Taking control: The present versus the ideal self!

The task of building self is your responsibility which you cannot leave to others who contributed to your socialization. Taking control of your life denotes a decisive stepping out of undesirable learned behavior and continuously replacing them with beneficial ideal ones that builds towards your ideal future.

The Present Self:

The present self is the result of parents’ design which conforms to the culture, their biological traits, social and spiritual values and beliefs.  If you sincerely regard yourself as well bred and fitting what you perceive as ideal human being to be copied as a blue print of humanity, you are very lucky indeed and we commend the designers of the master piece.  Most of us have identified behavioral traits we dislike about ourselves.  Should we judge the parents and others who socialize us? No! Remember, they too are the products of the families and the environment they were born and raised into.

Ideal Self:

The ideal self is the edited version of you which has uprooted the socialization blemishes. Socialization blemishes includes less ideal things you were taught by your parents, uncles, community, schools, churches and other social institutions that influenced how you think and carry yourself privately and publicly.  It is for this reason relationships challenge most of us.  It is because you regard yourself as well bred kind of a person and judge any behavior that do not fit in your world.  Let us consider the following perceptions:

1.           I am obedient. While being obedient is a virtue, it could also mean your parents raised you to be a robot. It could mean that you were never allowed to be part of discussion, but have received commands and rules with no room for your comments. In that scenario, what type of parenting are you capable of executing to raise your own child who would be a leader in his/her profession?

Another version of obedience is a result of fear and fixation.  When parents conduct a family as a military barracks, a child learns obedience from negative response and not a positive influence of love.  When you grew up under such forceful environment, you are likely not to know the difference between guiding and controlling behavior.

2.           I view my wife as a partner whom I love unconditionally.  You validated this view because you experienced parents who discussed family plans and challenges; and reached compromises that were not skewed. Alternatively you have internalized what an ideal marriage should be and designed your version that would build self-worth in your children.  It is a joint exercise out of which only agreed principles will apply in your household. Loving your spouse unconditionally is an ideal attitude because you can only control you and nobody else.  Expecting your spouse to do your will is the source of the conflict.  To avoid this it is ideal to agree on rules that will be operational; hence binding to all family members.

It is a reasonable expectation that ideal parenting could yield a new disciplined generation.  I commend those who are in the discipline of shaping behavior to continue to advocate for behavioral change communication strategies that seek to empower parents to adopt positive approach to parenting.