Create-a-new life!

Thursday, 28 May 2015

Taking control: Should single mothers be equipped with parenting techniques?

Of all the things going through your mind, the most
effective route is seeking the wisdom from within
 you, the spiritual self is always knowing and
above any situation! 
The main ingredient in parenting is love because it provides physical and emotional security.  As a child develops, he/she should be empowered with accurate information and appropriate social skills. Single mothers often struggle in modeling optimum care because they lack basic parenting skills.
What are basic parenting techniques?
The most challenging parenting function is walking the talk. A single parent may read and understand the key principles of parenting but face challenges of modeling them because of her own socialization flaws.  Attempting to act on what you do not believe in could be emotionally taxing and kids are smart in picking the negative vibrations and window dressing behavior. According to Psychology and Life by Philip G. Zimbardo, getting the first desirable response from your child so that you can reinforce it is a daunting responsibility. He lists the following techniques: “ a) increasing motivation;  b)  lowering restraints; c) structuring the environment; d) forcing; e) providing a model; and f) giving instructions…”  These techniques are said to be essential in instilling desirable behavior:
1.    Increasing motivation: Most parents perform this task initially when encouraging a child to sit, walk and in potty training. This technique would apply for teaching a child how to make up a bed, tidy his/her bedroom. A single mother on the other hand lose touch because she must work to further her studies in order to maintain her upward mobility and do not have time to supervise these chores. 
2.    Lowering restraints: Denotes reducing constraints. When rules are not consistent they will eventually stop to be binding. This poses a challenge for a single mother because often she over-compensates her inability to spend quality time by overlooking non-compliance to established rules.  Violation starts when mom has to keep kids occupied and entertained by watching television.  Television is addictive and always has a negative impact on study time and performing of house chores. Once this is broken, single moms face the challenge of enforcing rules as children grow up.  
3.    Structuring the environment: Occurs when teaching siblings to work together to address competitive behavior. Competitiveness could ruin relationship between mom and kids or between siblings. A single mom must be vigilant and address this destructive behavior immediately.
4.    Forcing:  Parents apply this technique successfully until kids become teenagers. Forcing is necessary to teach a child to eat nutritious foods, do assignments before playing and waking up at a particular hour to go to school on time. This approach backfires when a child leaves home; they simply do not know how to handle their freedom. A single mom must therefore explain why certain values must be enforced.
5.    Providing a model: A child learns by imitating both parents and other adults. Since a single mom is not able to play a role of a father, this gap could lead to feelings of inadequacy for a male child. A single mom should be aware of this need before birth and seek support for trusted male relative to spend quality time with a male child during the first eight years. Basic social skills for a male child includes fishing, repairing locks, gardening and changing car tires.
6.    Giving instructions: All learning involves giving instructions. The challenge is doing so when mom is not stressed so that it becomes a coaching session not exerting power. Giving instructions from a coaching perspective is the best approach because it reflects love and will transcend all development stages.  

Most parents use trial and error approach hoping to hit on appropriate stimuli for producing desired behavior. When parents fail, they blame environment, modernized schools where kids are not punished for poor behavior and other ‘bad’ peers.  Without exception parenting is a huge task that requires accurate content and lots of unconditional love to apply all of the above techniques for deriving desirable outcome. A single parent’s role therefore is to identify and be aware of how or when own childhood issues surface. Identifying triggers could empower a single mom to be aware of the motivating factor behind her parenting style.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Taking control: How to love your mother-in-law!

Love is a common subject but complex because of the expectations attached to this emotion.  True love is unconditional. This means you do not have to meet certain conditions to give or receive love.  Nonetheless, this simple act is a challenging matter when it comes to most mothers-in-law.
Possible reasons why your mother-in-law is a challenge!
As I earnestly looked for possible reason why daughters-in-law are not getting along with their mothers-in-law, I remembered an example given by my psychology teacher regarding conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind.  She explained that one of the functions of the mind is to capture, classify and file all information and experiences through all senses. I now realize that while your mother-in-law is happy that you are going to bear her grand-children by marrying her son, she loses him to you and that makes you her rival.  This unconscious loss manifest in more than the following examples:
1.    Unreasonable general dislike of you: She dislikes your dress code, cooking styles, your choice of paint colors and decoration.
2.    Controlling behavior: You do not love her enough because you declined to be her trophy; showing you off in public gatherings by overplaying your introduction to friends, family and everybody.
3.    You are a bad influence: Her son no longer gives her money or gifts regularly.
4.    You control her son: Her son has changed the way he dresses his beard and shaves his head.
5.    Unreasonable expectations: You gave her tea with your ordinary tea set and not one from your display cabinet (the best you do not use regularly).
6.    Refuses to cut her apron strings around your husband: You must keep her informed about private matter such as spacing your children.
7.    She sees herself as authority: She insists to be informed about your developments – buying a house or a new car.
Possible consequences of complying with your mother-in-law’s expectations
Marriage is like a project; it needs your undivided attention. It is highly possible that you will lose focus on working on your marriage if you also seek to meet your mother-in-law’s expectations. Remember that there is a ‘leaving both your parents and cleaving’ to each other clause in your marriage contract.  This should give you some form of relief that you are complying with the terms if you are cleaving to your husband.  Nevertheless, since you want some form of peace, you must learn how to cope with your mother-in-law’s expectations without letting her into your life.
How to love your Mother-in-Law   
1.    Apply the law of harmony: Regard her with compassion because you have won her son.
2.    Practice the power of now: Love is applicable only in the present.  Disregard what she said one hour ago and what she is likely to say in the next hour. Love her regardless of her sulking.
3.    Be assertive when refusing her control over your lifestyle: Just give her appropriate place in your heart; that is, learn to say ‘no’ to practices that separate you as a couple.
4.    Be determined to win: Your mother-in-law is a project you must manage effectively and efficiently; and must complete successfully!
While your spouse is doing the right thing by refusing to allow a third person in your marriage, you are likely to feel like giving in. Remember, you too may feel like you have abandoned her. To ensure that there is no subtle bad energy between you as a couple, agree on a monthly allowance even if she does not need it. She will treasure that feeling of being in your budget book.  As a couple, your first responsibility is to nurture your love by not exposing it to any harsh elements. Remember you swore to value each other for life. You have started over a new life; and parents should support that divine goal.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Taking control: How to empower yourself against self-deprecation!

Self-deprecation is belittling oneself. It is a fruit and manifestation of behavior in a person; caused by parenting which was characterized by negative or inconsistent words, behavior and action especially during the first eight years of socializing a child.
Self-deprecation concept!
Confidence is a learned behavior.
 It is a result of successful parenting
You are a spirit being with a soul living in a body. Deprecation is a form of a learned behavior consisting of seven character-flaws; greed, self-destruction, stubbornness, arrogance, impatience and martyrdom. From birth an infant uses all senses to learn and adapt to the environment it is born into. Parents' tone of voice, non-verbal cues and practices provide nurturing atmosphere of love and security or fear, uncertainly and withdrawal. An infant recognize reinforcement and disapproval and associates these with its actions. When disapproval is communicated with positive words and action, they support positive exploration of the environment. Constant harsh rebuke will result in low self-worth and manifest as deprecation.
How to empower yourself against self-deprecation!
Empowerment start with critical thinking exercise wherein you identify undesirable thoughts, words and actions which do not tally with the inner strong sense of self which clearly speak differently from you mind.  If you want to change, do not take this dual talk lightly; sit down and really look inside you:
1.    Socialization: All people depending on the quality of socialization principles, adopt a positive or negative self-talk. The key is identifying deprecation cues:  Thoughts that magnifies your blemishes, words through which you strip yourself naked alone or in front of others; and low-key actions that lacks determination and vigor to do well in whatever you do!
2.    The ideal you: Write down words that closely describe what the positive voice within you says about you.  Please note that from the spiritual perspective, you are unique and most dearly loved by your Creator. The positive voice never threatens you; it gently guides and stirs you towards productive thoughts – noble, just, lovely, praiseworthy and generally motivated by unconditional love of self and others. The fact is, your parents and other social institutions had failed to develop or point you to this godly self, whose function is to energize you and reveal your uniqueness.  Deprecation is judging yourself to the point of hate, which is abomination to God because He created you as a whole and fruitful being.
3.    Spiritual self: Your spiritual self is complete - wise and knowing the truth about your given talents and spiritual gifts. It is in this realm that you can decide to take a step of faith to take control of your life. How? Life is what you make of it! The key is deciding to allow the stronger you – spiritual self - to dominate your negative mind by believing that you are indeed a fully functional person with a clear purpose for your life. Secondly, in full consciousness, let go of the past by re-writing who you are through affirmation and meditation. You can never change the past; you can however influence your future if you engage in purposeful configuration of your mind.  When you make effort to ward off negative thoughts that limit your momentum to your established goals, they become noise; and that enables you to stop them before they develop to the next level of actions.
4.    Determined plan to change: The consistent positive self-talk will not only override your traumatic childhood experiences, but will give you intrinsic motivation to rise above challenges as you re-socialize yourself to listen to your heart and learn to act fast when your intuition affirms a way to go.
Deprecation thrives when you stay in the past and continually re-open your emotional wounds. Those who socialize you deserve your conscious pardon; simply forgive everyone for withholding their unconditional love and coaching you to be a functional person. Regardless of the level of harm, you have power and ability to change who you are and be fully present! If you want to move from deprecation, go for counseling first and then hire a coach to walk with you to your freedom!

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Taking control: Are you a trend setter or a follower?

A trend setter has a deep insight of self and does not allow societal norms, beliefs and values to derail or limit personal identity and goals. Such energy is charismatic and can only be admired because it is ideal and displays an open approach to life.
Attributes of a trend setter!
Life is dynamic. It follows therefore, that there should be trend-setters who think outside the box through art and social practices that make culture spicy and adaptable for the young generation in particular. Their attributes include the following:
1.   Confidence:  A trend setter is a great believer of self; that he or she is a whole person – a unique physical, social and spirituality being. Having confidence is being okay on your own without needing external support to accomplish positive emotions.
2.   Express their thoughts with little editing: Trend setters communicate their thoughts with the way they dress, and carry themselves both publicly and in private life. They do not compromise their image perception by conforming to cultural values and beliefs.
3.   Stand by their decision: They are not people-pleasers and are often adventurous in their quest to discover and fulfill their own goals. For an example, they are ones who normalizing high fashion trends.
4.   Trust personal instinct: In cases where others would consider the negative impact of swimming up the stream on societal norms such as a black man marrying a white lady; they would follow their hearts. 
5.   Do not fear failure: Failure has an element of societal standards; this is why most people want all glory or none if there is a chance to fail.  Seeking approval contributes to some people operating within a restricted radius.  Paying too much attention to what others say would leave very little room to discover and life optimum life; actually, you will never know who you really are.    
Underlying factors why other people are followers
The society admires people who conform to its beliefs and values because it is a main purpose of socialization. Do you recall how trend-setters stirred your thoughts when you saw a ladies five-corner top; pink tie, or man wearing ear-rings? The ‘normal’ reaction when you first saw these unusual outfits and outrageous gender malpractices was resistance. For an example, if people were to know that a young couple sleeps in separate rooms, they will be alarmed until they eventually find possible reasons. Only when they learn that one of them snores and therefore cause the other stress would they see sense in sleeping in separate rooms. The point is, followers maintain status quo; while trend setters rattle the standards.
Do you know that some people spend most of their adult life living according to the established standards and watching their lives pass by! I hope you will realize that you are not really living your life; you are conforming to the ideals set up by the society and you will likely force your child through socialization to do the same?  You may consider thinking about this and rate yourself!