Create-a-new life!

Monday, 25 April 2016

Taking control: Complexity of the impact of childhood trauma!

Every negative experience contributes
 to behaviour and habits.....
Childhood trauma could be any incident that you experienced and probably you are not aware of but is contributing to your undesirable behavior, habits, and unexplainable illness and relationships issues.  The purpose of this article is to highlight these so that you can do your own further research.
Common traumas affecting emotional, social and physical health
Mothers and caregivers commit long-term emotional offenses during the first eight year of the children’s formative years which are stored in the subconscious mind, yet contribute to insecurity and other emotional issues. The difference between stress and emotional trauma is the intensity of the same emotions that apply to both. How quickly a person gets upset, the frequency and intensity, and the period it takes to calm down. The following are the contributors of emotional trauma:
1.   Separation from primary caregiver: The first thing a new-born child does is to adapt to the environment in which it is born; all sounds and the voices of other members of the family. Removing a child from familiar environment causes anxiety. We have to remember that a child is a full person with little experience. This means children absorb all energies through all senses plus feelings and thoughts.   
2.   Low level of parenting: This refers to lack of knowledge of the caregiver to provide necessary comfort such as changing nappies and adherence to feeding schedule and bath-times. A child develops a trust from these simple expectations. For an example, normally children enjoy bath-time and that coupled with soothing talk provides an atmosphere for bonding with the mother or caregivers.
3.   Physical harm: The body remembers everything that happens to it hence development of unexplained fear of heights, animals or any other responses which a person may not recall but clearly indicates evidence of pain and or fearful experience.
4.   Exposure to unpleasant environment: This refers to harsh exchange of words, fights, horror movies and withdrawn resources. Most parents are not aware that the sound effects are meant to bring specific responses. For an example, horror movies elicit fear and it creates fearful environment. This could even affect spiritual well being of a child. The function of the subconscious mind it to store information – good and bad – and these will manifest as undesirable behavior later in life.

Triggers of emotional trauma!
Emotional trauma becomes a social thorn in adulthood...!
Stored childhood experiences and information are triggered by current incidents that are similar to the actual experience such as:
1.   Disappointments: Traumatic feeling of disappointment such as divorce may affect how a child who experienced such serious conflict to process it successfully. As an adult such a person may have fear of approaching the opposite gender for a romantic relationship. The general fixation could be low self-esteem.
2.   Injury from accidents including natural disasters: I was injured by a broken bottle twice when I was eight years; thus creating a fear of walking barefooted outside the house. Unreasonable fear of anything has a root which often occurred during childhood.
3.   Physical assault including rape: Exposure to such violence often causes a traumatic response and lack of trust from the person of opposite sex; thus contributing to inability to have healthy sexual relationships.

Fear is a learned behavior. We all know that an infant fear nothing until it experiences unpleasant feelings of shame, despair anxiety, fear and pain. Taking control of your life denotes correcting any unexplained behavior such as anger, low self esteem and fearfulness. Identifying these flawed behaviors will help you to realize that they are emotional trauma archived in the subconscious mind. Life follows you. This means you are what you were exposed to during your formative years and to a lesser degree, exposure to negative experiences with other people in all social institutions.

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Taking control: Benefits of developing a teachable attitude!

Dogs are natural enemies with cats. It they learnt to make friends,
 so can you with whoever is challenging your ability to love unconditionally!
Teachable attitude denotes being aware that learning is a process that transcends the grave. It enables one to purposely acquire and apply knowledge acquired through informal, non-formal and formal learning; thus motivating one to become a better person in all aspects of personal growth.

Component of a teachable attitude!
We should learn from the proverb which says rebuking a wise man will make that man to love you more. Teachable attitude is a learned behavior. It is a result of conscious decision to learn from both negative and positive experiences and environment. The following are components of a teachable attitude:
1.   Humility: It is a fundamental attribute that is necessary to enable a person to learn informally at home from people, children, even animals including small creatures like ants. It is a humble spirit that enables one to join community social groups and learn to adapt to joint efforts with others who share similar health or social interests or issues.

2.   Desire for improved knowledge and wisdom: If you have not referred to your text books since you graduated, you have surely become obsolete in whatever field you studied. On the other hand you can maintain optimum knowledge and skill when you continually update your current content. For an example, most of us are aware of our potential from social point of view but have not explored the spiritual self for potential spiritual gifts.

You can do so by renewing your mind!
3.   Open Mindedness:  We learn through all senses including thoughts and feelings. Perhaps you are familiar with learning from five senses but have no idea about the accuracy of your feelings which reveal the nature of your thoughts; they reflect the level of your consciousness. The naked truth is that you are a stranger to yourself; that is, you have fixated experiences which contributed to your undesirable emotional flaws which remained concealed and covered by new complex one referred to defense mechanism. Developing open mind will encourage you to confront your flaws and consciously unlearn all undesirable habits without judging yourself. This means you could assess your behavior and purposely eliminate undesirable ones so that you can subjectively change for the better.

4.   Self-control: The function of the sub-conscious mind includes storage of accumulated information and experiences and will maintain all learned behavior so that it becomes natural to maintain the status quo on whatever was configured in your mind during your socialization from birth. In other words it is through self assessment and re-learning that you choose to remain with current behavior or shape and replace with one that supports personal growth goals.

5.   Positive perspective about life: Only when one sees life as a gift and embraces nature and all its intricacies that nature will unfold its expanse of knowledge and wisdom. Whatever you learned at school pointed to resources centers and it is your responsibility to access the new knowledge and use it.

6.   Revelation about uniqueness and resourcefulness of individuals: Our source of learning since we stepped on planet earth has been other human beings: our families, community, schools, and other social institutions. All that you know comes from someone through direct encounter or indirectly through the written materials and the media because you allowed yourself to be teachable.   

7.   Application of information and skills throughout your life: All accumulated information and skills without application is a mere history and unprofitable if you have not applied the anywhere. Being teachable is to use such accumulated knowledge to improve yourself and others. You are teachable if your primary school science ushered you into high technology space science and quantum physics. You can reap the benefits of learning when science reveals what used to be referred to as spiritual mysteries.  

Being teachable simply says you continue to widen your scope of your environment and its secrets. It means you continue to seek new information to clear any myths that tainted your values and beliefs and stole most of your freedom through superstition and backwardness. Life is fun and rewarding when you develop and stay teachable!


Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Taking control: What to do when peace eludes you!

Most of us seek peace is within self!
Peace could be defined from sociological, political, spiritual and psychological perspectives. In this context peace is seen as a byproduct of emotions which a person can learn to access and harness as a lifestyle. It is the most sought after emotional state which reflects spiritual enlightenment.

Peacefulness could be learned!
Peace is a result of positive energy from the environment and within a person which is generated by positive information from all senses including thoughts and feelings. From the moment we are born we learn to adapt to our environment and similarly respond to it; hence our subjective view of our world. As an adult you may note undesirable habits and behaviors which are contrary to your ideal way of life. We will discuss three steps that you may learn to change your perception of what peace is and how to maintain it.

Peace is a given state of being and it is therefore there for you to repossess and harness in your life.  Basically peace is within you and become illusive whenever you allow your mind to work on the basis of your past experiences. In other words if you remove all negative experiences you encounter or project into the future by way of contemplating challenges, it leaves you with peace. Let us learn how this is so:

1.   Understand what peace is and learn to feel it: Peace is readily available and therefore you do not need to have money to go anywhere because it is within you and is accessible. Lack of peace is the presence of negative energy characterized by thoughts that are motivated by fear, anger, lack, guilt, anxiety and ambition. As you can see all these points to allowing the mind to shift from now; that is, stopping to be focused on the present moment.  You cannot change things that generated the huge bad energy called fear and anger. Anxiety is caused by projecting into the future and becoming hysterical about the possibilities of misfortune or failure to attain a life goal. When you remove the past and the future from haunting you, you are left with peace.

2.   Seek peace: Having understood what peace is denotes that you are aware that you have a choice to seek it and make it your priority. This means you choose to see and feel calm even in chaotic situations. For an example, when you meet argumentative people who spew venom on everything, you take a deep breath and choose to maintain your peaceful attitude by refusing to engage in a negative and unproductive environment. You have a choice all the time if you on the other hand have learnt about the tactics of your own ego.

3.   Learn by doing: Learning transcends the grave. Taking control of your life means seeking information that enables you to attain a desirable lifestyle. Practice what you have learned. Experience peace in you by imagining scenes that quiet your mind until you feel it. For an example, when you listen to your favorite music, you allow your mind to transport you to the place that music is about and enable you to experience the picture that it brings into your mind. This is why even if you are sixty you can still allow your mind to transport you to the day you met your first date in your teen years. Results! You will be smiling because you will be retrieving the scene and experiencing it. So it is with peace; you can create it in your mind and access it anytime you want!

Peace starts with you as an individual; it extends to your family, your community and the world at large. Since you have no control on anything outside you, you can have and maintain peaceful attitude because it would be a choice you make and live by. We all seek peace because it supports life and has the tendency to reveal the beauty of our planet and its inhabitants.

Sunday, 3 April 2016

Taking control: How to identify loveless and emotionally unstable partner in intimate relationship!

Ideal couple is two emotionally stable persons ...fully aware of
their feelings and future plans

Intimate relationship is a result of a process of getting to know a different sex partner with a purpose of committing to marriage. It is a journey of discovery which requires both parties to objectively study and assess the other party’s behavior over a period of various stages of dating. 
What is a loveless relationship?
Loveless marriage in the African context was a social system of arranged marriage where parents played a front role in agreeing to join their children in marriage before they come of age.  In our era, it is more complex and is characterized by emotional issues leading to alcohol and drugs abuse.

Signs of emotionally unstable relationship!
Often emotionally wounded people are unable to love without controlling, manipulating or becoming excessively clingy. These behavioral flaws are carefully disguised as being protective of the loved ones. Let me explain:
1.   Controlling partner: Often display a ‘better than thou’ attitude whereby he or she plays a leading role in establishing and managing relationship activities such as:
·        chooses restaurant for regular outing;
·        dictates what career would be suitable for the other partner;
·        which car to drive and why;  and
·        where to invest money and suggest terms of investment.
All these are seemingly harmless contribution from a loving partner;
Relationships challenge us all!  
nonetheless these are important aspects of life which a person would want to feel solely responsible achieving and setting a lifestyle of choice. If you have changed your mind due to unrequested advice from your loved one, regard these as flags for concern and possible controlling.

2.   Manipulating partner: Manipulation is exertion of undue influence aimed at gaining control, benefits and privileges in a relationship. The victim loses self confidence and progressively become dependent to the perpetrator who then take full control over the victim’s life and resources.

3.   Clingy partner: You may confuse this excessive calling and accounting for all daily activities as a sign of love. You will soon get annoyed for explaining your existence. Yes, clingy partner is all over you and is constantly occupying your mind and space. For example, a male partner may decline to join you with your friends and successfully disguise his dislike of you being without him. He will however call more than twice to ask about something; thus ruining your joy effectively.  Or you will find him outside, displaying misery and injecting you with guilt for leaving him alone. That is a sick behavior!

Can you cope with emotional unstable partner?
Marriage is a lifelong partnership and requires informed decisions regarding social, spiritual and emotional health.  If you spot instability explained above, you must ask yourself: Can I cope with this behavior over life-time? Surely this is a clear question and requires a clear answer from you! Marriage is a union of two fully informed persons intending to get involved with each other and share the whole self unreservedly for life. That is a serious union! The reality is that once you tie the knot, you are obliged to submit under the man as a leader of the family. Think about that! Often emotional issues require a long specialized therapy.

Emotionally unstable person is challenged to establish and manage romantic relationship without ruining it with oppressive behavior. Taking control of your life is exercising your freedom to choose a mate whom you will share and enjoy your life with. One cannot be sure that emotionally unstable persons are capable of loving another person without abusing their trust and other marital resources. Seek professional help if you really are head over heels in love!