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Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Taking control: How to love your mother-in-law!

Love is a common subject but complex because of the expectations attached to this emotion.  True love is unconditional. This means you do not have to meet certain conditions to give or receive love.  Nonetheless, this simple act is a challenging matter when it comes to most mothers-in-law.
Possible reasons why your mother-in-law is a challenge!
As I earnestly looked for possible reason why daughters-in-law are not getting along with their mothers-in-law, I remembered an example given by my psychology teacher regarding conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind.  She explained that one of the functions of the mind is to capture, classify and file all information and experiences through all senses. I now realize that while your mother-in-law is happy that you are going to bear her grand-children by marrying her son, she loses him to you and that makes you her rival.  This unconscious loss manifest in more than the following examples:
1.    Unreasonable general dislike of you: She dislikes your dress code, cooking styles, your choice of paint colors and decoration.
2.    Controlling behavior: You do not love her enough because you declined to be her trophy; showing you off in public gatherings by overplaying your introduction to friends, family and everybody.
3.    You are a bad influence: Her son no longer gives her money or gifts regularly.
4.    You control her son: Her son has changed the way he dresses his beard and shaves his head.
5.    Unreasonable expectations: You gave her tea with your ordinary tea set and not one from your display cabinet (the best you do not use regularly).
6.    Refuses to cut her apron strings around your husband: You must keep her informed about private matter such as spacing your children.
7.    She sees herself as authority: She insists to be informed about your developments – buying a house or a new car.
Possible consequences of complying with your mother-in-law’s expectations
Marriage is like a project; it needs your undivided attention. It is highly possible that you will lose focus on working on your marriage if you also seek to meet your mother-in-law’s expectations. Remember that there is a ‘leaving both your parents and cleaving’ to each other clause in your marriage contract.  This should give you some form of relief that you are complying with the terms if you are cleaving to your husband.  Nevertheless, since you want some form of peace, you must learn how to cope with your mother-in-law’s expectations without letting her into your life.
How to love your Mother-in-Law   
1.    Apply the law of harmony: Regard her with compassion because you have won her son.
2.    Practice the power of now: Love is applicable only in the present.  Disregard what she said one hour ago and what she is likely to say in the next hour. Love her regardless of her sulking.
3.    Be assertive when refusing her control over your lifestyle: Just give her appropriate place in your heart; that is, learn to say ‘no’ to practices that separate you as a couple.
4.    Be determined to win: Your mother-in-law is a project you must manage effectively and efficiently; and must complete successfully!
While your spouse is doing the right thing by refusing to allow a third person in your marriage, you are likely to feel like giving in. Remember, you too may feel like you have abandoned her. To ensure that there is no subtle bad energy between you as a couple, agree on a monthly allowance even if she does not need it. She will treasure that feeling of being in your budget book.  As a couple, your first responsibility is to nurture your love by not exposing it to any harsh elements. Remember you swore to value each other for life. You have started over a new life; and parents should support that divine goal.