Taking control: How to overcome emotional pain and move on!

Learn how to heal emotional pain....!!!

Pain is any feeling or experience that is devoid of joy, happiness, pleasure and gratitude. All these emotions are byproduct of love. Pain is lack of love. It is barrenness, feeling of stagnation and general non-growth.

The underlying cause of emotional pain!

Pain is subjective because it depends on the individual experiences or level of maturity. From spiritual enlightenment point of view it is non-growth and or unfulfilled needs of love. 

  

Contributing factors for emotional pain!

There are physical and emotional pains. Physical pain is the result of injurious experience to the physical body while the scope of emotional pain is wide and varies according to:

1.   Personal values: Are parameters, which guide moral and spiritual direction. If you have been raised in a family where swearing is forbidden and you get a job where swearing is a norm, you will experience a profound emotional discomfort in such an environment.

2.   Unmet Expectations: From childhood, we experienced pain when promises are not met. In romantic relationships, expectations could make or break even the seemingly strong emotion of affection. Often new lovers expect a lot of attention from each other and when this does not match the level of expectation, the other party perceive that as not committing to the relationship and often that leads to breakup.

3.   Emotional needs: Some people are victims of neglect as children and had developed deep fear of losing loved ones. Such partners are clingy and require more than normal attention which could be regarded as childish and a turn-off to the other party over a period.

4.   Social needs: Most people have limited access to resources and this contributes to significant emotional pain of lack. This could be a result of peer pressure or societal norms wherein expected social roles are not congruent to personal values and or expectations.

How to overcome and maintain non-pain life!

Pain is familiar to mankind and differs in severity and or definition in various social classes; therefore all people experience varying degree of pain.  In principle people handle life challenges depending on whether a person draws strength from within or outside as follows:  

Pain free life supports freedom to love...!

1.   Identify emotional blemishes: Understand self first in order to know how you perceive your world; this will enable you to address and remove most of the identifiable socialization clutters.

2.   Develop sustainable joy: This is a process of spiritual enlightenment wherein a person seeks internal strength to identify clutters, rebuild and shape desired behavior and establish own values from the rebirth of self. 

3.   Develop your spirituality: Man is a spiritual being with a soul, living in a body. Often our most pressing needs are social; the ego needing attention.  

4.   Understand the cardinal law of cause and effect: Life follows us. This means whatever we experience in life is the result of our own thoughts, feelings, words and actions. The law of love governs and supports our ideal life experiences. Absence of love results in the emptiness that motivates a person to seek gratification from others. When we do not gratify this need, we aggravate the situation by focusing on the problem which attracting and developing more lack of love; leading to more emotional pain.

5.   The power of now: A person can only love effectively when the point of focus is giving love and not expecting love. Unmet expectations contribute to disappointments, anxiety and resentment.

6.   Various form of healing techniques: Help is available to let go emotional pain and enjoy your life.

Ideally we have to accept who we are and take responsibility to consciously remove any undesirable negative energy because we can become whatever we desire when we purposely concentrate on what we can be and want now.  Referring to the past to solve emotional pain is unprofitable. From the view point of positive thinking, every cloud has a silver lining. It is learning to adopt teachable attitude from all situations.

Taking Control: How to cut-loose shyness in intimate relationship!

Every child is born free and embracing life until someone dish out  mixed
messages about good manners....!

Every infant is born a free being and a potential genius - confident, happy and capable of learning anything. This means that shyness or any limitations are learnt behavior following unpleasant experiences. Most people developed emotional blemishes that led to shyness from childhood socialization.

Shyness defined!

A shy person is one who fears to make mistakes; one who doubts own capability to perform tasks unaided. The underlying factor is a negative thinking wherein fear supersedes motivation to be proactive and creative. Shyness is avoiding accountability for individual thoughts, words and actions; preferring those dictated by other people.

Impact of shyness in intimate relationships!

Shy persons are unable to make decisions because they fear risks and accountability. We all know that intimate relationship develops from trusting own instincts and strengths to overcome whatever is unknown about the other person. In other words, when deciding to allow another person in your life, you took a risk of thinking outside the box; consciously allowing and accepting change to occur. The impact of shyness in intimate relationship includes the following:

1.   Skewed relationship: One way communication contributes to unfulfilling relationship because in principle, it takes two people to contributes ideas, discuss and to create new and strong foundation of an intimate relationship. A shy person lacks helpful contribution in relationships.

2.   Encourage abusive behavior: A shy person is a potential victim of controlling or abusive relationships because he or she fears to trust own intuition and would compromise or allow unfavorable conditions to prevail.

3.   Low level of growth: A shy person avoid accountability therefore does not learns from own mistakes. Mistakes are stepping stones that lead to new and empowering knowledge and experiences. Many important discoveries are the results of continuing studies to refine the existing mistakes of innovative ideas. You learn better each time you make wrong decision because you rethink and research more to improve the existing thought and strategies.

How to overcome shyness in an intimate relationship!

Shy persons make lonely partners. Please help! 

A learnt behavior like shyness can be unlearnt. In intimate relationship, the catalyst for desired behavior is love and trust. Love is known to remove 

childhood blemishes including shyness. Why? Because love is a positive energy and shyness is a byproduct of fear. The continual embracing of a negative energy renders a person unproductive. Whenever a positive energy comes into a scene, it neutralizes and nullifies the negativity and ignites a childhood freedom from any fear because of the following principles:

1.   The attributes of the natural law of love: In principle, love and fear cannot occupy one space. Positive energy is far more powerful than a negative one.

2.    Love liberates: A shy person who is encouraged to love will let go fear naturally. The partner who has this revelation could tap into the innermost feelings and remove all types of fear of her or his partner as follows:

a)  Take baby steps in building confidence: Do house chores together first and then withdraw slowly so that the shy partner could develop confidence which will ignite self-expression through thoughts, words and actions.

b)  Engage in playful ‘surprise games’: Shy persons are mostly not present (meaning not fully conscious of all senses); it is therefore important to teach them to be fully alert of all senses and most importantly, the feelings. A shy partner is likely to be liberated and expressive if encouraged to participate in less serious and playful scenes wherein he or she could guess what is appealing to his or her partner. Give glues that will enable a shy person to feel less intimidated. That behavior will eliminate the fear of making mistakes and build confidence.

Taking control of your life is making efforts to remove hurdles by reaching from within, to access the given personal strengths. It is remembering that as a child you were fearless, eager to learn and happy being. Since most of us are products of other people’s (care-givers) emotional blemishes, we developed various defense mechanisms which further complicate relationships. In essence there is smaller number of ‘normal’ people. To have baggage-free emotional intimate partners, we have to clean up socialization issues through love and trust which are proven catalysts that change behavior for optimal intimate relationships. 

Taking control: Are you stuck in a cold marriage?

There is a lot of space which shout how bored you are ....
but you can heal the cold marriage!

Marriage is a divine union of male and female created to legitimize the children so that they may be socialized into spiritually and socially regulated environment. Love is therefore a given catalyst that enables individual persons to select each other to perform these functions.

Cold marriage defined!

Cold marriage denotes lack of emotional intimacy wherein the couple leaves a lot of safe emotional gap because trust was never developed or was broken. In intimate relationship trust is a complete openness of personal thoughts, feelings, aspirations and limitations; disclosed unashamed to each other. This disclosure heals the childhood socialization anchors and creates a fresh foundation to experience a healthy strong relationship.

Contributors of a cold marriage!

Cold marriage often is a result of short-cuts when dating. Ideal dating has twelve steps which are meant to allow the couple to slowly develop intimacy.  This approach allows each party to know each other before engaging in physical intimacy which often hurts when later one or both parties discover things they cannot compromise about. This is not the case in Christian dating wherein physical intimacy is not allowed at all. Missing links in intimacy and trust includes the following:

1.    Lack of accurate information: Some people are ashamed of their family background and omit unpleasant but vital information that could enable the other party to understand some or most of the habits or personal blemishes. Most of us come from dysfunctional families and while it is not comfortable to disclose such information, it is important to allow the other party to commit to you knowing that there could be psychological issues to work on.  

2.    Psychological issues: They include personal attributes which you may not know their cause but you are aware they contribute to most of your failures. These socialization anchors are important to disclose so that the other party may provide necessary support.

3.    Poor communication: Married couple is referred to as being one. Poor communication is characterized by leaving words or ideas that matters. For an example, if you do not tell your partner how you really feel when he or she says intimate stuff, or dressed in a certain way, then you are not intimate with him or her. You still have no clue of what makes her or him tick. Poor communication will not allow you to be vulnerable. Often that space would require satisfaction by form of a love affair.

Breaking the ice of cold marriage!

Do not let ego ruin your marriage....simply
let go and allow yourself to trust someone! 

Breaking the ice means both partners must create a day in which they would come clean about committing to the relationship. This must be a special day wherein you could include the following steps to break the ice:

1.    Private space: This excludes the restaurant. You may take a trip away from home and in the privacy of your hotel room, pour yourselves out; leaving nothing. If you feel challenged, write your issues and exchange the notes. Allow each one to read and ask questions. Allow whatever emotion that would surface to come unedited. This is learning to be vulnerable! Express your love and compassion to lead you in whatever direction. End this session by burning the expressed issues and express your commitment to each other from that point.

2.    Walk the talk: Act your reminders. This means you know when your partner wants to say something and the old anchors wants to rear their ugly face to stop that vulnerability. Just embrace and encourage love to break that barrier of communicating whatever is bothering him or her. This way you are allowing love to break any fear or and shame. Allow love to be a consuming fire that burns the bridges of the past to usher you into the future of bliss!

Taking control of your life is swimming up the stream to find your joy. Relationship challenges even the strong and brave person to flinch and hide and lead unfulfilled or be tempted to find strangers to fulfill their inner most needs. Let your man or woman be your closest friend and together explore yourselves until you know that you would not want to start that kind of journey with anyone else. Let love do everything for you; including opening the doors of joy for you and make your marriage a haven and place of unrestricted joy.

Taking control: How to monitor your starting over goals!

Are you at cross-roads? It is time to think about your
 deep needs for happiness?

Starting-over goal is a clear statement of purpose which requires coordination of tasks and resources towards its achievement. Often goals are slowed down or derailed by internal and or external factors. It is therefore prudent to closely monitor tasks and the level of motivation to maintain desired progress.

The rationale for starting-over goals!

Starting over goals attempt to correct the failed previous ones.  Most people create new goals at the beginning of the year or anytime they encounter failed relationships, death of significant ones, or disability due to accidents or a failed project. Others may originate from evaluation of current ones which may require reinforcement following enlargement of the operational scope. The aim of creating starting over goal is to consciously let go the failed one and purposely redirect the whole resources to a new assignment.

Underlying reasons for evaluation of the stating-over goals!

Evaluation of the starting over goals denotes close monitoring and assessment of success factors and smooth upward mobility towards the target.  Life is dynamic and every situation either supports or creates hurdles for the established goals. For instance, it could be that a divorcee is all charged up and eager to let go of the painful separation and divorce and wants to qualify for a promotion for higher position. Distraction, even if is it is not negative, could derail self-empowerment goal. It is therefore important to reach within self and consider the inner environment as follows:

1.   Impact of change: Asking yourself questions always force you to be objective in evaluating your commitment to the established need. For an example, is your goal still the priority? The reason for such a question is to establish if the motivation for a particular goal is still relevant and require investment of all your resources.   

2.   Painful incidents: Often painful incidentals could force you to shift the

Your attitude in deciding to start-over
 will determine your altitude

focus elsewhere. When something like death of the loved ones occurs, it could derail some of your plans and divert resources to that tragedy. It is wise to respond to incidents and not react. The latter always create gaps which derail goals.

3.   Discipline in daily monitoring of progress: Set a specific time to monitor progress and success on daily sub-tasks. The ideal time for me is in the evening in order that I can go to sleep with clear schedule for the following day. It also sends me to sleep with a good emotion.

4.   Quantify progress: Quantifiable tasks help you to see the momentum towards the goal. For an example, if I want to learn general transcription, it is helpful to clarify the current position – to improve my typing speed from forty words per minute to fifty in two months. This I can measure and increase the scope of subtasks towards this goal.

Setting starting-over goals is the most positive way of letting go the previous and current painful experience and move forward. Short and long-term starting-over goals are affected by daily incidents and it is important to not lose sight of the target date by allowing procrastination. It is ideal to have a close friend or a professional life coach to assist you make start-over goals to avoid common traps like setting goals that are purely motivated by emotional reaction to painful experiences. Discipline plays an important role in ensuring that established tasks are done and recorded. This will not only keep desired momentum, but will empower you to change how you make decisions and manage all your resources effectively. 

Taking control: 3 steps to explore in new romantic relationships!

A new romantic relationship is a journey of discovery of true self
 and of the other person....!

New romantic relationships are challenging and often cause significant anxiety to both partners. The process of getting to know each other has a lot of unspoken expectations. Both parties tend to project their best behavior and reservations pertaining to disclosure to personal information.

Risk factors in new relationships!

The risk factor is the cause for anxiety in new intimate relationship. The common one is an uncertainty in the ability to determine how to handle the pace of intimacy without sending mixed signals regarding the level of interest and intention to commit to the natural development of relationship in the early dating phase.  From the female point of view, it is important not to lead a new relationship into a level of investing too much within a short period; this is normally uncomfortable situation with most ladies.  In this era of cutting corners men are always in a hurry to get to the physical intimacy before emotional one. This is a scary part because there are people who are not interested in commitment but seek fun while it lasts.

3 steps to explore in new romantic relationships!

Some romantic relationships develop over a period of knowing a person and establishing trust. Sometimes the relationship is a reaction of explosive passionate attraction wherein the two parties are drawn by this natural force between themselves and work backward in developing trust. We pick three steps as critical in enhancing a romantic relationship momentum to other levels of intimacy:

Letting love work its miracle of transformation
is allowing another person
to be free to love you as is....! 

1.   Communication: There can be no relationship without mutual bond of interest leading to the development of love; which in itself is the form of communication. The challenge starts with expectation of what to communicate and the anxiety of being careful or overzealous in expressing such expectations. For an example, new relationships are characterized by over-communication of feelings; this is the necessary strong bond which maintains the level of attraction to bond the couple to be able to disclose personal needs and expectations. Most ladies get discouraged if communication is less than expected. Men on the other hand may feel they must restrain their need to call or text several times a day for fear of ruining the relationship. The best approach is being genuinely natural!

2.   Personal attributes: The careful selection of words when communicating during the initial phase of romantic relationship delays the getting-to-know-each other phase significantly. Both parties may fake certain behaviors, which consequently do not reveal the natural ones. The likes and dislikes of certain personal attributes are affirmed or disproved over a period and often violate hard-earned trust. If you are looking for someone you can change, reverse that thought to whether you would want anyone to change your values!

3.   Personal values: When dating people first meet, they pick on certain cues which inform them of other habits. Sometimes such discovery could reinforce the interest or lower the passion to pursue the relationship. For an example, one lady from township was highly excited to be asked on a date by middle class executive who drove a new Benz car. They ordered the T-bone at the expensive restaurant and started eating. The gentleman struggles with the knife until he put it aside and used his hands. To the lady’s dismay he licked all five fingers and seems to be at ease with that behavior. The lady was shocked and could not wait to get out of the restaurant!  She felt embarrassed and was clear that she cannot pursue a relationship with that man. Values are important because they set parameters within which to interact with self and others.

Taking control is a conscious decision to be proactive in designing your life and packaging your lifestyle to be satisfying. The challenge comes in finding someone to share your ideal life with. This is where most of us attempt to compromise, only to live a miserable or develop resentment towards a partner. It is ideal to sell genuine self because you are also looking for a genuine person to share your life with! The truth will always set you free!   

 

Taking control: How to maintain trendy lifestyle in marriage!

Dress for him.....dress for her....!

Trendy lifestyle is often ignored; yet it is an important factor in maintaining the desirable positive energy in marriage. Tying the knot does not mean the couple can then throw away trendy grooming and intimate fun-times and communication away. The latter informs their mutual desire to keep the fire of love burning into their old age.

Trendy lifestyle defined!

In this context trendy lifestyle denotes maintaining that which the couple used to be to each other before they got married. Couples tend to lose interest in each other because their lifestyle changes after tying the knot. This punches holes in their romantic relationship by changing their attention for fashionable dress code, entertainment, planning the private time and toning down intimate communication.

How to maintain trendy lifestyle in marriage!

Treat your marriage like a garden! It will look beautiful and gives you pleasant feelings because you worked on it. Here is how you can maintain a trendy lifestyle:

1.   Grooming: Ladies! Please remember that generally men like beautiful well groomed ladies.  Do not compromise when it comes to:

a)   Maintaining your fitness: Find out which exercises will keep your body firm. This includes food supplement like calcium, Vitamin C and Omega 3.

b)   Routine dental check-up. Do not chase him away with foul breath.

c)    Buy acceptable fashionable clothes: This means you go shopping together.

Doing your activities together
 will keep you together!

2.    Maintain Healthy communication: Communicate your plans so that you can converge your activities. Doing things together will keep you together:

a)   Verbal communication: Ladies! Express your appreciation of your spouse whenever he does dishes, do laundry or polish your shoes! Words are creative and this is why couples are advised to say something positive to each other the first thing when you wake up or meet after a daily temporary absence from each other. Romantic words can keep both of you excited throughout the day and motivate you to plan a great evening!

b)   Non-verbal communication: It is wise to read non-verbal cues which may indicates that your spouse is a little moody. Give him or her some space! It could be that he or she is planning how to tell you something serious or important!

3.   Code of conduct: Make your spouse a priority! This means that she or he comes first when you make decisions that affect your life and resources:

a)   Plan your entertainment together. Eating out sparks some romance because both can leave house chores and pay attention to each other.

b)   Celebrate each other: Establish a tradition of exchanging gifts for birthdays and wedding anniversaries – parents and yours.

c)    Address each other respectfully though intimately.

d)   Marriage is an institution of secrecy! This means private information and actions must remain so! Never discuss your spouse with your friends!

e)   Keep romance alive! Remember marriage require your conscious attention to keep it alive in all respects.

Marriage is meant to be a secure partnership of romantic relationship. Whenever one spouse gets bored and starts becoming unfaithful, it means one or both have stopped working on it to keep the romantic fire burning as the relationship matures. The common mistake is to stop exploring each partner’s changing needs. Nothing stays the same, and so is managing a romantic relationship! Ladies tend to lower their trendy dress code and entertainment; thus contribute in punching holes by stopping to exude romantic vibrations. Only life fish swims up the stream! Couples must therefore continually work on keeping the romantic fire burning!  

Taking control: The benefits of identifying pointers of real love!

Do not cut corners when it comes to developing trust, it is mandatory!

Real love is experienced through all sensual ports and is a process of getting to know the other person and developing trust towards verbal and physical intimacy. It requires personal and intentional self-empowerment in weeding-out anything that is not genuine with a purpose to offer unreserved love.

Empowerment on various types of love

Knowledge is power and limits serious omissions or confusion when it comes to identifying pointers of real love. Nature tends to direct us towards this phenomenon of desiring to love someone other than family members and colleagues and endowed us with this intense attraction towards a stranger.  While this is true for normal persons, it is confusing in those who were sexually abused. Studies indicate that they tend to not know how to handle affection from non-sexual love; they manipulate it to lead to sexual relationship. Self-empowerment is intentionally seeking information and developing skills that can enable a person to make informed decisions. It is responding to burning questions about personal needs and reconfiguring oneself against previous incorrect information, cultural traits and general misinformation.

Pointers of real love!

It is important to understand that love is design towards choosing a life mate. Real love is therefore explain in this context and denotes making conscious decisions to find compatible person whom you will partner with, reach your goals together and enjoy life in general.

If you studied other areas of interest,
 include learning about true love...!

1.    Qualify to be a competent love partner: Love is more than a physical attraction; it is becoming worthy for anyone to want to spent lifetime with. Ideal partner should be intellectually resourceful and emotionally whole with a clear plan about his or her life. Anyone without personal plans could be looking for a rescuer from a life of confusion, social and emotional issues.

2.    Establish personal boundaries: Remember there are people out there who are likely to treat you like an animal! Because they have not empowered themselves, they are likely to cut corners when dating and violate your dating principles and values.

3.    Communication: The dating process is about learning who and what the person you are attracted to is, their plans and establishing whether your own plans will not conflict. It is designing a future through open and complete honesty on key issues that include:

a)   Spiritual beliefs: Do not be unequally yoked. You are a spiritual being and you cannot afford to ignore this aspect of a personal life.

b)   Values, convictions and interests: Long-term relationship requires creating a fun environment. Omission of these important factors could lead to unfulfilled social and psychological needs.

c)   Social roles expectations: Remember you come from different background and it could be that you have been socialized to belief that a woman is expected to focus on making a husband happy by total submitting to his needs in exclusion to yours.

d)   Communication intimacy: If you have not arrived at a stage wherein both have developed unreserved openness and willful disclosure of personal information, you have to know that you cannot hope to arrive at that destination after you have engaged in a physical intimacy. It may not happen in the future; and soon you will realize that you are lonely because you cannot be truly free to discuss your deep personal needs.

4.    Take responsibility about your life: You have control over your upward mobility. You are responsible for your financial success and therefore choosing your career and pursuing it is mandatory.

Irrational justification of non-action is a clear pointer of whether you are growing or not. If anyone attempts to persuade you to put your personal plans on hold, you need to ask yourself whether that resembles love!

Benefits of identifying and evaluating your content with regard to empowering yourself on sexuality life skills and reconfiguring yourself to be a worthy candidate for romantic relationship is to make informed decisions. Romantic relationships challenge even the most intellectually equipped people; so, it is clear that it is not a cognitive matter only.  You have to experience true love with all your sensual ports. Do not ignore the warning voice within when you feel something is not right with a prospective partner. You are designed and built with this mechanism to assist you to truly have control over your life!