMART new goals.
14. Conclude the exercise with thanks-giving meditation. This denotes reading your new goals and finishing each sentence with a word of gratitude – Example: ‘Thank you Lord for giving me another chance to become a whole person!’
Taking control of your life denotes exactly that. It is embarking on the process of conscious change of things that limit your ability to become successful in your given strengths. This exercise has liberated other people who engaged in it to burn bridges; never to go back and indulge in unfruitful accumulation of information that cluttered their minds. You owe it to yourself to change your life intentionally from your thoughts, feelings and actions.

Have you ever wondered the underlying reasons why we become forgetful over a period of our lives?

Saturday, 24 September 2016

Taking Control: How to heal breaking romantic relationship!

Address issues with love and respect....
Remember you love each other!!!

A romantic relationship is like a garden; left unattended, weeds will grow, ruin the beauty and stifle or kill the planted seeds. It requires love, work and patience to thrive and bond the two parties to experience blissful quality time together.

How to identify a breaking romantic relationship?
 Broken romantic relationship is one-sided whereas both parties must have a general positive regard for each other; thus enabling both to prioritize giving of affection and attention to other needs of each other. A breaking relationship is characterized by an emotional pain of the victim and selfishness and manipulation by the abuser.

How to heal breaking romantic relationship!
Like any other thing, you exercise your subjective view why you associate with others. In a romantic relationship, the deciding factor is love and other attributes that match your values and beliefs and therefore motivates your attraction and attachment.  The following steps could enable you to not compromise but establish a rationale to engage in the process of repairing a breaking relationship:
1.   Identifying the problem: This is a process of clear analysis of behavior or practice that steals your peace. You must avoid mixing issues in order that you could see if you are the source of the problem. For an example, your partners stopped making the bed because you want him to use your method to the letter.

2.   Presenting an identified problem: You can establish if your partner would want to fix the problem or whether you can seek an alternative way so that he or she can do what she is skilled to do instead of sulking over something he or she is doing wrong. If the problem relate to your personal preferences, you have to weigh pros and cons and consider if he wants to change to meet your expectations. In other words it is essential to think about the problem and formulate assumptions why is it happening. This will enable you not to react but carefully consider the best way to address it.

3.   Addressing the identified problem: How you choose to present the problem depends on what it is. For example, if your partner is arrogant or a controlling person, you would rather email or text him or her so that he or she would read the whole message and have a point of reference to see your case holistically. The benefit of a text message is allowing the partner to see the big picture from your point of view whereas if you talk you may end up not articulating on all important points.

4.   Ideal response to the breaking relationship: The ideal response to mend breaking relationship is to discuss the problem with compassion and respect; being aware that you both were socialized differently and therefore your values and beliefs are likely to differ.  This means that when both see the problem, you will likely jointly seek alternatives that work and seek to recreate joy and harmony.
Being mature in romantic relationship is
choosing to love unreservedly...! 

5.   Forgiving and moving forward: Effective solution is one which does not demand one party to feel like he or has won the battle. An ideal approach is one which feels good for both and restores the relationship to its original level wherein both parties could feel safe to be vulnerable. Real repentance is motivated by love and desire to recreate trusting bond again; knowing that each party is keen to rekindle the fire of unconditional love that seeks to love unreservedly.

6.   Honesty and openness: It helps to look each other in the eyes when talking to see how each word affect the other party. This openness will enable both parties to realize the extent of the hurt and will likely motivate both to see how they have contributed to the problem. Not allowing ego to ruin the discussion should be the cardinal rule so that you do not feel hurt or resentful that you have been caught; but be grateful that your partner approached you to put the problem behind.

Conflict always shows up in a romantic relationship. The challenge is finding an ideal approach to dismantle it before it creates a gap that could not be bridged. Romantic relationship requires conscious and constant attention to each other. The greatest success is approaching any challenge with love and respect knowing that you both have different foundational socialization from which you built your values and belief systems. Taking control of your life is ability to allowing your partner to be himself or herself when being part of you; thus enjoying the uniqueness of humanity in expressing love.

Saturday, 17 September 2016

Taking control: Your success will change in relationships when you change!

Change is within you when you choose a New - You!

As you exited childhood, you experienced change physically, perceptually and socially.  The process of understanding change got better as you got exposed to it through various social institutions; revealing a wider and subjective view of the meaning of life to you.

Change defined!
Change in the context of experiencing time and the quality of interaction with others denotes deeper understanding of factors that contribute to pleasant or unpleasant experiences over the period. It is being aware of the actual trend you experienced life versus the subjective expectations of what life should be. We all could identify ourselves with this change in terms of the trend on relationships, financial success, health and career.

Only you can change you!
Key contributors of your subjective world and the need for change!
If you want to know the lifestyle of your neighbors, simply watch their children playing: Their language, mannerism and values are displayed through their children because children have capacity to absorb and project everything with all their sensual ports. This good attribute is also the instrument of fundamental fixation regarding the subjective view of the world as an adult because whatever you heard from your caregivers became important components of your values and belief systems. Change therefore is a necessary catalyst, which enable you to unlearn and rebuild new values and beliefs. You have been changing continually and each day will continue to build and shape your worldview if you seek to change yourself and not others as follows:

1.    Change is effective when it addresses and modifies your identified blemishes. This means nothing will impact you unless you are aware and receptive of it.
2.    When you are aware that your power to change is within, you will note that your world will change when you change; thus confirming that what happens in your world reveals your thoughts, feelings, words and actions. This therefore denotes that attempting to change others is lacking the wisdom of how change occurs.
3.    Every mistake should have impacted you positively if you did not focus on the pain which attracted more painful experiences or blaming others. Mistakes provided a much needed database from which you could establish the trend of why and how you make them.
4.    Your inner positive or negative energy will determine how your impact others which will greatly influence your attitude and believe system. You will notice that there is a trend in how you managed previous relationships; especially colleagues and romantic partners.

Inherently mankind would prefer if other people would behave according to their values and beliefs. Relationships tend to be complex because we seek a complete take-over of the other persons’ life to complete ours. Taking control of your life is recognizing this emptiness that seeks an addition to self to experience joy and completeness. It is important therefore to be fully aware of our underlying psychological needs that manifest in various forms of misconceptions.  When we are able to see our own emptiness, we will seek change that empowers us towards being enough; thus lessening our dependency and demanding attitude from others.

Sunday, 4 September 2016

Taking control: How to keep your inner space calm and peaceful!

When you are aware of the need for calm and peacefulness, you will seek  them!!

Calm and peace are byproducts of love; they qualify the most envied emotional condition of self control. A calm person exert a positive energy and tends to create less threatening environment which allows and support trust and general positive regard of others.

Inner space defined!
Spiritually, the inner space is the whole essence of humanity, and regarded as godly because it is generally motivated by love. It is selfless and seeks to minister to others unconditionally and compassionately. At this realm, love prevails because perception of others is equal; that is, it is devoid of prejudice and other qualifications that determine the level of social recognition. Inner space is a non-physical component of humanity that has inexhaustible wisdom and is a domain of human spirituality.

The rationale for keeping the inner space calm and peaceful!
Your goals will support your
determination  to maintain
calmness and peace!
According to the principles of Positive Psychology, all people seek satisfactory life which is generally achieved through personal growth that leads to happiness. This deeper wisdom of humanity raises an awareness that it is our personal responsibilities to empower ourselves to find and unlock the door to our optimal life. It is proven that when a person knows his or her social and spiritual needs, it is easier to accept the fact that each person has his view of the world and therefore could subjectively access general calm and peacefulness.

Characteristics of calm and peaceful persons
Calmness and peacefulness are important components of happiness which is achievable through positive social ties with close family and other social institutions. Happiness is derived from leading a fully social and spiritual life that empowers a person to comprehend and lead purpose driven life. The following are characteristics of calm and peaceful persons:
1.   Through trial and error they have settled to being unashamedly content with self.
2.   They do not succumb to any form of manipulation by others. They do not fear criticism nor react to those who judge them.
3.   Experience taught them to seek to control inner self and to a limited extend their environment because no one has power over anybody except self.
4.   Through positive thinking, they have learned that every cloud has a silver lining. This point to the fact that every mistake has a blessing. When you understand this principle, you can effectively maintain calm and personal peace.
5.   Being enough denotes that one has accepted own blemishes and dwells on strengths and not weaknesses.
6.    They are open mindedness about self and others. This is attainable only if one maintain childlike attitude of loving others unconditionally, forgiving unlovable people and having time to play at fitness clubs and home. Being open mindedness denotes ability to absorb unpleasant experiences with low level of stress. Remember that basically there is nothing new; it is just that it is your first experience of the incident.   
7.   Ability to clean the inner space through meditation and adopting gratitude as a principle that motivates acceptance of others as they are. Gratitude is an ability to see good in any situation; thus ensures that a practitioner is calm and peaceful.

You can take control of your life by empowering yourself and remain teachable so that new experiences do not give you platform to judge others. If you seek quite time at least one hour per day before you sleep, you will have found a key that could open a door to the most envied human ability to maintain calm and peace. Our Creator advises anyone who seeks enlightenment to speak less. In other words when you seek calmness and peace, you will not entertain fruitless arguing match by those who are over the edge of tolerance of others. Instead, you will naturally join those who advocate for calm in addressing issues, always saturating self with peace that spills over to effectively transform others. 

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Taking control: How to overcome emotional pain and move on!

Learn how to heal emotional pain....!!!

Pain is any feeling or experience that is devoid of joy, happiness, pleasure and gratitude. All these emotions are byproduct of love. Pain is lack of love. It is barrenness, feeling of stagnation and general non-growth.

The underlying cause of emotional pain!
Pain is subjective because it depends on the individual experiences or level of maturity. From spiritual enlightenment point of view it is non-growth and or unfulfilled needs of love. 
Contributing factors for emotional pain!
There are physical and emotional pains. Physical pain is the result of injurious experience to the physical body while the scope of emotional pain is wide and varies according to:
1.   Personal values: Are parameters, which guide moral and spiritual direction. If you have been raised in a family where swearing is forbidden and you get a job where swearing is a norm, you will experience a profound emotional discomfort in such an environment.
2.   Unmet Expectations: From childhood, we experienced pain when promises are not met. In romantic relationships, expectations could make or break even the seemingly strong emotion of affection. Often new lovers expect a lot of attention from each other and when this does not match the level of expectation, the other party perceive that as not committing to the relationship and often that leads to breakup.
3.   Emotional needs: Some people are victims of neglect as children and had developed deep fear of losing loved ones. Such partners are clingy and require more than normal attention which could be regarded as childish and a turn-off to the other party over a period.
4.   Social needs: Most people have limited access to resources and this contributes to significant emotional pain of lack. This could be a result of peer pressure or societal norms wherein expected social roles are not congruent to personal values and or expectations.

How to overcome and maintain non-pain life!
Pain is familiar to mankind and differs in severity and or definition in various social classes; therefore all people experience varying degree of pain.  In principle people handle life challenges depending on whether a person draws strength from within or outside as follows:  
Pain free life supports freedom to love...!
1.   Identify emotional blemishes: Understand self first in order to know how you perceive your world; this will enable you to address and remove most of the identifiable socialization clutters.
2.   Develop sustainable joy: This is a process of spiritual enlightenment wherein a person seeks internal strength to identify clutters, rebuild and shape desired behavior and establish own values from the rebirth of self. 
3.   Develop your spirituality: Man is a spiritual being with a soul, living in a body. Often our most pressing needs are social; the ego needing attention.  
4.   Understand the cardinal law of cause and effect: Life follows us. This means whatever we experience in life is the result of our own thoughts, feelings, words and actions. The law of love governs and supports our ideal life experiences. Absence of love results in the emptiness that motivates a person to seek gratification from others. When we do not gratify this need, we aggravate the situation by focusing on the problem which attracting and developing more lack of love; leading to more emotional pain.
5.   The power of now: A person can only love effectively when the point of focus is giving love and not expecting love. Unmet expectations contribute to disappointments, anxiety and resentment.
6.   Various form of healing techniques: Help is available to let go emotional pain and enjoy your life.

Ideally we have to accept who we are and take responsibility to consciously remove any undesirable negative energy because we can become whatever we desire when we purposely concentrate on what we can be and want now.  Referring to the past to solve emotional pain is unprofitable. From the view point of positive thinking, every cloud has a silver lining. It is learning to adopt teachable attitude from all situations.

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Taking Control: How to cut-loose shyness in intimate relationship!

Every child is born free and embracing life until someone dish out  mixed
messages about good manners....!

Every infant is born a free being and a potential genius - confident, happy and capable of learning anything. This means that shyness or any limitations are learnt behavior following unpleasant experiences. Most people developed emotional blemishes that led to shyness from childhood socialization.

Shyness defined!
A shy person is one who fears to make mistakes; one who doubts own capability to perform tasks unaided. The underlying factor is a negative thinking wherein fear supersedes motivation to be proactive and creative. Shyness is avoiding accountability for individual thoughts, words and actions; preferring those dictated by other people.

Impact of shyness in intimate relationships!
Shy persons are unable to make decisions because they fear risks and accountability. We all know that intimate relationship develops from trusting own instincts and strengths to overcome whatever is unknown about the other person. In other words, when deciding to allow another person in your life, you took a risk of thinking outside the box; consciously allowing and accepting change to occur. The impact of shyness in intimate relationship includes the following:
1.   Skewed relationship: One way communication contributes to unfulfilling relationship because in principle, it takes two people to contributes ideas, discuss and to create new and strong foundation of an intimate relationship. A shy person lacks helpful contribution in relationships.
2.   Encourage abusive behavior: A shy person is a potential victim of controlling or abusive relationships because he or she fears to trust own intuition and would compromise or allow unfavorable conditions to prevail.
3.   Low level of growth: A shy person avoid accountability therefore does not learns from own mistakes. Mistakes are stepping stones that lead to new and empowering knowledge and experiences. Many important discoveries are the results of continuing studies to refine the existing mistakes of innovative ideas. You learn better each time you make wrong decision because you rethink and research more to improve the existing thought and strategies.

How to overcome shyness in an intimate relationship!
Shy persons make lonely partners. Please help! 
A learnt behavior like shyness can be unlearnt. In intimate relationship, the catalyst for desired behavior is love and trust. Love is known to remove 
childhood blemishes including shyness. Why? Because love is a positive energy and shyness is a byproduct of fear. The continual embracing of a negative energy renders a person unproductive. Whenever a positive energy comes into a scene, it neutralizes and nullifies the negativity and ignites a childhood freedom from any fear because of the following principles:
1.   The attributes of the natural law of love: In principle, love and fear cannot occupy one space. Positive energy is far more powerful than a negative one.
2.    Love liberates: A shy person who is encouraged to love will let go fear naturally. The partner who has this revelation could tap into the innermost feelings and remove all types of fear of her or his partner as follows:
a)  Take baby steps in building confidence: Do house chores together first and then withdraw slowly so that the shy partner could develop confidence which will ignite self-expression through thoughts, words and actions.
b)  Engage in playful ‘surprise games’: Shy persons are mostly not present (meaning not fully conscious of all senses); it is therefore important to teach them to be fully alert of all senses and most importantly, the feelings. A shy partner is likely to be liberated and expressive if encouraged to participate in less serious and playful scenes wherein he or she could guess what is appealing to his or her partner. Give glues that will enable a shy person to feel less intimidated. That behavior will eliminate the fear of making mistakes and build confidence.

Taking control of your life is making efforts to remove hurdles by reaching from within, to access the given personal strengths. It is remembering that as a child you were fearless, eager to learn and happy being. Since most of us are products of other people’s (care-givers) emotional blemishes, we developed various defense mechanisms which further complicate relationships. In essence there is smaller number of ‘normal’ people. To have baggage-free emotional intimate partners, we have to clean up socialization issues through love and trust which are proven catalysts that change behavior for optimal intimate relationships. 

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Taking control: Are you stuck in a cold marriage?

There is a lot of space which shout how bored you are ....
but you can heal the cold marriage!

Marriage is a divine union of male and female created to legitimize the children so that they may be socialized into spiritually and socially regulated environment. Love is therefore a given catalyst that enables individual persons to select each other to perform these functions.

Cold marriage defined!
Cold marriage denotes lack of emotional intimacy wherein the couple leaves a lot of safe emotional gap because trust was never developed or was broken. In intimate relationship trust is a complete openness of personal thoughts, feelings, aspirations and limitations; disclosed unashamed to each other. This disclosure heals the childhood socialization anchors and creates a fresh foundation to experience a healthy strong relationship.

Contributors of a cold marriage!
Cold marriage often is a result of short-cuts when dating. Ideal dating has twelve steps which are meant to allow the couple to slowly develop intimacy.  This approach allows each party to know each other before engaging in physical intimacy which often hurts when later one or both parties discover things they cannot compromise about. This is not the case in Christian dating wherein physical intimacy is not allowed at all. Missing links in intimacy and trust includes the following:
1.    Lack of accurate information: Some people are ashamed of their family background and omit unpleasant but vital information that could enable the other party to understand some or most of the habits or personal blemishes. Most of us come from dysfunctional families and while it is not comfortable to disclose such information, it is important to allow the other party to commit to you knowing that there could be psychological issues to work on.  
2.    Psychological issues: They include personal attributes which you may not know their cause but you are aware they contribute to most of your failures. These socialization anchors are important to disclose so that the other party may provide necessary support.
3.    Poor communication: Married couple is referred to as being one. Poor communication is characterized by leaving words or ideas that matters. For an example, if you do not tell your partner how you really feel when he or she says intimate stuff, or dressed in a certain way, then you are not intimate with him or her. You still have no clue of what makes her or him tick. Poor communication will not allow you to be vulnerable. Often that space would require satisfaction by form of a love affair.

Breaking the ice of cold marriage!
Do not let ego ruin your marriage....simply
let go and allow yourself to trust someone! 
Breaking the ice means both partners must create a day in which they would come clean about committing to the relationship. This must be a special day wherein you could include the following steps to break the ice:
1.    Private space: This excludes the restaurant. You may take a trip away from home and in the privacy of your hotel room, pour yourselves out; leaving nothing. If you feel challenged, write your issues and exchange the notes. Allow each one to read and ask questions. Allow whatever emotion that would surface to come unedited. This is learning to be vulnerable! Express your love and compassion to lead you in whatever direction. End this session by burning the expressed issues and express your commitment to each other from that point.
2.    Walk the talk: Act your reminders. This means you know when your partner wants to say something and the old anchors wants to rear their ugly face to stop that vulnerability. Just embrace and encourage love to break that barrier of communicating whatever is bothering him or her. This way you are allowing love to break any fear or and shame. Allow love to be a consuming fire that burns the bridges of the past to usher you into the future of bliss!

Taking control of your life is swimming up the stream to find your joy. Relationship challenges even the strong and brave person to flinch and hide and lead unfulfilled or be tempted to find strangers to fulfill their inner most needs. Let your man or woman be your closest friend and together explore yourselves until you know that you would not want to start that kind of journey with anyone else. Let love do everything for you; including opening the doors of joy for you and make your marriage a haven and place of unrestricted joy.