Create-a-new life!

Monday, 25 April 2016

Taking control: Complexity of the impact of childhood trauma!


Every negative experience contributes
 to behaviour and habits.....
Childhood trauma could be any incident that you experienced and probably you are not aware of but is contributing to your undesirable behavior, habits, and unexplainable illness and relationships issues.  The purpose of this article is to highlight these so that you can do your own further research.
 
Common traumas affecting emotional, social and physical health
Mothers and caregivers commit long-term emotional offenses during the first eight year of the children’s formative years which are stored in the subconscious mind, yet contribute to insecurity and other emotional issues. The difference between stress and emotional trauma is the intensity of the same emotions that apply to both. How quickly a person gets upset, the frequency and intensity, and the period it takes to calm down. The following are the contributors of emotional trauma:
1.   Separation from primary caregiver: The first thing a new-born child does is to adapt to the environment in which it is born; all sounds and the voices of other members of the family. Removing a child from familiar environment causes anxiety. We have to remember that a child is a full person with little experience. This means children absorb all energies through all senses plus feelings and thoughts.   
2.   Low level of parenting: This refers to lack of knowledge of the caregiver to provide necessary comfort such as changing nappies and adherence to feeding schedule and bath-times. A child develops a trust from these simple expectations. For an example, normally children enjoy bath-time and that coupled with soothing talk provides an atmosphere for bonding with the mother or caregivers.
3.   Physical harm: The body remembers everything that happens to it hence development of unexplained fear of heights, animals or any other responses which a person may not recall but clearly indicates evidence of pain and or fearful experience.
4.   Exposure to unpleasant environment: This refers to harsh exchange of words, fights, horror movies and withdrawn resources. Most parents are not aware that the sound effects are meant to bring specific responses. For an example, horror movies elicit fear and it creates fearful environment. This could even affect spiritual well being of a child. The function of the subconscious mind it to store information – good and bad – and these will manifest as undesirable behavior later in life.

Triggers of emotional trauma!
Emotional trauma becomes a social thorn in adulthood...!
Stored childhood experiences and information are triggered by current incidents that are similar to the actual experience such as:
1.   Disappointments: Traumatic feeling of disappointment such as divorce may affect how a child who experienced such serious conflict to process it successfully. As an adult such a person may have fear of approaching the opposite gender for a romantic relationship. The general fixation could be low self-esteem.
2.   Injury from accidents including natural disasters: I was injured by a broken bottle twice when I was eight years; thus creating a fear of walking barefooted outside the house. Unreasonable fear of anything has a root which often occurred during childhood.
3.   Physical assault including rape: Exposure to such violence often causes a traumatic response and lack of trust from the person of opposite sex; thus contributing to inability to have healthy sexual relationships.

Fear is a learned behavior. We all know that an infant fear nothing until it experiences unpleasant feelings of shame, despair anxiety, fear and pain. Taking control of your life denotes correcting any unexplained behavior such as anger, low self esteem and fearfulness. Identifying these flawed behaviors will help you to realize that they are emotional trauma archived in the subconscious mind. Life follows you. This means you are what you were exposed to during your formative years and to a lesser degree, exposure to negative experiences with other people in all social institutions.



Saturday, 16 April 2016

Taking control: Benefits of developing a teachable attitude!



Dogs are natural enemies with cats. It they learnt to make friends,
 so can you with whoever is challenging your ability to love unconditionally!
Teachable attitude denotes being aware that learning is a process that transcends the grave. It enables one to purposely acquire and apply knowledge acquired through informal, non-formal and formal learning; thus motivating one to become a better person in all aspects of personal growth.

Component of a teachable attitude!
We should learn from the proverb which says rebuking a wise man will make that man to love you more. Teachable attitude is a learned behavior. It is a result of conscious decision to learn from both negative and positive experiences and environment. The following are components of a teachable attitude:
1.   Humility: It is a fundamental attribute that is necessary to enable a person to learn informally at home from people, children, even animals including small creatures like ants. It is a humble spirit that enables one to join community social groups and learn to adapt to joint efforts with others who share similar health or social interests or issues.

2.   Desire for improved knowledge and wisdom: If you have not referred to your text books since you graduated, you have surely become obsolete in whatever field you studied. On the other hand you can maintain optimum knowledge and skill when you continually update your current content. For an example, most of us are aware of our potential from social point of view but have not explored the spiritual self for potential spiritual gifts.

You can do so by renewing your mind!
3.   Open Mindedness:  We learn through all senses including thoughts and feelings. Perhaps you are familiar with learning from five senses but have no idea about the accuracy of your feelings which reveal the nature of your thoughts; they reflect the level of your consciousness. The naked truth is that you are a stranger to yourself; that is, you have fixated experiences which contributed to your undesirable emotional flaws which remained concealed and covered by new complex one referred to defense mechanism. Developing open mind will encourage you to confront your flaws and consciously unlearn all undesirable habits without judging yourself. This means you could assess your behavior and purposely eliminate undesirable ones so that you can subjectively change for the better.

4.   Self-control: The function of the sub-conscious mind includes storage of accumulated information and experiences and will maintain all learned behavior so that it becomes natural to maintain the status quo on whatever was configured in your mind during your socialization from birth. In other words it is through self assessment and re-learning that you choose to remain with current behavior or shape and replace with one that supports personal growth goals.

5.   Positive perspective about life: Only when one sees life as a gift and embraces nature and all its intricacies that nature will unfold its expanse of knowledge and wisdom. Whatever you learned at school pointed to resources centers and it is your responsibility to access the new knowledge and use it.

6.   Revelation about uniqueness and resourcefulness of individuals: Our source of learning since we stepped on planet earth has been other human beings: our families, community, schools, and other social institutions. All that you know comes from someone through direct encounter or indirectly through the written materials and the media because you allowed yourself to be teachable.   

7.   Application of information and skills throughout your life: All accumulated information and skills without application is a mere history and unprofitable if you have not applied the anywhere. Being teachable is to use such accumulated knowledge to improve yourself and others. You are teachable if your primary school science ushered you into high technology space science and quantum physics. You can reap the benefits of learning when science reveals what used to be referred to as spiritual mysteries.  

Being teachable simply says you continue to widen your scope of your environment and its secrets. It means you continue to seek new information to clear any myths that tainted your values and beliefs and stole most of your freedom through superstition and backwardness. Life is fun and rewarding when you develop and stay teachable!

   

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Taking control: What to do when peace eludes you!


Most of us seek peace elsewhere.....it is within self!
Peace could be defined from sociological, political, spiritual and psychological perspectives. In this context peace is seen as a byproduct of emotions which a person can learn to access and harness as a lifestyle. It is the most sought after emotional state which reflects spiritual enlightenment.

Peacefulness could be learned!
Peace is a result of positive energy from the environment and within a person which is generated by positive information from all senses including thoughts and feelings. From the moment we are born we learn to adapt to our environment and similarly respond to it; hence our subjective view of our world. As an adult you may note undesirable habits and behaviors which are contrary to your ideal way of life. We will discuss three steps that you may learn to change your perception of what peace is and how to maintain it.

Peace is a given state of being and it is therefore there for you to repossess and harness in your life.  Basically peace is within you and become illusive whenever you allow your mind to work on the basis of your past experiences. In other words if you remove all negative experiences you encounter or project into the future by way of contemplating challenges, it leaves you with peace. Let us learn how this is so:

1.   Understand what peace is and learn to feel it: Peace is readily available and therefore you do not need to have money to go anywhere because it is within you and is accessible. Lack of peace is the presence of negative energy characterized by thoughts that are motivated by fear, anger, lack, guilt, anxiety and ambition. As you can see all these points to allowing the mind to shift from now; that is, stopping to be focused on the present moment.  You cannot change things that generated the huge bad energy called fear and anger. Anxiety is caused by projecting into the future and becoming hysterical about the possibilities of misfortune or failure to attain a life goal. When you remove the past and the future from haunting you, you are left with peace.

2.   Seek peace: Having understood what peace is denotes that you are aware that you have a choice to seek it and make it your priority. This means you choose to see and feel calm even in chaotic situations. For an example, when you meet argumentative people who spew venom on everything, you take a deep breath and choose to maintain your peaceful attitude by refusing to engage in a negative and unproductive environment. You have a choice all the time if you on the other hand have learnt about the tactics of your own ego.

3.   Learn by doing: Learning transcends the grave. Taking control of your life means seeking information that enables you to attain a desirable lifestyle. Practice what you have learned. Experience peace in you by imagining scenes that quiet your mind until you feel it. For an example, when you listen to your favorite music, you allow your mind to transport you to the place that music is about and enable you to experience the picture that it brings into your mind. This is why even if you are sixty you can still allow your mind to transport you to the day you met your first date in your teen years. Results! You will be smiling because you will be retrieving the scene and experiencing it. So it is with peace; you can create it in your mind and access it anytime you want!

Peace starts with you as an individual; it extends to your family, your community and the world at large. Since you have no control on anything outside you, you can have and maintain peaceful attitude because it would be a choice you make and live by. We all seek peace because it supports life and has the tendency to reveal the beauty of our planet and its inhabitants.


Sunday, 3 April 2016

Taking control: How to identify loveless and emotionally unstable partner in intimate relationship!

Ideal couple is two emotionally stable persons ...fully aware of
their feelings and future plans

Intimate relationship is a result of a process of getting to know a different sex partner with a purpose of committing to marriage. It is a journey of discovery which requires both parties to objectively study and assess the other party’s behavior over a period of various stages of dating. 
  
What is a loveless relationship?
Loveless marriage in the African context was a social system of arranged marriage where parents played a front role in agreeing to join their children in marriage before they come of age.  In our era, it is more complex and is characterized by emotional issues leading to alcohol and drugs abuse.

Signs of emotionally unstable relationship!
Often emotionally wounded people are unable to love without controlling, manipulating or becoming excessively clingy. These behavioral flaws are carefully disguised as being protective of the loved ones. Let me explain:
1.   Controlling partner: Often display a ‘better than thou’ attitude whereby he or she plays a leading role in establishing and managing relationship activities such as:
·        chooses restaurant for regular outing;
·        dictates what career would be suitable for the other partner;
·        which car to drive and why;  and
·        where to invest money and suggest terms of investment.
   
All these are seemingly harmless contribution from a loving partner;
Relationships challenge us all!  
nonetheless these are important aspects of life which a person would want to feel solely responsible achieving and setting a lifestyle of choice. If you have changed your mind due to unrequested advice from your loved one, regard these as flags for concern and possible controlling.

2.   Manipulating partner: Manipulation is exertion of undue influence aimed at gaining control, benefits and privileges in a relationship. The victim loses self confidence and progressively become dependent to the perpetrator who then take full control over the victim’s life and resources.

3.   Clingy partner: You may confuse this excessive calling and accounting for all daily activities as a sign of love. You will soon get annoyed for explaining your existence. Yes, clingy partner is all over you and is constantly occupying your mind and space. For example, a male partner may decline to join you with your friends and successfully disguise his dislike of you being without him. He will however call more than twice to ask about something; thus ruining your joy effectively.  Or you will find him outside, displaying misery and injecting you with guilt for leaving him alone. That is a sick behavior!

Can you cope with emotional unstable partner?
Marriage is a lifelong partnership and requires informed decisions regarding social, spiritual and emotional health.  If you spot instability explained above, you must ask yourself: Can I cope with this behavior over life-time? Surely this is a clear question and requires a clear answer from you! Marriage is a union of two fully informed persons intending to get involved with each other and share the whole self unreservedly for life. That is a serious union! The reality is that once you tie the knot, you are obliged to submit under the man as a leader of the family. Think about that! Often emotional issues require a long specialized therapy.


Emotionally unstable person is challenged to establish and manage romantic relationship without ruining it with oppressive behavior. Taking control of your life is exercising your freedom to choose a mate whom you will share and enjoy your life with. One cannot be sure that emotionally unstable persons are capable of loving another person without abusing their trust and other marital resources. Seek professional help if you really are head over heels in love!

Sunday, 20 March 2016

Taking control: Learn how to forgive your spouse!

Forgiving your spouse is a decision that support your commitment to the marriage !

Real forgiveness is ability to release emotional pain associated with the incident. It is choosing to let go of images, memories of all unpleasant scenes and the outcome of the experience.  Emotional pain between spouses is often difficult to heal because it contravenes matrimonial vows and expectations.

How to forgive your spouse
Forgiving someone is better when it is from the premise of your heart rather than your mind. You see; it is hard to apply logic only on issues of relationships especially your spouse because of his or her close proximity to your life. In other words, logic would count how many times your spouse did the same offense and then apologized. Your heart on the other hand is a premise of compassion and also of your commitment to making the relationship work.  The following could be helpful in forgiving your spouse:

1.   Adopt forgiveness as your life principle: Consider that it is impossible to live without conflict with anyone who shares your life. Just like when driving, you resort to keeping the rules and being ready to ignore bad drivers. Choose to see his or her good conducts and forgive any undesirable behaviors.

2.   Knowledge is power: If you knew that prolonged anger contribute to cancer I doubt if you would allow yourself to engage in such willful self-destructive mode! Anger harms you more than those who caused it!

3.   Look objectively into the root of the hurt: Every cloud has a silver lining! What is your contribution to the hurting scene? What are other underlying contributors to the hurtful situation?

4.   Have compassion: Find positive diversion to the hurt:
·        List helpful things you spouse do well regularly.
·        Recall childhood issues; his socialization and past life. Most of us are fixated in our past hurting experiences.
·        Take out your family album and recall the happy scenes.
·        Decide to out-grow your own emotional hurdles – think outside the box and be the one who makes effort to restore positive emotions.  

5.   Reverse the hurt situation: Recall your own mistakes; how you wronged others and wished they forgave you as soon as possible!

6.   Give yourself time to cool off without judging yourself: Guilt is a form of negative energy and you need to stay clear of that. It is beneficial if you rather earnestly find resolve from within you though meditation, prayer or stay away from the source of hurt for a while.

7.   Accept an apology: Even that could be challenging! Remember the function of the mind is to remember and store information. This is why you rather find such resolution from your heart and not the mind.

The health and spiritual consequences of not forgiving your spouse!
They seem to have remembered their vows!
While we often focus on the physical self, in essence we are spirit beings with souls; living in physical bodies.  The issue of forgiveness demonstrates this truth:
1.   Health: According to Dr. Steven Standifort, the Chief Surgery at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America indicates that most cancer patients are living with various forms of anger. They have not learned to move past their emotional wounds.

2.   Spiritual: Love is the common factor for most religious beliefs. You cannot love anyone without making a provision for forgiveness. You can only forgive when you apply the godly principle of forgiving countless time so that the Creator can forgive you all the time. That is fair! Failure to comply with His principle of unconditional love would negatively impact on your relationship with Him.


Taking control of your life is about weeding out any clutters that could hinder your upward mobility. Of utmost importance is to assess how clear you really are in forgiving your spouse unreservedly. It would be satisfying to look back and see that you have indeed successfully learned to ignore hurts or have positively dealt with them. It is a process of spiritual maturity.  

Monday, 14 March 2016

Taking control: Check the level of compatibility with your fiancée!

If she dislikes your sweaty outfit, it will not change....!

Compatibility goes deeper than discussing hobbies; your list must include the subjects we normally rather not talk about. It is observing how you address each other regarding issues; how both of you response to spirituality, political affiliation, illness, parents needs and housekeeping styles.

Compatibility concept defined!
Compatibility at the level of two partners intending to get married is a serious process of learning each partner’s normal behavior objectively; that is, letting love not to blind you on negative cues you picked on unguarded moments. According to Mental Help site’s definition, compatibility includes friendship, social roles expectations, emotional intimacy, sexual expectations and life goals.

Challenging subjects check list for fiancée level of compatibility!
This article addresses challenging subjects which often most couples avoid to address and yet later become the root of conflicts in marriage. During dating the following subjects must be addressed calmly and objectively:
1.   Spirituality: If you are not worshipping together, it is critical to discuss and agree on individuality of spiritual beliefs and how that will affect your parenting style as a couple.

2.   Political affiliation: Like spirituality, political affiliation is a sensitive subject. Fix it so that you can clear it if it is one of the deciding factors.

Emotional intimacy is feeling completely safe even  in
vulnerable times....
3.   Social roles expectations: Before you tie the knot would it not be helpful to know that your wife can only cook breakfast? It would be better to help her cook if you are the type that enjoys family meals. For an example you can make this a fun time to ease any discomfort and boost her confidence in the kitchen. 

4.   Parental social and financial support: As parents age, they become ill and expect social and financial support from their children. This must apply in both parties’ parents. The ideal way to provide for this imminent period of declining health is to find a suitable insurance cover so that it will not infringe on your children’s budget. You must also agree on whether you will find a good old age home to send them there if there are no safe alternatives.  

5.   Commitment during the couple’s illness: Have you seriously considered life’s mishaps where one of you get ill or lose a limb in an accident? Well; you better do! For ‘better or worse’ includes such incidentals. This is a challenge for men because it is not a common social role he learned as part of male child socialization.

6.   Housekeeping styles: It addresses small domestic norms like toilet use and hygiene, keeping the home clean by not stepping over the door mat; cleaning the dishes and emptying trash bag after supper could be a source of conflict.

7.   Approach for addressing issues: If you have not had a fight, be careful; it could be that what you see is a tip of an iceberg. Why? Because it is important to experience your disagreement. Life is not a bed of rose; even roses have thorns! It could be that you have already succumbed to a controlling environment and you call it normal because you are in love.

This list is not exhaustive; however, it indicates the complexity of staying with a stranger for the rest of your life without stressing each other. Most pre-counseling therapies list the so called ‘important points’ indicated under the definition of compatibility. Paying attention to details in this subject may sound like splitting hairs hence their omission.  Taking control of your life is being careful to pay attention to details. You have to make informed decision when it comes to your fiancée’s level of compatibility.  




Monday, 7 March 2016

Taking control: How your communication skill impact on your romantic relationship!



You do not have to say anything ....you both know the feeling
of the moment!
Communication is the most important skill you learned from your family and other social institutions from early childhood.  It was an empowering tool that enabled you to express your basic needs.   As an adult it is a tool of proficiency which set you apart in your career and in choosing and managing your romantic relationships.

Communication defined!
Communication is a transmission of a clear message verbally or non-verbally to another person. It is conveying an idea in one of the four processes of communication; a thought, feelings, words or actions. 
  
Types of communication
There are two types of communication: Verbal communication between two people or more; printed communication between two people or more; and the most recently, exchange of messages through electronic device between two or more people. A non-verbal communication engages more than five senses on a particular scene in real time or use of electronic device to go beyond time and space in cased of audio and video devices.  Non-verbal communication is said to be the most used type of effective communication in romantic relationships.

Impact of verbal and non-verbal communication in romantic relationships
1.    Non-Verbal Communication: Often a relationships starts from non-verbal cues wherein one party sends a clear body language of a positive message which 
The one thing you cannot let go is
the child in you...!
expresses an interest. Even in this modern era of freedom of speech and human rights, most ladies would want to be approached by a male. It is said that a human electrical field is more than twelve feet which explains why a person will turn in the direction from which a stare came from. In other words an admirer often will have a response from focused and intentional attention. All other stages of intimacy occur non-verbally and it is amazing how little we use spoken words when it comes to physical attraction. It is therefore a proven fact that non-verbal communication is aggregated as seventy percent and only thirty percent to verbal communication. In the environment of intimacy it is easier for a female partner to initiate her needs non-verbally probably because it is still not socially accepted to express sexual needs verbally. This approach works when the relationship is normal and definitely fails when there is a strain between the couple.

2.    Verbal Communication: We all learned to communicate by listening and looking at others from infancy. Verbal communication carries other non verbal cues like feelings and attitude hence the larger portion assigned to it. In relationships it is the most important skill to enable partners to know each other’s needs and expectations without doubt and also establish rules that will inform management of the relationship. This mode of communicating is often used as an excuse when the other part defends their behavior of withholding affection to the other partner. For an example, other couples prefer to communicate rules verbally once and remind each other of their enforcement in a careful and tip-toeing manner non-verbally.  What a stress!

Assertiveness is normally prohibited in a relationship from religious point of view because of requirement that regulates how a woman must approach her husband. This perpetuates crossing the line in marriage intimacy because a woman is not at liberty to express displeasure verbally and clearly.
 
Taking control of your life on issues of communication denotes going up the stream to clear the air verbally; thus making a statement on how you feel about a particular incident so that the other party see your point.  Inappropriate behavior must be addressed assertively, yet politely. Since the marriage is the institution of secrecy, those who attempted to express themselves on family matters have wounds to show that their hands have been more than slapped. You as a woman must however continue to empower yourself with communication skills especially on how to be assertive without insulting your partner’s ego.