Taking control: How to overcome emotional pain and move on!

Learn how to heal emotional pain....!!!

Pain is any feeling or experience that is devoid of joy, happiness, pleasure and gratitude. All these emotions are byproduct of love. Pain is lack of love. It is barrenness, feeling of stagnation and general non-growth.

The underlying cause of emotional pain!

Pain is subjective because it depends on the individual experiences or level of maturity. From spiritual enlightenment point of view it is non-growth and or unfulfilled needs of love. 

  

Contributing factors for emotional pain!

There are physical and emotional pains. Physical pain is the result of injurious experience to the physical body while the scope of emotional pain is wide and varies according to:

1.   Personal values: Are parameters, which guide moral and spiritual direction. If you have been raised in a family where swearing is forbidden and you get a job where swearing is a norm, you will experience a profound emotional discomfort in such an environment.

2.   Unmet Expectations: From childhood, we experienced pain when promises are not met. In romantic relationships, expectations could make or break even the seemingly strong emotion of affection. Often new lovers expect a lot of attention from each other and when this does not match the level of expectation, the other party perceive that as not committing to the relationship and often that leads to breakup.

3.   Emotional needs: Some people are victims of neglect as children and had developed deep fear of losing loved ones. Such partners are clingy and require more than normal attention which could be regarded as childish and a turn-off to the other party over a period.

4.   Social needs: Most people have limited access to resources and this contributes to significant emotional pain of lack. This could be a result of peer pressure or societal norms wherein expected social roles are not congruent to personal values and or expectations.

How to overcome and maintain non-pain life!

Pain is familiar to mankind and differs in severity and or definition in various social classes; therefore all people experience varying degree of pain.  In principle people handle life challenges depending on whether a person draws strength from within or outside as follows:  

Pain free life supports freedom to love...!

1.   Identify emotional blemishes: Understand self first in order to know how you perceive your world; this will enable you to address and remove most of the identifiable socialization clutters.

2.   Develop sustainable joy: This is a process of spiritual enlightenment wherein a person seeks internal strength to identify clutters, rebuild and shape desired behavior and establish own values from the rebirth of self. 

3.   Develop your spirituality: Man is a spiritual being with a soul, living in a body. Often our most pressing needs are social; the ego needing attention.  

4.   Understand the cardinal law of cause and effect: Life follows us. This means whatever we experience in life is the result of our own thoughts, feelings, words and actions. The law of love governs and supports our ideal life experiences. Absence of love results in the emptiness that motivates a person to seek gratification from others. When we do not gratify this need, we aggravate the situation by focusing on the problem which attracting and developing more lack of love; leading to more emotional pain.

5.   The power of now: A person can only love effectively when the point of focus is giving love and not expecting love. Unmet expectations contribute to disappointments, anxiety and resentment.

6.   Various form of healing techniques: Help is available to let go emotional pain and enjoy your life.

Ideally we have to accept who we are and take responsibility to consciously remove any undesirable negative energy because we can become whatever we desire when we purposely concentrate on what we can be and want now.  Referring to the past to solve emotional pain is unprofitable. From the view point of positive thinking, every cloud has a silver lining. It is learning to adopt teachable attitude from all situations.

Taking Control: How to cut-loose shyness in intimate relationship!

Every child is born free and embracing life until someone dish out  mixed
messages about good manners....!

Every infant is born a free being and a potential genius - confident, happy and capable of learning anything. This means that shyness or any limitations are learnt behavior following unpleasant experiences. Most people developed emotional blemishes that led to shyness from childhood socialization.

Shyness defined!

A shy person is one who fears to make mistakes; one who doubts own capability to perform tasks unaided. The underlying factor is a negative thinking wherein fear supersedes motivation to be proactive and creative. Shyness is avoiding accountability for individual thoughts, words and actions; preferring those dictated by other people.

Impact of shyness in intimate relationships!

Shy persons are unable to make decisions because they fear risks and accountability. We all know that intimate relationship develops from trusting own instincts and strengths to overcome whatever is unknown about the other person. In other words, when deciding to allow another person in your life, you took a risk of thinking outside the box; consciously allowing and accepting change to occur. The impact of shyness in intimate relationship includes the following:

1.   Skewed relationship: One way communication contributes to unfulfilling relationship because in principle, it takes two people to contributes ideas, discuss and to create new and strong foundation of an intimate relationship. A shy person lacks helpful contribution in relationships.

2.   Encourage abusive behavior: A shy person is a potential victim of controlling or abusive relationships because he or she fears to trust own intuition and would compromise or allow unfavorable conditions to prevail.

3.   Low level of growth: A shy person avoid accountability therefore does not learns from own mistakes. Mistakes are stepping stones that lead to new and empowering knowledge and experiences. Many important discoveries are the results of continuing studies to refine the existing mistakes of innovative ideas. You learn better each time you make wrong decision because you rethink and research more to improve the existing thought and strategies.

How to overcome shyness in an intimate relationship!

Shy persons make lonely partners. Please help! 

A learnt behavior like shyness can be unlearnt. In intimate relationship, the catalyst for desired behavior is love and trust. Love is known to remove 

childhood blemishes including shyness. Why? Because love is a positive energy and shyness is a byproduct of fear. The continual embracing of a negative energy renders a person unproductive. Whenever a positive energy comes into a scene, it neutralizes and nullifies the negativity and ignites a childhood freedom from any fear because of the following principles:

1.   The attributes of the natural law of love: In principle, love and fear cannot occupy one space. Positive energy is far more powerful than a negative one.

2.    Love liberates: A shy person who is encouraged to love will let go fear naturally. The partner who has this revelation could tap into the innermost feelings and remove all types of fear of her or his partner as follows:

a)  Take baby steps in building confidence: Do house chores together first and then withdraw slowly so that the shy partner could develop confidence which will ignite self-expression through thoughts, words and actions.

b)  Engage in playful ‘surprise games’: Shy persons are mostly not present (meaning not fully conscious of all senses); it is therefore important to teach them to be fully alert of all senses and most importantly, the feelings. A shy partner is likely to be liberated and expressive if encouraged to participate in less serious and playful scenes wherein he or she could guess what is appealing to his or her partner. Give glues that will enable a shy person to feel less intimidated. That behavior will eliminate the fear of making mistakes and build confidence.

Taking control of your life is making efforts to remove hurdles by reaching from within, to access the given personal strengths. It is remembering that as a child you were fearless, eager to learn and happy being. Since most of us are products of other people’s (care-givers) emotional blemishes, we developed various defense mechanisms which further complicate relationships. In essence there is smaller number of ‘normal’ people. To have baggage-free emotional intimate partners, we have to clean up socialization issues through love and trust which are proven catalysts that change behavior for optimal intimate relationships. 

Taking control: Are you stuck in a cold marriage?

There is a lot of space which shout how bored you are ....
but you can heal the cold marriage!

Marriage is a divine union of male and female created to legitimize the children so that they may be socialized into spiritually and socially regulated environment. Love is therefore a given catalyst that enables individual persons to select each other to perform these functions.

Cold marriage defined!

Cold marriage denotes lack of emotional intimacy wherein the couple leaves a lot of safe emotional gap because trust was never developed or was broken. In intimate relationship trust is a complete openness of personal thoughts, feelings, aspirations and limitations; disclosed unashamed to each other. This disclosure heals the childhood socialization anchors and creates a fresh foundation to experience a healthy strong relationship.

Contributors of a cold marriage!

Cold marriage often is a result of short-cuts when dating. Ideal dating has twelve steps which are meant to allow the couple to slowly develop intimacy.  This approach allows each party to know each other before engaging in physical intimacy which often hurts when later one or both parties discover things they cannot compromise about. This is not the case in Christian dating wherein physical intimacy is not allowed at all. Missing links in intimacy and trust includes the following:

1.    Lack of accurate information: Some people are ashamed of their family background and omit unpleasant but vital information that could enable the other party to understand some or most of the habits or personal blemishes. Most of us come from dysfunctional families and while it is not comfortable to disclose such information, it is important to allow the other party to commit to you knowing that there could be psychological issues to work on.  

2.    Psychological issues: They include personal attributes which you may not know their cause but you are aware they contribute to most of your failures. These socialization anchors are important to disclose so that the other party may provide necessary support.

3.    Poor communication: Married couple is referred to as being one. Poor communication is characterized by leaving words or ideas that matters. For an example, if you do not tell your partner how you really feel when he or she says intimate stuff, or dressed in a certain way, then you are not intimate with him or her. You still have no clue of what makes her or him tick. Poor communication will not allow you to be vulnerable. Often that space would require satisfaction by form of a love affair.

Breaking the ice of cold marriage!

Do not let ego ruin your marriage....simply
let go and allow yourself to trust someone! 

Breaking the ice means both partners must create a day in which they would come clean about committing to the relationship. This must be a special day wherein you could include the following steps to break the ice:

1.    Private space: This excludes the restaurant. You may take a trip away from home and in the privacy of your hotel room, pour yourselves out; leaving nothing. If you feel challenged, write your issues and exchange the notes. Allow each one to read and ask questions. Allow whatever emotion that would surface to come unedited. This is learning to be vulnerable! Express your love and compassion to lead you in whatever direction. End this session by burning the expressed issues and express your commitment to each other from that point.

2.    Walk the talk: Act your reminders. This means you know when your partner wants to say something and the old anchors wants to rear their ugly face to stop that vulnerability. Just embrace and encourage love to break that barrier of communicating whatever is bothering him or her. This way you are allowing love to break any fear or and shame. Allow love to be a consuming fire that burns the bridges of the past to usher you into the future of bliss!

Taking control of your life is swimming up the stream to find your joy. Relationship challenges even the strong and brave person to flinch and hide and lead unfulfilled or be tempted to find strangers to fulfill their inner most needs. Let your man or woman be your closest friend and together explore yourselves until you know that you would not want to start that kind of journey with anyone else. Let love do everything for you; including opening the doors of joy for you and make your marriage a haven and place of unrestricted joy.