Taking control: Should single mothers be equipped with parenting techniques?

Of all the things going through your mind, the most
effective route is seeking the wisdom from within
 you, the spiritual self is always knowing and
above any situation! 

The main ingredient in parenting is love because it provides physical and emotional security.  As a child develops, he/she should be empowered with accurate information and appropriate social skills. Single mothers often struggle in modeling optimum care because they lack basic parenting skills.

What are basic parenting techniques?

The most challenging parenting function is walking the talk. A single parent may read and understand the key principles of parenting but face challenges of modeling them because of her own socialization flaws.  Attempting to act on what you do not believe in could be emotionally taxing and kids are smart in picking the negative vibrations and window dressing behavior. According to Psychology and Life by Philip G. Zimbardo, getting the first desirable response from your child so that you can reinforce it is a daunting responsibility. He lists the following techniques: “ a) increasing motivation;  b)  lowering restraints; c) structuring the environment; d) forcing; e) providing a model; and f) giving instructions…”  These techniques are said to be essential in instilling desirable behavior:

1.    Increasing motivation: Most parents perform this task initially when encouraging a child to sit, walk and in potty training. This technique would apply for teaching a child how to make up a bed, tidy his/her bedroom. A single mother on the other hand lose touch because she must work to further her studies in order to maintain her upward mobility and do not have time to supervise these chores. 

2.    Lowering restraints: Denotes reducing constraints. When rules are not consistent they will eventually stop to be binding. This poses a challenge for a single mother because often she over-compensates her inability to spend quality time by overlooking non-compliance to established rules.  Violation starts when mom has to keep kids occupied and entertained by watching television.  Television is addictive and always has a negative impact on study time and performing of house chores. Once this is broken, single moms face the challenge of enforcing rules as children grow up.  

3.    Structuring the environment: Occurs when teaching siblings to work together to address competitive behavior. Competitiveness could ruin relationship between mom and kids or between siblings. A single mom must be vigilant and address this destructive behavior immediately.

4.    Forcing:  Parents apply this technique successfully until kids become teenagers. Forcing is necessary to teach a child to eat nutritious foods, do assignments before playing and waking up at a particular hour to go to school on time. This approach backfires when a child leaves home; they simply do not know how to handle their freedom. A single mom must therefore explain why certain values must be enforced.

5.    Providing a model: A child learns by imitating both parents and other adults. Since a single mom is not able to play a role of a father, this gap could lead to feelings of inadequacy for a male child. A single mom should be aware of this need before birth and seek support for trusted male relative to spend quality time with a male child during the first eight years. Basic social skills for a male child includes fishing, repairing locks, gardening and changing car tires.

6.    Giving instructions: All learning involves giving instructions. The challenge is doing so when mom is not stressed so that it becomes a coaching session not exerting power. Giving instructions from a coaching perspective is the best approach because it reflects love and will transcend all development stages.  

Most parents use trial and error approach hoping to hit on appropriate stimuli for producing desired behavior. When parents fail, they blame environment, modernized schools where kids are not punished for poor behavior and other ‘bad’ peers.  Without exception parenting is a huge task that requires accurate content and lots of unconditional love to apply all of the above techniques for deriving desirable outcome. A single parent’s role therefore is to identify and be aware of how or when own childhood issues surface. Identifying triggers could empower a single mom to be aware of the motivating factor behind her parenting style.

Taking control: How to love your mother-in-law!

                                        

Love is a common subject but complex because of the expectations attached to this emotion.  True love is unconditional. This means you do not have to meet certain conditions to give or receive love.  Nonetheless, this simple act is a challenging matter when it comes to most mothers-in-law.

Possible reasons why your mother-in-law is a challenge!

As I earnestly looked for possible reason why daughters-in-law are not getting along with their mothers-in-law, I remembered an example given by my psychology teacher regarding conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind.  She explained that one of the functions of the mind is to capture, classify and file all information and experiences through all senses. I now realize that while your mother-in-law is happy that you are going to bear her grand-children by marrying her son, she loses him to you and that makes you her rival.  This unconscious loss manifest in more than the following examples:

1.    Unreasonable general dislike of you: She dislikes your dress code, cooking styles, your choice of paint colors and decoration.

2.    Controlling behavior: You do not love her enough because you declined to be her trophy; showing you off in public gatherings by overplaying your introduction to friends, family and everybody.

3.    You are a bad influence: Her son no longer gives her money or gifts regularly.

4.    You control her son: Her son has changed the way he dresses his beard and shaves his head.

5.    Unreasonable expectations: You gave her tea with your ordinary tea set and not one from your display cabinet (the best you do not use regularly).

6.    Refuses to cut her apron strings around your husband: You must keep her informed about private matter such as spacing your children.

7.    She sees herself as authority: She insists to be informed about your developments – buying a house or a new car.

Possible consequences of complying with your mother-in-law’s expectations

Marriage is like a project; it needs your undivided attention. It is highly possible that you will lose focus on working on your marriage if you also seek to meet your mother-in-law’s expectations. Remember that there is a ‘leaving both your parents and cleaving’ to each other clause in your marriage contract.  This should give you some form of relief that you are complying with the terms if you are cleaving to your husband.  Nevertheless, since you want some form of peace, you must learn how to cope with your mother-in-law’s expectations without letting her into your life.

How to love your Mother-in-Law   

1.    Apply the law of harmony: Regard her with compassion because you have won her son.

2.    Practice the power of now: Love is applicable only in the present.  Disregard what she said one hour ago and what she is likely to say in the next hour. Love her regardless of her sulking.

3.    Be assertive when refusing her control over your lifestyle: Just give her appropriate place in your heart; that is, learn to say ‘no’ to practices that separate you as a couple.

4.    Be determined to win: Your mother-in-law is a project you must manage effectively and efficiently; and must complete successfully!

While your spouse is doing the right thing by refusing to allow a third person in your marriage, you are likely to feel like giving in. Remember, you too may feel like you have abandoned her. To ensure that there is no subtle bad energy between you as a couple, agree on a monthly allowance even if she does not need it. She will treasure that feeling of being in your budget book.  As a couple, your first responsibility is to nurture your love by not exposing it to any harsh elements. Remember you swore to value each other for life. You have started over a new life; and parents should support that divine goal.

Taking control: How to empower yourself against self-deprecation!

Self-deprecation is belittling oneself. It is a fruit and manifestation of behavior in a person; caused by parenting which was characterized by negative or inconsistent words, behavior and action especially during the first eight years of socializing a child.

Self-deprecation concept!

Confidence is a learned behavior.
 It is a result of successful parenting

You are a spirit being with a soul living in a body. Deprecation is a form of a learned behavior consisting of seven character-flaws; greed, self-destruction, stubbornness, arrogance, impatience and martyrdom. From birth an infant uses all senses to learn and adapt to the environment it is born into. Parents' tone of voice, non-verbal cues and practices provide nurturing atmosphere of love and security or fear, uncertainly and withdrawal. An infant recognize reinforcement and disapproval and associates these with its actions. When disapproval is communicated with positive words and action, they support positive exploration of the environment. Constant harsh rebuke will result in low self-worth and manifest as deprecation.

How to empower yourself against self-deprecation!

Empowerment start with critical thinking exercise wherein you identify undesirable thoughts, words and actions which do not tally with the inner strong sense of self which clearly speak differently from you mind.  If you want to change, do not take this dual talk lightly; sit down and really look inside you:

1.    Socialization: All people depending on the quality of socialization principles, adopt a positive or negative self-talk. The key is identifying deprecation cues:  Thoughts that magnifies your blemishes, words through which you strip yourself naked alone or in front of others; and low-key actions that lacks determination and vigor to do well in whatever you do!

2.    The ideal you: Write down words that closely describe what the positive voice within you says about you.  Please note that from the spiritual perspective, you are unique and most dearly loved by your Creator. The positive voice never threatens you; it gently guides and stirs you towards productive thoughts – noble, just, lovely, praiseworthy and generally motivated by unconditional love of self and others. The fact is, your parents and other social institutions had failed to develop or point you to this godly self, whose function is to energize you and reveal your uniqueness.  Deprecation is judging yourself to the point of hate, which is abomination to God because He created you as a whole and fruitful being.

3.    Spiritual self: Your spiritual self is complete - wise and knowing the truth about your given talents and spiritual gifts. It is in this realm that you can decide to take a step of faith to take control of your life. How? Life is what you make of it! The key is deciding to allow the stronger you – spiritual self - to dominate your negative mind by believing that you are indeed a fully functional person with a clear purpose for your life. Secondly, in full consciousness, let go of the past by re-writing who you are through affirmation and meditation. You can never change the past; you can however influence your future if you engage in purposeful configuration of your mind.  When you make effort to ward off negative thoughts that limit your momentum to your established goals, they become noise; and that enables you to stop them before they develop to the next level of actions.

4.    Determined plan to change: The consistent positive self-talk will not only override your traumatic childhood experiences, but will give you intrinsic motivation to rise above challenges as you re-socialize yourself to listen to your heart and learn to act fast when your intuition affirms a way to go.

Deprecation thrives when you stay in the past and continually re-open your emotional wounds. Those who socialize you deserve your conscious pardon; simply forgive everyone for withholding their unconditional love and coaching you to be a functional person. Regardless of the level of harm, you have power and ability to change who you are and be fully present! If you want to move from deprecation, go for counseling first and then hire a coach to walk with you to your freedom!

Taking control: Are you a trend setter or a follower?

A trend setter has a deep insight of self and does not allow societal norms, beliefs and values to derail or limit personal identity and goals. Such energy is charismatic and can only be admired because it is ideal and displays an open approach to life.

Attributes of a trend setter!

Life is dynamic. It follows therefore, that there should be trend-setters who think outside the box through art and social practices that make culture spicy and adaptable for the young generation in particular. Their attributes include the following:

1.   Confidence:  A trend setter is a great believer of self; that he or she is a whole person – a unique physical, social and spirituality being. Having confidence is being okay on your own without needing external support to accomplish positive emotions.

2.   Express their thoughts with little editing: Trend setters communicate their thoughts with the way they dress, and carry themselves both publicly and in private life. They do not compromise their image perception by conforming to cultural values and beliefs.

3.   Stand by their decision: They are not people-pleasers and are often adventurous in their quest to discover and fulfill their own goals. For an example, they are ones who normalizing high fashion trends.

4.   Trust personal instinct: In cases where others would consider the negative impact of swimming up the stream on societal norms such as a black man marrying a white lady; they would follow their hearts. 

5.   Do not fear failure: Failure has an element of societal standards; this is why most people want all glory or none if there is a chance to fail.  Seeking approval contributes to some people operating within a restricted radius.  Paying too much attention to what others say would leave very little room to discover and life optimum life; actually, you will never know who you really are.    

Underlying factors why other people are followers

The society admires people who conform to its beliefs and values because it is a main purpose of socialization. Do you recall how trend-setters stirred your thoughts when you saw a ladies five-corner top; pink tie, or man wearing ear-rings? The ‘normal’ reaction when you first saw these unusual outfits and outrageous gender malpractices was resistance. For an example, if people were to know that a young couple sleeps in separate rooms, they will be alarmed until they eventually find possible reasons. Only when they learn that one of them snores and therefore cause the other stress would they see sense in sleeping in separate rooms. The point is, followers maintain status quo; while trend setters rattle the standards.

Do you know that some people spend most of their adult life living according to the established standards and watching their lives pass by! I hope you will realize that you are not really living your life; you are conforming to the ideals set up by the society and you will likely force your child through socialization to do the same?  You may consider thinking about this and rate yourself!

Taking control: Are you sure you do not suffer from low self-esteem?

Most people have suffered some form of uncertainty with regard to ability to make friends, fear to participate in sports and class and accepting body shape or height. We encourage you to evaluate if you still have low self esteem!

What is low self-esteem?

It is an irrational interpretation, caused by negative perception of messages from parents and significant others involved in socializing a child during the first eight years of life. The mind retains these negative feedbacks and archives them; manifesting as various defense mechanism against a perceived hostile world. A person suffering from low self-esteem is concerned about failure and will dwell on possible problems. It is a norm to over-analyze hurdles rather than focus on success. A person is not conscious of the inner strength nor able to access intrinsic motivation to think and act according to own perception.  In other words, the tendency is to look for ideal situation to get going when faced with challenging environment instead of acting on own faith to succeed with inadequate available resources.

The contributing factors and outcome of low self-esteem!

The major cause of low self-esteem is withholding affection, negative talk or actions when correcting behavior during socialization.  Corporal punishment is still practiced by some parents who have low parenting skills or are victims of physical and emotional abuse themselves.  A child needs unconditional love like other basic needs like food, security and shelter. Any deprivation will result in issues of self-esteem outlines as follows:

1.    Low self esteem in childhood: Manifest in cheating, bullying, defaulting in class, shy to participate in class which leads to becoming underachiever.

2.    Low self-esteem in adolescents and adulthood: A suffer is a loner and generally unhappy. Since a human being is a social being, low interaction with other children will result in poor communication skills, inability to make friends and becoming hostile. Unfriendly person tend to exude negative energy which disallow any form of relationship; thus isolating a suffer, and contributing to depression.

3.    Other relationships issues resulting from low self-esteem: The ideal scenario in making friends with others is compatibility in terms of both academic and economic levels unless is for mentorship. For an example, a university lecturer who dates a bus driver seeks continuity of unquestioned submission. It is a skewed relationship and it is loaded with possible emotional issues associated with manipulations.

How to overcome low-self esteem!

A person with high self-esteem focuses on self-development and maintains open mind to learn and utilize identified talents and spiritual gifts as follows:

1.    Objectively looks and analyzes behavior that is not proactive towards self development. Remember you cannot change what you have not identified as needing change.

2.    Identify your strengths -talents and spiritual gifts. A talent is a natural ability to easily learn and acquire identifiable skills depicted in Seven Intelligences: Visual – spatial, Bodily – kinesthetic, Musical, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal, Linguistic, and Logical – mathematical.  Spiritual gifts are supernatural abilities to undertake spiritual functions such as: word of wisdom, word of knowledge, faith, healings, working of miracles, prophecy, discerning of spirits, speaking in different tongues and interpretation of different tongues.

3.    Focus on developing identified talents and spiritual gifts. It is good to know your weakness so that you can identify triggers; but never dwell in this corner!

4.    Hire a life-coach to assist you to review your goals and strategies as well as how to access resources in order to achieve them.

5.    Unlearn habits that are counter-productive to your personal growth and acceleration of momentum to your identified goals. Learn to say ‘no’ to situations or persons who derail you from your goals or contribute to procrastination.

People who suffer from low self-esteem fear making mistakes which is often mistaken for a virtue because that could be perceived as upholding high standards.  The condition is treatable through counseling and coaching. The latter is a positive approach to empowerment because it seeks to teach a sufferer how to identify and utilize inner strengths.   

Taking control: Learn how to overcome anger and other negative emotions!

Negative emotion is a mental response to environment which does not tally with your beliefs and values systems instilled through the socialization process. All people have accumulated a varying degree of unpleasant experiences from words and actions used to teach or correct behavior.

Anger defined!

Anger is a learned physical and mental emotion accumulated throughout life, displaying a biological stimulation of the body to fight or run in preservation of self.  In its degree of severity, it could be subtle resentment, it could lead a person to raise the voice, pound the hand/fist on objects and physically attack the source or victim.

Contributing factors to anger and other negative emotions!

Anger is a common emotional baggage which could begin before conception, be experienced at conception, during pregnancy and throughout the foundational years of childhood and adult life. The following depicts the contributing factors to anger and other negative emotions:

1.    Before conception: Parenting occurs before conception. If the mother did not fully agree on starting a family because she was working towards a promotion to executive position, compliance would not rule out subtle resentment and anger for compromised personal goal; and that would affect a baby. It is said that the sperm would experience resistance when trying to penetrate the egg.

2.    Pregnancy and childhood: Anger and other negative emotion such as fear due to financial lack do affect the mother and the baby. Repressed anger is common and do find outlets later in adult life. In most cases it manifest through continual attempt to numb the pain through alcohol and other substances.

3.    Poor socialization: As indicated above, socialization starts before conception and requires continual empowerment of social, economic and spiritual knowledge and skills. The ideal approach of empowerment is allowing learning through self experiences with guidelines and not coercion or compliance by fear. Most parents transfer their own experiences of childhood and add some or any logic that may resemble purposeful impartation of knowledge and skills.  A child learns by watching parents and others; this implies that exposure to undesirable environment is harmful. Emotional abuse is common when parents lack knowledge on what it is, and its impact on the child’s self esteem. Most of us had to learn to regain our self-worth to be able to access job market, pursue career, engage in and manage relationships.

How to overcome anger and other emotions!

When you are aware of your anger triggers, you have the first key that will unlock the inner you and face the challenge through various anger management techniques.  You are on your way to reclaiming control of your life because you can only change what you have identified as undesirable.  The following techniques will assist you to not be controlled by your emotions:

1.    Abort negative thoughts: Anger is a manifestation of negative thoughts. The key is watching the quality of your thoughts. The Creators advise us to meditate on His Word – fix your thoughts on what is noble, pure, lovely and praise-worthy.  Choose to forgive immediately.

2.    Breath and count to ten: If you flip to the next stage – feeling anger brewing inside you, look at it and identify its color and watch it without judging. This shift of attention into your ability and intention to maintain peace and joy will immediately reduce the building up process. Remember you are not your mind and therefore can watch the scene as a separate being. This simple act of taking in fresh air though your nostrils will enable you to watch your anger without participating in it.   Watching it gives you power to reduce its velocity and will enable you to respond and not react to the incident.

3.    Engage in physical activity: If you have fitness equipment engage in exercises; if not find something to do like cleaning the floor, walls, cupboards. This will cause your body to produce happy hormones that will offset the fight or run hormones.

4.    Be conscious about the tense muscles and relax your shoulders while breathing deeply:  When anger sets in, your body prepares to fight or run. It pours in adrenalins into your system for increased strength.  The heart rate increases and other body functions are temporarily on hold because your brain has sent alert message for a crisis. Shift your thoughts by focusing on any picture that will neutralize this state. I normally sing or pray in the spirit and move away from the scene. Unmanaged ager will eventually result in the following health issues:

·        High blood pressure

·        Stroke

·        Coronary conditions

·        Digestive issues which may lead to cancer

·        Lowered immune system which leads to colds, flu and other health conditions.

If you sit and ask yourself if there is any reason to allow anger to ruin your life, you will have recognized the need to overcome the tendency to let circumstances disrupt your environment. Indulging in anger means allowing negative emotions to influence your life because you are not fully conscious; that is, you have given up your choice to lifestyle that supports holistic wellness. 

Taking control: Seek help to move faster to self identified goal!

Being hands-on is a good principle of leaning; however you have to identify situations where expert help is necessary.  A prolonged struggle with one or several steps towards your identified goals could dampen you motivation or derail you completely.

What is self identified goal?

Your identified goal is a part of your vision. It entails a set of tasks that lead to what you want to achieve during your life.  It signifies a passion towards your life purpose and aligns to your given talents and spiritual gifts.  You may perceive this is a light yoke, in the sense that it wakes up in odd hours with clear and exciting insights that perfect what you need to do to reach the desired destination. You are never tired or stressed when you are engaged in tasks that lead to this type of goals. Actually, you experience fulfillment; joy and peace that energize you to affect others in a positive way.

How to handle self identified goals challenges!

While you may have a clear picture of your destination, you could experience challenges on how to get there.  For an example, I knew that I wanted to pass my degree with 80% plus, yet I realized that my average in accounting course was 50%. I had to find a coach, a lecturer in the Institute of Accounting Studies. I passed accounting course with credit for the first time; my total grade was a second class. In this era of high technology and increased level of knowledge, you are likely to experience some hurdles. Note the following common challenges that could require specialized assistance:

1.    Career plans: It could be that you did not access ideal counsel and discovered midway during your university program that you are not suited for the profession you are undertaking. Rather than ignore the situation, you may consider consulting a career counselor who could show you possibilities of linking what you are doing with that which you really want.  For example, if you are doing business administration and want to switch to medicines, do not despair; you have advantage because the skill will come handy when you run your own surgery.

2.   You feel lost or intimidated? Your vision is designed to fit what you have but always requires more than your capability because you need others to reach it.  Often when this truth is not yet revealed, you may feel lost, intimidated or discouraged.  Find a life coach who will help you to find your own answers. For an example, it could be that you are dealing with unidentified need. Spiritual needs are somewhat complex; find a spiritual coach. It is amazing how spiritual mankind is! A coach will not advise you, but will listen to you, ask you questions that will lead you to clear strategies required to get to your destination. Whatever you want or need is available. The good thing about the internet is that, help is a click away. The most important role a coach does is to assist you with information – resources and how to access them. A coach is a support you need; someone who will hold your hand and cheer every step of your achievement.

3.    Your goal is unattainable? Many resourceful people are affected by economic recession or political instability and find that they are not able to get started. This is true especially for aging people who did not have access to technology at school or workplace.  The starting point is to register for internet literacy. You need this skill which may enlarge your current job or open new opportunities.  It will definitely come handy when you retire and start your online business. It is worth hiring a coach to be able to identify and utilize your given talents.

Take control of your life! Evaluate your content; you will be amazed of how resourceful you are! Often you feel you have reached the end of your life when you retire; that is the statement of your ego. Find help and open new doors; there is always a chapter that needs to be written to complete the picture of your existence!