Taking control: How to evaluate your listening skill!

Listening is ability to hear with your ears and understand the meaning of each expressed word. It is hearing with your heart to discern the underlying feelings of the motivating factor behind each word, unsaid thoughts, and experiencing the totality of what the message encompasses.

Listening is the most underrated attribute of effective communication and learning; hence is not fully developed.  From infancy you learned your mother tongue and discern cultural norms behind words. As you grew up you tended to stop to encompass other relevant senses in communicating with others:

1.    Hearing with your ears: It is an ability to receive the wave length of transmitted message. When you have heard all words, you are able to apply non-physical mechanism to decode the message accurately; hence acquire knowledge when you relate such message with existing information.  This process will enable you to respond accordingly to the requirements of the message.

2.    Hearing with your heart: It is discerning the motivation behind the choice of each word which will elicit non-verbal response to the message.  For an example people hear or read one message differently hence will respond according to how they encoded the message.  This internal process triggers responses such as chills when the unsaid or expressed words are perceived negatively; or joy when such message carries positive energy. At this realm, hearing is assisted by other internal cognitive processes, which reveal the unsaid thoughts and are decoded through feelings.  

Listening is important to make decisions. King Solomon was able to judge a sensitive case of two mothers of male infants who were sleeping in one room. One mother had rolled over her child, thus killing it.  She replaced her child with the life one.  The mother of the life child pleaded her case that the dead child was not hers. The king brought the life child and the soldier with a sword to divide the life child. The real mother pleated that the child not be killed. That reaction enabled the King to know the real mother and judged accordingly.  Listening skills enables effective interaction and in similar cases, enforcement of justice.

It is through listening that we influence change.  Before the era of television, politicians and other social change agents communicated their ideas through radios and newspapers.  Likewise, you too are listening to me and establishing authenticity of the motivating factor behind the key message of starting over. In the context of taking control, listening denotes your rational hearing of what is it you need to change.  It refers to reviewing your actions and listening to your own heart or making choices whether you are equipped to find solution or you must seek professional assistance.

Listening enable us to be heard and to hear others.  You could be one of those who were denied opportunity to express your feelings in childhood and are therefore fixated in the area of not being able to connect with other people.  In my culture there is a saying that children may be seen and not heard.  It means raising children who are condemned to the world of silence; who would miraculously learn to live in the world of adults equipped to lead and influence others through communication. This is a paradox of socialization which I urge those who relate to this situation to shout from the mountain tops to advocate intensified efforts to learn to listen. 

Taking control: Love is the light that expels the darkness of negativity!

Taking control denotes claiming back your power and ability to perform and produce desired results.  The Giver of all that is, is Love.  He operates through love and your duty therefore is to know what the Creator’s love is, so that you can learn how to align your life to His and hence overcome your negativity.

Remember that your spirit never dies; it will leave your body at the point of death and go back to your Creator or to eternal destruction.  So the issue of knowing who you are is not a myth and you must give it your attention.  I will highlight how you can get started in preparing for your eternal life with your Creator.  He first demonstrated love by sending His Son as a Redeemer to buy you back into His household.  The questions you will have to answer therefore are: What did you do with my Son whom I send to release you? Did you accept Him as your Savior?

The explanation of love will enable you to understand the relevance of these questions.  It will reveal why the Creator says without faith in Him it is impossible to please Him. This will be the point of focus in forthcoming articles.  He laments on the ignorance of mankind regarding the purpose of life on planet earth.  In seeking enlightenment, I encourage you to open your heart because you cannot descent spiritual concepts with your mind.  Love is a key to your purpose in this life. Note the following attributes of love:

1.    Patience – denotes having general positive regard for others because we have different temperaments, which sometimes challenge our attempts to love unconditionally.

2.    Kindness – would not allow you to speak ill of others not ignore the need of those you can offer help. This includes both physical actions or sending kind thoughts and prayers to the unlovable people in your life.

3.    Love is devoid of envy – it means to be happy when others succeed before you.

4.    Love does not boast and is not proud – Let me explain this with regard to long-term relationships.  Couples boast about their contributions and effectively destroy their love and appreciation of their partner’s uniqueness.  Generally boasting is hurtful and says I am better than you!

5.    Love does not keep record of wrongs! This is the common of all relationships ills.  We step on the toes of those we love and they tend to remind us of the past wrongs.  This is the first challenge you have to learn to overcome in loving unconditionally because this is an emotional blackmail. Such an attitude says you hold the other person hostage; thus making life very uncomfortable. It is a form of controlling; the selfishness of mankind. It is amazing how we overlook this, yet your own Creator gave you freedom to love Him and willingly obey Him.

Loving others denotes you are ready and willing to protect them; you trust and uplift them when they encounter challenges. You encourage them to persevere and uphold their hope and show them that life is like a wheel - you experience both good and bad and learn accordingly.  The best part that applies to you and others is that, lover never fails! 

Taking control: Meditation is a key for success!

Meditation is a deliberate deep thinking and contemplation of the end result of the desired change.  It involves weighing up of the positive succession of planed activities towards the goal.  It is propelled by application of faith that is congruent to the positive mind energy.

Positive change comes through focusing on the desired goal all the time.  It is having the central thought that encapsulates the identified need and is kept alive by keeping it at conscious level.  It denotes the first thought when you wake up and the last when you dose and fall asleep.  From the spiritual point of view you need to align yourself with the guidelines provided by your Creator on how you must meditate:

1.    He has thoughts of good health and prosperity and wants your meditation to include Him because He is able to meet all your needs according to His riches.  Let me explain! The Creator has provided all that you will ever need to have good health, social and financial prosperity. Most of us struggle to access these because we do not know how to align our minds to that of the Creator and take appropriate actions to have what we want.

2.    Without the Creator you are like a tree that has fallen off, and soon dies.  If you understand that you indeed need Him because He gives you things you take for granted like breathing and provision of water and food, you will realize how real your Creator is.  You will also discern how able He is to coordinate and give you wisdom to achieve your goals.  He regards those who acknowledge His ability as being like trees that are planted along the river and therefore never withers.  It is indeed so! The earth was created to provide mankind’s needs and wants.

3.    Meditation requires positive attitude!  It is fueled by positive energy that is revealed by how you relate the Creator and other people.

4.    Meditation is effective when it is energized by your confidence that you are able to get what you want because the Creator has given you ability to create wealth. It is important to note that poverty is a curse and the Creator loves you more than you will ever imagine.  When you meditate about this, you will get a revelation of how much it is so!  

5.     Through meditation you will get a revelation of how your mess has become your ministry! Your mess is a wrong reaction to your situation which does not bring any positive change.  You ministry is a lesson you have learned out of your undesirable response to challenges.  You can only rectify bad situation with your positive actions hence conform to what the Creator wants. He says believers are those who minister to others with their actions. Such are the light and the salt of this world. For an example, if you are living with anger, you are outside the arena of favor from the Creator simply because He is Love.  It is His condition that when you meditate you must let go of negative energy so that you can align to His power to see good in others through Him; thus finding something to love in unlovable person who caused your anger.

Positive change only comes through surrendering any resistance by accepting what is. I am not saying you must give in to undesirable conditions because that is a negative attitude. I am referring to your conscious decision to acquire and embrace a lot of positive energy - love, faith hope and confidence – so that any challenges you meet will leave you with a balance. Meditation is ability to align the whole you – spirit, soul and body - with the Creator.  

Taking control: You can accelerate or sabotage your own goals!

The purpose of making goals is to channel your resources, daily thoughts and actions towards achieving your desire.  Goals help you to measure your fruitfulness within specified period.  They are fueled by your positive imagination and consistent momentum of planed activities.

How can you sabotage your own goals? The first and the most damaging factor is doubting your ability to undertake your own planned activities by asking other people for their opinions. The root cause of such action is the fear of failure, which is a form of low self-esteem.  The danger of any referral is that once any person point at another way of approaching your challenge, you will not be able to trust your own capability to reach your goal. Most importantly, the other person may water-down the most important and unique element of your goal.  Remember your goal points to your vision which is a spiritual matter between you and your Creator. 

The second common enemy is inconsistency which breaks the momentum and result in prolonged period of achievement.  Inconsistency is reducing the positive energy you need to keep the image of the finished goal alive hence maintaining your motivation to do planned activities with zeal.  Inconsistency denotes not being in full agreement with the whole of you – spirit soul and body. Let me explain! Your mind is part of your soul and together with your will, must work together with your spirit self to override issues of your physical self.  For an example, you mind must dictate to your feet to go to planned places and so that you can perform certain activities and not succumb to procrastination.

How do you accelerate your goals? You do so by believing that you are the only one who really knows what must happen and have unique skills and wisdom to achieve it.  You perfect your strategies by updating yourself as much as you would if you were undertaking a project at work or school and must note activities on order to brief your boss or supervisor on progress and challenges.  When you note down what you have achieved, you will also note bottlenecks and review the strategies accordingly.  Each time you make a correct move, you build your self-esteem and maintain your motivation to achieve the goal for your own personal growth.  Compare this satisfaction with the guilt of taking the glory for someone who had been dishing out guidelines. That would not allow you to grow and be confident to coach others.   

Be psychologically ready to get out of the box. For an example, you may need to meet other people you regard as higher than you to seek their stand through interviews in order to influence policy. Personal encounter in accelerating your own goal will add value to your character and your profile.  It will have a positive impact on how you view the world and your part in it.  When you flip, get up and keep moving! Never second guess your inner voice nor succumb to fear that could result in you altering the image of your finished goal! 

Taking control: Learn dynamics of relationships!

A relationship is a product of an interaction with one or more persons, or with living and non-living things.  A relationship is dynamic because it could bring positive or negative emotions.  Active components of an ideal relationship are communication, love, respect, trust and sharing time and other resources together.

Discussion of this subject is in the context of adults preparing to tie the knot. Relationships are challenging to humans perhaps because we do not understand love according to the Creator’s definition.  It is a common phenomenon to draw a private specification of the attributes of the future partner.   Most descriptions cover physical make-up therefore it becomes easy to pay less attention to other equally important factors.  Marriage is ten percent physical love attraction and ninety percent results of your decision and ability of leaning to live together with a total stranger. Consider the following pointers:

1.    Is this person given/assigned to be your mate?  Only those who are active believers are cultured to make this a priority and to seek spiritual assistance from spiritual leaders.

2.    Have you fallen in love or in lust? You need to know the difference.

3.    How do you view yourself? Are you emotionally ready to share all your life with another person? If you are dealing with emotional issues, it is best to address them before you tie the knot. An ideal situation is one where two emotionally stable individuals bring mutual clear intentions to the bond of marriage.    

4.    Do you bring partial self that seek your ‘real’ agenda? This pertains to the following:

a)   Getting married to escape unhappy home or to spite your parents.

b)   To fit in because your friends got married and you feel left-out.

c)    You fear your parents who have been in the same predicament as you about the meaning of marriage.  Such parents pressure their children in unsuitable marriage for their benefit.  The common benefit in African culture is wealth in a case of a girl.  Sometimes due to lack of appropriate parenting skill, parents are afraid that their daughter in this era of liberal moral standards will likely get pregnant and damage their good name.

5.    Do you really understand contract relationship in the context of the Creator’s definition? This is a subject that is taught through counseling sessions for the minimum period of six months in order that young couples could make informed decision when they swear that they will love and honor each other until death separates them.

If you have been experiencing negative emotions at any point in your relationship, check your readiness to share your life in an intimate relationship! It could be that your ego (underlying motivation of the mind) is playing you. Watch out for your true motives! Remember that true love demands no conditions for the other party to change who they are because that is not possible nor is a positive approach to a long-term relationship.  True love should be void of conditions that seek to satisfy one party. Ideal relationship must operate on good communication, unconditional love, respect, trust and dedication to sharing time and the whole of you to the each other. So; are you ready for the contract relationship?

Taking control: What to do when you feel negativity arise in you!

Negativity is an inner resistance manifesting in various forms of feelings as a mental reaction to the environment.  It is a foreign destructive energy which enters your inner space and do not conform to your true make-up as a spiritual being.

You will understand negativity better by first acknowledging that you are a spiritual being that has been, because you are part of the Creator who has been and is timeless and will not cease to be.   Secondly, that your material body is time bound and therefore destructible. Thirdly, that all pain could be blocked and neutralized and rendered non-effective. When you are aware of your power to live in peace because you have decided to fill your inner space with love, you will indeed know that the true you is a light and cannot co-exist with darkness.

When you feel negativity (irritation, impatience, depressed mood, resentment, judgment, grief, anger etc.) rising in you, learn to do the following in order to disarm or block it:

1.    Note the negative feeling and watch it without thinking about it. Thinking about the negative feeling will fuel it and strengthen it.  You succumb to negativity when you allow the mind to react to situations hence contribute to unconsciousness (absence of awareness of self). The function of the mind is to think and help you to make right choices and decisions.  When the mind engages in negative thoughts, it becomes your enemy and therefore must be stopped.  The rationale for watching your feelings is to empty the negative energy by deciding not to allow dirt in your inner space.  This will immediately weaken the negative emotion. You would have succeeded to overcome evil with good.

2.    Alternatively, you can drop a negative reaction by imagining yourself as transparent to the external negative factors.  See anything undesirable as going through you as it would if you are a hologram.  You can do this by applying compassion to all people and the negative situations they create.  It is similar to the philosophy that when you are driving, you must regard all drivers as reckless in order to be able to stay alert and ready to avoid accidents.  The rationale is to value your peace so much that you will not allow your ego to give any attention to negativity. You see, when you respond to negativity you are giving it your attention; which actually implies that it is important. If you allow yourself to engage in negative emotions, you nullify the positive energy within you and actually defile your inner space.  The question for anybody watching the scene is; are you different from a mad person who has lost control and the sense of reality? Reality exists in your consciousness; this is why you must hold onto it to retain your power.

You can succeed to take decisive steps into spiritual enlightenment when you know the truth because it will make you free.  The truth is that love should be your motivating factor, which douses any negativity wherever you are.  It is the only way in which you can be the light of this world and the salt that is able to spice any dull situation hence bring joy and peace in others.   

Taking control: Forgiving others demonstrates personal growth!

Forgiveness is ability to observe and seek goodness in others.  It is a deep desire to offer and operate in love and overlook other people’s mistakes.  It is a higher notch of self control in which you seek harmony in people you interact with.

Forgiveness is one of the key principles of spiritual enlightenment without which you cannot attain the full measure of attributes of love. Love is mandatory for all humanity because it is the main ingredient of our make-up.  It is a positive regard of others without conditions.  This then explain why forgiveness is a key to your emotional health and condition upon which your spiritual growth thrives. 

When you do not let go of offenses it means you live in the past and therefore have chosen to live in bondage of negative energy.  Any normal person would prefer to be in control of thoughts that promote life and general wellness because love, joy, peace do exactly that. Negative thoughts and resulting negative emotions bring death because carriers end up with physical illnesses that include terminal diseases like cancer.   Forgiveness is a decision to view and assess offenses as low state of consciousness on the part of offender.  For you to demonstrate self-control and rise above offense means your ability to stay present and look at offense from the point view of compassion.

Forgiving others means regaining your power to maintain healthy inner space.  It is a liberating experience that brings calm and immediate joy. It reveals and confirms that you can only control you and not others.  Because it is a spiritual mandatory principle, it empowers you to stay connected with your Creator who said you must forgive your brother before you seek Him.  He said this to demonstrate that you simply cannot live with others without offending them one way or the other. When you surrender to imperfection of humanity, you allow yourself to have accumulated abundance of love which will override any evil and therefore leave you with some balance of love every time. 

The guiding principle in learning to forgive others is the fact that you learned from a lot of mistakes before you reach the place where you can overlook offense because success is the result of many failures.  Any person who offends you therefore is still learning and you can be a role-model and let your positive attitude win or succumb to unconsciousness and remain in a compromising position where both spiritual and physical death is imminent.  Your Creator is Life and forgives you for every offense. The enemy is the spirit of death that encourages you to remember year, day and hours when somebody offended you. The enemy whom you allowed to live inside of you will play this tape in your mind which will build up hate, and the host of negative emotions, until you die from broken heart.

Forgiveness demonstrates higher level of consciousness which is ideal personal growth.  It ushers you into self-control which is a fruit of the spirit; a real you! Everything starts with awareness, desire and then decision to maintain constant actions to stay on course.  This is what personal growth is all about!