How to leave the cross-roads requires clarity of self…!

Being at crossroads includes a position of dissatisfaction with significant aspect of your life and you are in the process of determining to change for the better.  It means you have decided to analyze the true nature of your feelings about the current situation without being under any form of external influence which in most cases is could be mislabeled as virtue.

 

I define confusion as not realizing whether you are happy or unhappy.  This is what I call being like a rose.   Roses look beautiful, smell wonderful; but are adorned with thorns.  Another position could be the second phase of your attempt to free yourself from painfully permanent situation to seek a place of refuge.  Staying in a position of permanent compromise is a form of procrastination.  It is not making necessary decision for fear of another mistake.  Usually you do this when you do not know who you are, why you are here and where you want to be.

Let us say you are a rose; that is, your thorns are hidden from afar! It could mean that your life skills to maneuver current pain, has kept you afloat.  Your head is still above the water and therefore alive.  The point is, if nothing changes for the better, it is a matter of time before issues that placed you in that position compels you to use the remaining strength to pull yourself to safety or ideal position.

Some of us have processed informal, non-formal and formal education from all social institutions so well that we do not know who we are and want in this life.  Finding who you are is an ability to discern the truth from the inner man.  It is transcending the superficial existence of acting on the fruit of your thoughts only.  It is reaching your spiritual self where wisdom is not cluttered with socialization and academic stuff; but a domain of connectedness with your Creator, and therefore executed outside the mind.  It is like being on the highest mountain where you have a clear view of what direction leads to your true destination.

The purpose of highlighting the position of spirituality is to enable you to re-assess where you are.  If you have never access yourself in this realm, it is likely that you are acting on values and beliefs imparted mostly to empower you as a social being and not as a spiritual being.   Let me offer a light for those who may not understand their make-up.  You are not a physical being but a spirit because you are created in the likeness of your Creator who is a Spirit.  Your real life-changing wisdom is therefore more profound when you are able to transcend the physical self.  This enables you not to focus on things that are seen but those things that are spiritual and true.  You may opt to start the journey of discovery of self from scientific view to realize the illusion of the physical world. This too is liberating.

If at this point you have more question than answers, it means you are hearing what I am saying!  You have started the awakening process of finding the real roadmap that will enable you to move from the crossroads.     

Leaving and cleaving: Are in-laws aware of their position?

Marriage is designed by the Creator with specific rules and regulations to make it work. Anything contrary to the couple leaving their parents and cleaving to each other surely contributes to marriage disintegration.

In the context of African culture, the in-laws regard and apply leaving one’s parents to the woman and not the man.  The principle of cleaving is totally omitted. In reality a woman marries all in-laws and soon finds out that most of whatever she thought and cherish about the spouse is null and void.  Regardless of several academic degrees and exposure to non-African way of life, African men find it hard to go up the stream and cut loose from the traditional muddle. What works is what the in-laws believe and value.  The most challenging dilemma is to meet the in-laws expectations: The common one is spending the whole Christmas and Easter holidays at in-laws home and participating in cultural rituals.  This gradual slowing down of building and working on married life manifests in subtle tension and resentment of the in-laws which gradually creeps in and become a wet blanket between the couple. It is a common factor which destroys many marriages.

When cleaving is omitted in any marriage, it is replaced with both emotional and verbal abuse.  The in-laws demands take a toll on marital relationship and a woman gradually feels cheated because she is constantly betrayed by lack of support from the beloved husband. Eventually with hushed voices the son is confronted and scolded for not marrying a real woman who fits in the community.  A woman so burdened with in-laws rules will soon forget to be a wife and a mother of her children. This becomes a significant cause of socialization blemishes because unhappy parents cannot give love to their children.  Absence of love and role modeling in parenting contributes to failed relationships to the couple and their children.

The issues of leaving and cleaving are challenges which are real for any modern girl who regards marriage as a sacred contract that deserves to be adhered to. Remedial measure may include migrating to far place immediately after marriage; thus creating excusable reason for not spending all holidays and practicing numerous rules of the in-laws. What an irony! It is tempering with the Creator’s marriage formula!   

Emotional Intelligence in developing organizations and people

People are essential assets in all social institutions and it is important to consider their academic capability as well as personal traits when developing organizations and employees.   Application of Emotional Intelligence principles has become a new way to understand and assess people's behaviors and their management styles. 

People become customers when they get friendly and efficient services which denote an ability to give positive attention to people when serving them.  Interpersonal skills could be a natural trait but it requires to be developed through the application of Emotional Intelligence principles. This is why it has become an important management tool in human resources planning; job profiling, recruitment interviewing and selection. For an example, a genius with a negative attitude is not an asset because he or she will destroy the image of an organization if given a people related job. This is why interpersonal skills rank high in jobs specifications because all organizations thrive in attracting and retaining customers. 

Whenever top management decides to develop their managers for higher positions, they go deep in analyzing each manager in terms of ability to deal with self; that is, knowing and managing their emotions. Those who pass such assessment are those who know who there are, and attempt to treat people as individuals at appropriate situations.  Most people fail to strike a balance and end up compromising the required integrity of the organization. Studying the concept and principles of Emotional Intelligence is one of the ongoing self empowerment items especially for those who seek to redefine their goals.

How I understand emotional intelligence

Most people relate success with high level of education and this is why it is rated as one of the basic needs and a right of every child. You may know or have read about successful college drop-outs and therefore noticed that they applied another factor to experience a breakthrough. This factor is known as emotional intelligence which entails knowing one’s emotions and being aware of their nature and learning to control and manage them.  Success is also related with knowing other people’s emotions in order to develop and maintain healthy relationships.

Each person has a given knowledge and skill to be successful. Education could therefore be regarded as a catalyst that accelerates the process.  Knowing your emotion is being able to analyze how you think and will also identify strengths and weaknesses. The process will enable you to understand your intentions, behavior and response to life issues; and most importantly, what you want to achieve.  Understanding others and their feelings is a bit challenging but necessary because you need to recruit those that will enable you to reach your destination.

 

Emotions are visible results of the nature of your thoughts which are revealed as various feelings. Management of your emotion is therefore a lifelong learning exercise because your thoughts are aligned to how you perceive your world.  Emotional intelligence helps you to realize when you get stuck by indulging in negative past experiences rather than working on your motivation to start a new life. Overcoming negative thoughts that could possibly hinder your success requires your full awareness of your level of desire and zeal to develop strategic plans towards reaching your goals. 

Success is also about managing relationships with those in your boat so that you can maintain the tempo in rowing the boat towards the destination. To me this is the most challenging part because I must be able to motivate the team or the target group to want to achieve what I want.

Love is central to all that you are and need…!

It is amazing how mankind is so well equipped with potential ability to acquire knowledge and skill and yet struggle to find the key to accessing the given wealth in this life.  Love is the most common subject but illusive to many even the most intellectually successful.  The Book of origins tells us that love is central to that which we need and seek to achieve.  Is this the way you understand success to be?

You are not like anybody; you are unique!  This is the concept that you have to look at and determine whether it is a fact or not. The introspection should not be based on whatever theory you have read other than that which describes you as a product of love.  If you have never analyzed the three dimensions that make you different from an animal, you will likely treat yourself like one and miss the purpose for which you have been created for.  The Creator made you in His likeness.  This is a starting point.  When you seek this truth, you will arrive at an answer of who you are and your capabilities.

Your Creator’s name is Love.  He tells us that all that we seek is contained in love.  Let us explore the simplicity of this matter with what you do when you buy expensive equipment like a car:  First you read the manual of instruction because you do not what to ruin this prized property. Secondly, you want to enjoy all that it has been created to perform and carefully note what the manufacture bound himself with and the part you must play to get the maximum benefits of the car. 

Now let us look you.  All living and non-living things on the planet earth have been created for you and you are to benefit from all.   When the Creator declared that His idea of creation was complete, He was satisfied.  He actually said it was very good!   This is where your quest for self discovery must start.  The first question goes like this: If I am created in the likeness of my Creator who is the Spirit, then it means I am a spirit.  Judging from what I see in all things He created – earth, its inhabitants and the universe – then it means I am very smart and creative being too.  Then comes the point and the context of my study; the laws that governs me and the whole creation.  Do I know them? 

If you have ever experienced love in all its forms: joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control – and got placed in all negativety; then you will have attained enlightenment that love is central to ideal life. Such exploration is mandatory if you seek who you are.  It is a revelation of the love principle! It is amazing…!  

Parenting that bypass the vicious circle of dysfunctional family

Parenting is the foundation building process that starts before conception and transcends the grave.  Having babies should be a well thought and planned responsibility of mature people because it is the function of populating planet earth with quality inhabitants.  Both social and spiritual principles of parenting point to love as the main ingredient in starting a family. Anything contrary to these ideals denotes dysfunctional families.

Parents should be conscious of their emotional stability and readiness to be role models.  They should feel honored to construct behavioral foundation of their children.  We all know that children do what they see; so the following could be included in parenting guidelines:

·         Love unconditionally by expressing love and affection through hugging and kissing which is foundational in building future relationships

·        Providing safe social and physical environment encourages your children to talk freely hence enables you to know their cognitive development level and the nature of other concepts picked from the media, other kids at school and the public at large.

·        Praise good behavior and reprimand undesirable one; always being careful not to attack a child but a behavior.

·        Having one-on-one learning activities will help you know your child’s strengths, interests and weaknesses. It will also enable you to steer your child to develop career and personal goals from the point of strengths

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·        Avoid favoritism because it causes siblings to compete to win your affection and approval. This has a long term tendency to overcome low self-esteem by learning to manipulate in order to maintain ideal position in relationships.

·        Equip children with life skills to avoid occupational hazards from frying eggs to handling gardening tools.  

·        Praising your child is encouraging repetition of an ideal behavior and desirable efforts. It builds character and accountability of own actions.

I believe parents should be conscious of the quality of lifestyle they instill in their children in order to gradually bridge the moral gaps which contribute to prevailing dysfunctional families  

Reaching your mountaintops: Pick yourself up and chart your way forward…!

I wonder what life would be like without the twists and turns, the slopes and mountains conquered; the exhilaration experienced when reaching the top! Those who have experienced these, have physical, social, spiritual, financial and emotional scars that make their victory memorable. This is being able to pick oneself from one or all of these experiences and turning them into important stepping stones in crossing over and taking decisive direction forward.

I have noted that some people do not have financial challenges, but end up in emotional prisons because of relationships issues.  Others are poor but have blissful relationship with college drop-outs. Others were raised in spiritually rich families, but ended up being social thorns of the society because they wanted freedom in wrong places.  Still others found themselves in the wrong side of the law because of seeking financial success by enriching themselves through illegal strategies.  If you have experience one or some of challenges cited above and stayed on the right side of the law, you have endured the journey of life and reached your mountaintop. This list leaves those who have no issues or challenges; in this context, we call these blessed.

There are people at cross roads who need to make informed decisions to reach their personal goals without having to go through painful experiences and challenges.  Most of these are young adults.  They may have indirectly tasted a few challenges of life; but they need to walk with somebody who care enough to offer information and skills that could empower them to chart their way forward. If you are one of the blessed with less painful challenges; it would be a great honor if you could tell us how you avoided these challenges.  You see, at times the mind works against us. One cannot even start to climb one’s mountain if one has not crossed over the current issues.  I hope you can identify with this dilemma…!