Create-a-new life!

Sunday, 24 January 2016

Taking control: The emotional cost of staying in unfulfilling relationship!

Are you happy or okay? Only you knows the honest situation! 

At the moment of birth an infant clings to its mother for basic needs – love, food, security and shelter. Throughout life these needs still determines our level of prosperity and how we experience life. Relationships are therefore a determining factor of fulfilled life.

How do we describe unfulfilling relationship!
Unfulfilling relationship lacks some of the key and essential components of intimate love such as trust, emotional and or social security, adequate communication, openness and vulnerability.

Emotional cost of unfulfilling relationship!
A relationship is a product of emotional bond of two mature people who responded positively to physical attraction and expressively or implicitly agreed to share their physical and non-physical resources.  Ideal intimate relationship thrives on effective communication of expectations of giving and receiving resources from each party and how the relationship will be managed. Often the latter is never discussed adequately from the onset and become awkward to bring up later when expectations are not met.  For clarity we will relate the story of one lady called Lorna who was overwhelmed by a gentleman who approached her; she said it was as if she was being interviewed instead of being on a first date. She dropped the man and fell for a romantic man and got married within six months. They divorced within two years; very long two years while she was considering and verifying the mixed emotions and lukewarm relationship! It is important to note that there are only two types of feelings; good or bad! Now let us see why the relationship was not fulfilling:
1.   Hiding true emotions: Shortly after the honeymoon the marital bed grew lukewarm. The communication gaps multiplied and became longer. The relationship did not have deep foundations and was shaky. She sought support in friends and her sister. She was shocked by the speed of deterioration of something that she felt will last forever! The question is; on what grounds were her marriage vows based on?

2.   Tolerating a controlling behavior: Condescending talk causes deep fear and shame. The only time Lorna communicated with the beloved husband was when she raised her concerns about a command-like statement that demanded her to give more attention to keeping his closet laundered and shoes polished. Does that sound like sharing life with a beloved wife or a hired help? Emotional abuse is intentional and shows that love has declined to below tolerance; staying in such a marriage is not healthy.

3.   Unsupportive attitude: One cold morning Lorna was running late, doing the morning chores of preparing breakfast and tidying up when she discovered that her car had a flat tyre. At that time her husband was reversing into the driveway. She waved and informed him of the situation. He muttered something about being late for a meeting and drove off. He did not call to find out how she got to work. Is that how a loving and committed spouse should treat emergency situation concerning his wife?

4.   Social and emotional insecurity: Lorna had to assess where she stood; she could not feel secure nor see her future. She had become numb with disappointment: She noticed that she had not grown emotionally or spiritually since she met her husband; she has developed low self-esteem instead. Secondly, she has become a slave in their new home; she alone had to do house chores and was not being appreciated. Thirdly, she has not been saving money; she realized with dismay that they have never really discussed their future prospects and was frightened about the holes in their relationship. Emotional red lights were flashing; she must stir her life back on course without further delays!

Unfulfilling relationship is a mistake which one must see as such and take upon self to rectify as soon as one feels is heading nowhere in terms of sharing love, trusting each other  and being supportive and committed to each other’s personal and joint goals. Taking control of your life is being honest when evaluating the nature of a relationship you have. It is honestly learning from mistakes and not being afraid to start-over a new life!