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Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Taking control: Should wives ignore violation of marriage vows!


Marriage is a process of establishing a special trust between two people who have been attracted to each other and progressed through dating to the point of joining two families into a lifetime relationship. The two individuals declare loyalty and full access to each other physically, socially, financially and emotionally.
Marriage vows may not contain all binding words; but they cause deep
emotional wounds when they are violated...!

Living the marriage vows!
The vows could be repeated after the presiding officer or be special words of love, trust and commitment to each other from the heart. Depending on how the couple wants to impress each other, the list could be long and specific. Words reveal thoughts and feelings and marriage is usually a well planned social occasion which brings other people into the relationship.  Honeymoon is not a starting point because the environment is overcharged with emotions and novelty of the couple merging their future dreams. The true picture of a relationship takes off at a place called home. Here each party struggle to get used to being legally accountable to someone. How? Both explains thoughts, actions and feelings; and jointly plan a day schedule. After work each one gives a summary of work activities and whether it was generally a good day or not! This is an ideal version and routine life of newly-weds.

As they discover each other’s flaws and white marriage gets tainted, this routine behavior changes.  The first sign of deterioration is emotional withdrawal. Few months into the marriage, the couple experience longer period of silence and forgetfulness regarding daily activities and assigned chores. At this point often a lady is pondering about the ‘vows’ which brought tears of joy to both parents and friends!  For the first time a lady seeks a real meaning of ‘…to have and honor her …for good and for worse….’  Wow!  What exactly was the meaning of these vows? Should she ignore these memory lapses or should she correct the behavior assertively? There is a belief that nothing will happen to you that you do not allow. If this is true, it is best to express concern for unexplained errands which left her not knowing how to plan ideal intimate time, entertainment and even planning a family!

Reality check on maintaining marriage vows!
A vow is binding and it is more so when done in the presence of parents and many witnesses. The reality is that it is hard for a person who has been free from parents’ supervision for most of adult life to start having to account to someone else.  It is more so when pre-marital counselling was not in the picture.  The minimum of six sessions over a period of six months is meant to provide real life situations in a safe environment and to cover essential subjects which parents and friends often overlook:
1.    Childhood emotional health: Have you successfully exited into adulthood? This refers to ability to walk away from childhood emotional hurts and consciously choose to cut loose from such anchors.
2.    Accountability: Clear communication should be established before marriage.  Communication enables you to know the needs of your spouse and how you could meet them. When you withhold some information about your activities or plans, you are ruining that trust which bound you together.
3.    Excuses are disguised lies:  Excuses do not exonerate you from your responsibility to give and have full attention to your marriage. They leave you guilty and wanting in integrity.    
4.    Unexplained errands punch holes in a relationship: Communicating your thoughts, actions, feelings and future plans cement the relationship and establish strong foundations upon which to raise children. Marriage equation with space in it is untrue because the same behavior would not be acceptable when tables are turned.

Marriage vows should not just be exaggerated words; they should be carefully selected because words are indestructible. You need to see them as projecting what you believe in and will stand by when you consider walking away.  Wives should not ignore violation of vows; they are signs that all is not well. It is always better to know where you stand rather than being delusional about your future!