Taking control: Are you sure you do not suffer from low self-esteem?

Most people have suffered some form of uncertainty with regard to ability to make friends, fear to participate in sports and class and accepting body shape or height. We encourage you to evaluate if you still have low self esteem!

What is low self-esteem?

It is an irrational interpretation, caused by negative perception of messages from parents and significant others involved in socializing a child during the first eight years of life. The mind retains these negative feedbacks and archives them; manifesting as various defense mechanism against a perceived hostile world. A person suffering from low self-esteem is concerned about failure and will dwell on possible problems. It is a norm to over-analyze hurdles rather than focus on success. A person is not conscious of the inner strength nor able to access intrinsic motivation to think and act according to own perception.  In other words, the tendency is to look for ideal situation to get going when faced with challenging environment instead of acting on own faith to succeed with inadequate available resources.

The contributing factors and outcome of low self-esteem!

The major cause of low self-esteem is withholding affection, negative talk or actions when correcting behavior during socialization.  Corporal punishment is still practiced by some parents who have low parenting skills or are victims of physical and emotional abuse themselves.  A child needs unconditional love like other basic needs like food, security and shelter. Any deprivation will result in issues of self-esteem outlines as follows:

1.    Low self esteem in childhood: Manifest in cheating, bullying, defaulting in class, shy to participate in class which leads to becoming underachiever.

2.    Low self-esteem in adolescents and adulthood: A suffer is a loner and generally unhappy. Since a human being is a social being, low interaction with other children will result in poor communication skills, inability to make friends and becoming hostile. Unfriendly person tend to exude negative energy which disallow any form of relationship; thus isolating a suffer, and contributing to depression.

3.    Other relationships issues resulting from low self-esteem: The ideal scenario in making friends with others is compatibility in terms of both academic and economic levels unless is for mentorship. For an example, a university lecturer who dates a bus driver seeks continuity of unquestioned submission. It is a skewed relationship and it is loaded with possible emotional issues associated with manipulations.

How to overcome low-self esteem!

A person with high self-esteem focuses on self-development and maintains open mind to learn and utilize identified talents and spiritual gifts as follows:

1.    Objectively looks and analyzes behavior that is not proactive towards self development. Remember you cannot change what you have not identified as needing change.

2.    Identify your strengths -talents and spiritual gifts. A talent is a natural ability to easily learn and acquire identifiable skills depicted in Seven Intelligences: Visual – spatial, Bodily – kinesthetic, Musical, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal, Linguistic, and Logical – mathematical.  Spiritual gifts are supernatural abilities to undertake spiritual functions such as: word of wisdom, word of knowledge, faith, healings, working of miracles, prophecy, discerning of spirits, speaking in different tongues and interpretation of different tongues.

3.    Focus on developing identified talents and spiritual gifts. It is good to know your weakness so that you can identify triggers; but never dwell in this corner!

4.    Hire a life-coach to assist you to review your goals and strategies as well as how to access resources in order to achieve them.

5.    Unlearn habits that are counter-productive to your personal growth and acceleration of momentum to your identified goals. Learn to say ‘no’ to situations or persons who derail you from your goals or contribute to procrastination.

People who suffer from low self-esteem fear making mistakes which is often mistaken for a virtue because that could be perceived as upholding high standards.  The condition is treatable through counseling and coaching. The latter is a positive approach to empowerment because it seeks to teach a sufferer how to identify and utilize inner strengths.   

Taking control: Learn how to overcome anger and other negative emotions!

Negative emotion is a mental response to environment which does not tally with your beliefs and values systems instilled through the socialization process. All people have accumulated a varying degree of unpleasant experiences from words and actions used to teach or correct behavior.

Anger defined!

Anger is a learned physical and mental emotion accumulated throughout life, displaying a biological stimulation of the body to fight or run in preservation of self.  In its degree of severity, it could be subtle resentment, it could lead a person to raise the voice, pound the hand/fist on objects and physically attack the source or victim.

Contributing factors to anger and other negative emotions!

Anger is a common emotional baggage which could begin before conception, be experienced at conception, during pregnancy and throughout the foundational years of childhood and adult life. The following depicts the contributing factors to anger and other negative emotions:

1.    Before conception: Parenting occurs before conception. If the mother did not fully agree on starting a family because she was working towards a promotion to executive position, compliance would not rule out subtle resentment and anger for compromised personal goal; and that would affect a baby. It is said that the sperm would experience resistance when trying to penetrate the egg.

2.    Pregnancy and childhood: Anger and other negative emotion such as fear due to financial lack do affect the mother and the baby. Repressed anger is common and do find outlets later in adult life. In most cases it manifest through continual attempt to numb the pain through alcohol and other substances.

3.    Poor socialization: As indicated above, socialization starts before conception and requires continual empowerment of social, economic and spiritual knowledge and skills. The ideal approach of empowerment is allowing learning through self experiences with guidelines and not coercion or compliance by fear. Most parents transfer their own experiences of childhood and add some or any logic that may resemble purposeful impartation of knowledge and skills.  A child learns by watching parents and others; this implies that exposure to undesirable environment is harmful. Emotional abuse is common when parents lack knowledge on what it is, and its impact on the child’s self esteem. Most of us had to learn to regain our self-worth to be able to access job market, pursue career, engage in and manage relationships.

How to overcome anger and other emotions!

When you are aware of your anger triggers, you have the first key that will unlock the inner you and face the challenge through various anger management techniques.  You are on your way to reclaiming control of your life because you can only change what you have identified as undesirable.  The following techniques will assist you to not be controlled by your emotions:

1.    Abort negative thoughts: Anger is a manifestation of negative thoughts. The key is watching the quality of your thoughts. The Creators advise us to meditate on His Word – fix your thoughts on what is noble, pure, lovely and praise-worthy.  Choose to forgive immediately.

2.    Breath and count to ten: If you flip to the next stage – feeling anger brewing inside you, look at it and identify its color and watch it without judging. This shift of attention into your ability and intention to maintain peace and joy will immediately reduce the building up process. Remember you are not your mind and therefore can watch the scene as a separate being. This simple act of taking in fresh air though your nostrils will enable you to watch your anger without participating in it.   Watching it gives you power to reduce its velocity and will enable you to respond and not react to the incident.

3.    Engage in physical activity: If you have fitness equipment engage in exercises; if not find something to do like cleaning the floor, walls, cupboards. This will cause your body to produce happy hormones that will offset the fight or run hormones.

4.    Be conscious about the tense muscles and relax your shoulders while breathing deeply:  When anger sets in, your body prepares to fight or run. It pours in adrenalins into your system for increased strength.  The heart rate increases and other body functions are temporarily on hold because your brain has sent alert message for a crisis. Shift your thoughts by focusing on any picture that will neutralize this state. I normally sing or pray in the spirit and move away from the scene. Unmanaged ager will eventually result in the following health issues:

·        High blood pressure

·        Stroke

·        Coronary conditions

·        Digestive issues which may lead to cancer

·        Lowered immune system which leads to colds, flu and other health conditions.

If you sit and ask yourself if there is any reason to allow anger to ruin your life, you will have recognized the need to overcome the tendency to let circumstances disrupt your environment. Indulging in anger means allowing negative emotions to influence your life because you are not fully conscious; that is, you have given up your choice to lifestyle that supports holistic wellness. 

Taking control: Seek help to move faster to self identified goal!

Being hands-on is a good principle of leaning; however you have to identify situations where expert help is necessary.  A prolonged struggle with one or several steps towards your identified goals could dampen you motivation or derail you completely.

What is self identified goal?

Your identified goal is a part of your vision. It entails a set of tasks that lead to what you want to achieve during your life.  It signifies a passion towards your life purpose and aligns to your given talents and spiritual gifts.  You may perceive this is a light yoke, in the sense that it wakes up in odd hours with clear and exciting insights that perfect what you need to do to reach the desired destination. You are never tired or stressed when you are engaged in tasks that lead to this type of goals. Actually, you experience fulfillment; joy and peace that energize you to affect others in a positive way.

How to handle self identified goals challenges!

While you may have a clear picture of your destination, you could experience challenges on how to get there.  For an example, I knew that I wanted to pass my degree with 80% plus, yet I realized that my average in accounting course was 50%. I had to find a coach, a lecturer in the Institute of Accounting Studies. I passed accounting course with credit for the first time; my total grade was a second class. In this era of high technology and increased level of knowledge, you are likely to experience some hurdles. Note the following common challenges that could require specialized assistance:

1.    Career plans: It could be that you did not access ideal counsel and discovered midway during your university program that you are not suited for the profession you are undertaking. Rather than ignore the situation, you may consider consulting a career counselor who could show you possibilities of linking what you are doing with that which you really want.  For example, if you are doing business administration and want to switch to medicines, do not despair; you have advantage because the skill will come handy when you run your own surgery.

2.   You feel lost or intimidated? Your vision is designed to fit what you have but always requires more than your capability because you need others to reach it.  Often when this truth is not yet revealed, you may feel lost, intimidated or discouraged.  Find a life coach who will help you to find your own answers. For an example, it could be that you are dealing with unidentified need. Spiritual needs are somewhat complex; find a spiritual coach. It is amazing how spiritual mankind is! A coach will not advise you, but will listen to you, ask you questions that will lead you to clear strategies required to get to your destination. Whatever you want or need is available. The good thing about the internet is that, help is a click away. The most important role a coach does is to assist you with information – resources and how to access them. A coach is a support you need; someone who will hold your hand and cheer every step of your achievement.

3.    Your goal is unattainable? Many resourceful people are affected by economic recession or political instability and find that they are not able to get started. This is true especially for aging people who did not have access to technology at school or workplace.  The starting point is to register for internet literacy. You need this skill which may enlarge your current job or open new opportunities.  It will definitely come handy when you retire and start your online business. It is worth hiring a coach to be able to identify and utilize your given talents.

Take control of your life! Evaluate your content; you will be amazed of how resourceful you are! Often you feel you have reached the end of your life when you retire; that is the statement of your ego. Find help and open new doors; there is always a chapter that needs to be written to complete the picture of your existence!     

Taking control: What to look for in an ideal life partner!

The most daunting experience is interacting with people of opposite sex at adolescence stage.  Some overcome this fear while others get fixated and later in life face serious challenges. Finding a life mate therefore is something that needs clarity of the concept.

Attributes of an ideal life partner!

Finding a life partner is not frequenting public places for certain social groups; it is seeking who you are first so that you can have a clue what you are out to attract.  It makes sense therefore to understand the three types of love – brother and sister love, godly love for others and romantic love to attract your life partner. When you know who you are, which is feelings and consistent behavior pattern; you are aware of the blemishes you have and should address. When you understand the concept of positive and negative energy and know the scientific truth about being a co-creator of your life, you will not go out there to seek a better half. You being a complete being with positive energy will be positioning yourself to attract another whole person who resonates with who you are.  The first step therefore is to get prepared to attract that which you perceive as ideal because you must first become an ideal person.  The following attributes should be your signature that depicts you as an ideal person:

1.    Integrity: Is a social attribute that is characterized by honesty and self control over trivialities that reduce mankind to the lower species of the animal kingdom.  A life partner you are seeking is someone of high moral standards whose beauty is within and will defy the physical deterioration and fluctuating socio-economic conditions.

2.    Emotional intelligence: Is being aware and understanding of self – your emotions and having skill to manage them - commonly referred to as self control. We all have repressed negative emotions and we have learned to manage these to be able to interact with others; thus intentionally creating positive environment. If you are emotionally intelligent, you are able to interact and feel others joy and pain. You also have clear goals of prosperity and will be happy to support your life partner to attain his or hers.  Being emotionally intelligent denotes deep sense of spirituality which is a domain of wisdom.  Because mankind is a spiritual being, you connect spiritually before you consummate love physically.  It is of utmost importance to bring the subject of spirituality and personal goals early during courtship phase in order to discern any spiritual hindrances.  Sensitivity to others wellbeing denotes kindness and principled mind to choose calm and happiness in spite what life throws at you.  The point is, ideal self is emotionally connected to positive energy which automatically attracts positive people and circumstances to attract a similar partner.  Emotionally intelligent you experiences vulnerability and consciously reach out for emotional support because a life partner is someone whom you choose to open up completely and resist the urge to withhold your resourcefulness. Instead you regard his/her presence as a safe place to express inner hurts and fears; knowing that you will be ministered to accordingly.  

3.   Clear financial plans: Money is an important aspect of the future you seek; you cannot tip-toe around this subject. Asking an open question about future plans will highlight the level at which the prospective partner is.  Easy conversation about having a house, a car and career enlargement will show if the person seeks comfortable life. The absence of these plans could be a red flags of low ambition for optimum life.

We have attempted to provide a formula to get what you want by being what you want.  This approach says you are unlikely to prefer lower lifestyle because it would mean you are looking for somebody to outshine; which means you have low-esteem issues. A life partner you are seeking is a person of admirable social status who upholds what you value because he/she is ‘your partner’ and not a subordinate.  You will notice that I have not included physical features because they could be regarded as a bonus of the real product you are seeking.  

Taking control: Does your spiritual awareness have an impact on your wellbeing?

 The subject of spirituality is often avoided because it is complex and is expressed according to various cultures. You are a spirit being (because you are created in the likeness of God) with a soul (mind, will and emotions) living in a body.

Being aware of spiritual self!

Being spiritually aware denotes a higher alertness to a greater self that is supernaturally knowing and discerning of non-physical components of your environment. It is being sensitive to the self that is characterized by love compassion and forgiveness.  This is the core of humanity from which man was originally designed to live forever.  This brings us to the fact that relationships are important: You need unconditional love for your Creator first and your family and other people at large.  You need a special type of love to be attracted to your spouse. Since your spouse and other people are not perfect, you need to understand and practice unconditional love, and you can only do this successfully when you know and have experienced this connection with your Creator.  Being aware of your spirituality starts with a revelation that the Creator is Love who regards you compassionately by readily forgiving you more than you can count. According to the Creator, love does not remember offenses, does not envy, is not puffed up nor rude, it is not easily provoked nor entertain any evil. This denotes that without love you are and have nothing because you must truly do these to others to stay connected to Him.  On the other hand this is unattainable for your soul because its function is to process information and retain it for ease of reference.

Understanding spirituality in conjunction with the function of the soul and body!

Your soul is the powerful middleman and could either conform to the values of your spirit self or exclusively your physical self.  In other words your soul could listen to the prompting of the Spirit of the Creator and get manifested in actions that demonstrate love, compassion and forgiveness. Alternatively, your soul could serve your physical needs and wants as follows:

1.    Detachment - occurs when you withhold love. Unconditional love is a total acceptance of self and others; and can only be experienced from the spiritual perspective.  Your will to do good must overrule your hurting emotions which often seeks retaliation.

2.    Judgmental - occurs when you have no compassion for the weaknesses of others. It is a result of focusing on negative thoughts and overlooking the positive attributes; thus inflicting pain to others.  For example, accumulation of small offenses will result in resentment; which means you focus on mistakes and have closed your heart to see and experience values others have.

3.    Estrangement is a physical detachment wherein you walk away from conflict instead of addressing issues. The Creator advises us not to let the sun go down with our grief.  He goes further to say that if you are thinking or in the process of offering Him a sacrifice, you must stop and go to make peace with your brother for He will not accept your offering. Why? Because you would be selfish and totally lacking love and yet you would be seeking His positive response to your sacrificial offering.

Spiritual awareness helps you to remember why you have a will to choose good over evil. It is making a conscious decision to stay connected with your Creator and experience His attributes in you. At spiritual mode, you are more attuned to love, peace, joy and practicing self-control.  I encourage you to take control of your life by going deep into this subject and experience growth that will strengthen your relationship with your Creator. He is Love and the Giver of life; the holistic wellness you seek.